Is it fair to ask your spouse to choose between a job or family?

Question

For 7 years I have been a faithful,pack up and move my life,live without her husband for a year at a time,military wife. We have had three wonderful children and 12 amazing years together. However, I think the moves, the times apart, and the fact he is never home has gotten the best of me. My husband was also injured in 2003 and it has turned to cancer- for the last 2.5 years our future has been up in the air. He is not sure if the Army will keep him or med him out, but I am ready for a life, some stability,something I can plan a future for and a life that reunites as a family. He is currently in Germany while I am waiting for him to come home (8 mos now). He has new orders but due to his medical issues he is unsure of whether or not he will be released which could lead to two more years. He also has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which he blatantly refuses to address. He told me yesterday it was unfair for me to ask that he choose between his job and his family, when he is happy, financially secure, and a "career" (of which he has and will not advance until he gets a clean bill of health). I used to believe that until I have realized that my husband is willing to choose his job over us. How would you feel if this were your ultimatum, do I have this right?

Update:

WHT??We have been together for 12 years...7 of them have been military. I did not choose or say I do to this lifestyle but I supported and lived it. But tell me how you would feel if you have had to face your husbands death and the idea of living a year apart at a time every time it came to him leaving?Answer on those terms, please read and think before answering.

Lotsaquestionslotsaanswers · Accepted Answer

the military is a life choice not a job these people have pride for what they do. My husband has been in the army for 17 years now and i was in for a short whil until i got a medical discharge. The military is a  very addictive thing even years later i still miss the feelings of honor and pride and belonging that come with being in the military. u cannot ask him to stop of his own accord. The military is his family too and u as a military wife will almost always come second to it u either live with it or dont

Anonymous · Answer

My honest answer is I dont really think it is fair. Yes its something you want him to do and I understand that. However the Army is a whole new ball game such as a career it is pretty much a lifestyle. As a fellow soldier i must say You cannot just get up and leave. TO get out its pretty much a process and also you sign a contract to serve for a X amount of time. He cant get out till his ETS date arrives. Now look at it this way YOU are financially secure in this tough time when we are in recession you got nice benifits and a paycheck every month. Now looking at his health condition which is Cancer as you have explained will not effect his process through the ranks but will effect his chances of deploying and what not. I highly doubt the Army will take that lightly and he will most likely be Med out so he can focus on defeating the Cancer or he will die. How ever being Med out is not an entirly bad thing. You still will likely be getting a good pay check due to disability or should. You just gotta look it up and study about it more. 

I know a fellow Warrant Officer in my unit had cancer and to treat his cancer they pretty much gave him some med time like good 6 months to take care of it and what not he came back to work when it had seemed to be good and stuff but the cancer came back and I never saw him back in the office cause I pretty much em sure the Army eaither med him out or put him on some kind of leave or what not to countinue his treatment. If I were you I would seek more info on this from a person who works on base or ask his Commander or his supervisor or someone who would know on base. 

I do not believe it would be fair to make him choose between his job or family. I know he loves you and his kids very much and he loves his job as a Soldier which is very honorable of him. You Married a soldier and technically you married the Army also which says plenty of you. Just continue to support him and think of the positives more and less of the negatives. Just be happy he has a career unlike many other husbands out there who lost their jobs and having a tough time finding another one due to the economy and are not able to provide support which is causing other problems for their family and just be proud of what he is doing and accomplishing as a american soldier. Do to his medical condition I positively think he will be home more now but Cancer is no laughing matter and he needs the love of his wife and kids to also help him successfully battle that illness. Hang in there and be strong.

blueberry · Answer

didn't you know what your husbands job was before you married him? and you still said i do it's hard for all of us but it's their job, respect it
edit
honey i've read all of it and i'm living it married 10 years and it's been 10 that it's this way and plus i'm raising a 5 year old and a7 year old because my son has started school and i don't want him to be a lugguage, and yes it's been 10 years that i look at possible death since he's a military major so don't think i don't know what you're talking about

&lt;Raised on Promises&gt; · Answer

If you knew going into the marriage that he was in the military, then YES, I think your husband is right.  It is unfair.

You chose this life WITH him.  The least you could do is support him through it.

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Is it fair to ask your spouse to choose between a job or family?

4 Answers