My husband had an affair?

It scares me to even imagine being in a situation like yours. But if you feel your husband genuinely regrets his affair, you should go ahead and forgive him. It may definitely take sometime to heal the wounds in your heart. But the pain would be greater if you lose him for good knowing fully well that he still loves you.

May God give you all wisdom and grace to go through this!

Whatever it was no one can really know. I do know that most people who have affairs is not really for the sex, it is fro how the other person makes them feel about themselves. A man that feels unappreciated or criticized at home by his wife is vulnerable for any woman who pays him some attention and provides admiration and respect. This does not give an excuse for having an affair it only explains it. It appears you took him back without first working on why he had the affair. These are reasons you both need to work on. He cannot simply expect for you both to continue as if nothing has happened. Most men who have good will towards their wife (good intentions) do not just one day and wake up deciding to have an affair. Things happen in the marriage that causes a breakdown. trust me, if you and your husband were in tune with one another the affair would not have happened in the first place. In most affairs the cause is emotional even when there is sex involved. Now of course there are men that are just jerks and live life for self gratification only. You would be the one to know best what type of man your husband is. I hope you both make a decision on getting marital counseling to get the relationship between you both on stronger ground so that the bond will be so great that no one would be able to come between you both. Good luck hun and take care.

Hi,

Wow, that is a bad situation you are in. I am really sorry to read about what you are going through.

Well, first of all, before you do anything about your marriage you should make sure you know the implications of a divorce or separation in the army, especially with respect to the children and everything.

About your husband, you say he had fallen in love with her, even though there wasn't any physical contact. That may or may not be so but in the end it doesn't really matter. If he fell in love with her, it means two things, 1º he has not been in love with you for a long time, he may love you and be attached to you for all the years in the marriage but that and being in love are two very different things.

2º he will not improve the way he treats you romantically for a long time if ever. so really if you decide YOU can get over the fact that he fell in love with someone else, fantasized about a farm with her and all that idyllic stuff, do not make your self available, it should be him who realizes he needs to win you back, and if that doesn¡t happen or it jsut makes you suffer further, then you should get out.

If you beg for his sympathy in any active or passive way, it will really only cheapen his perception of you and and your worth.

You really should watch out for yourself and your kids. The way I see it the place you are in now is very toxic and you should get out for some time. Is there any way to disctance your self emotionally, go do something you have never done, join a class like tennis or something. You say you don't have any close friends, seriously you need to get out of the house and meet people.

I personally would not put any more effort in the relationship for some time. The most important thing now is you.

Make copies and send them to her husband. Tell him very simply that you are willing to forgive him and work on the marriage but that you are deeply hurt by the betrayal whether it was an emotional affair or physical one. It really doesn't matter what the motivation for the type of letters because they have been written and read and not amount of discussing of them will undo the damage they have wrought.

It's not an easy thing to give up a marriage no matter how bad it is at the time especially when you have both shared a life that produced kids. I don't think reporting him to his 1st shirt was a good idea but it's done. If you are going to work this out then you have to get rid of the letters after you send them to her husband. There's no point in pulling them in and out like a dagger to your heart and mind. If he repeats this activity with this woman or any other then you may want to seriously consider leaving him.

The answer lies with his inability or non-desire to do the really hard work at keeping a marriage intact. It's not fun and games! It's really, really hard! And he would rather just play. He can't "play" with you for you are the reason that he is trapped where he is. You are the cause of all his problems. In you, is more frustration, hurt and pain.

He's "locked" into you like a jail cell - and he wants out.

This is a very normal thing. Many, many people cannot handle the intimacy and trust that a marriage demands. He is not willing to "go deep" into you and really build that intimacy that leads to long-term relationship. He is shallow and selfish.

You need to stop the harassment game and find a way to get him to see the reality of his own life. Right now - all he wants is for the past to go away. But the truth of that is - the past is what he desired and what he made. It cannot ever go away. With every passing day you get older and wiser - he gets more and more immature. You are going in opposite directions and there's little you can do that is going to change him.

He has to want to change himself.

If you want to wait for all that to happen - you will only prove that you are the center of the marriage. He's ranging on the fringes and does not really want to get back into it. He's knows how much work there is when he steps into that circle.

Pick up some marriage books. They will bring you to understand things that you don't really get.

You poor poor woman. What your husband did was absolutely wrong. I have no clue if he got physical, but am under the belief that if you have done it in your heart you have already commited the act. He is unfaithful to you. You can choose to forgive him and get marrital counseling, but the trust will never be there again. I am a Christian and do not typically believe in divorce, but this is a case of adultery and I believe you have every right to drop him and believe you me it would be the wisest choice. The military willl force him to pay child support, so you need not worry about that, but you need a man that loves you not some other woman. You and your children deserve better. The army will also pay for counseling if you choose that route. I will be prayning sincerely for your wisdom, your peace of heart, and for the best to come to you. God will bless you and take care of you

PS Blessed are those who morn, for they shall be comforted Matt 5:4

I'm really sorry and don't know how I would handle it. But in regards to the letters, I love my gf and would NEVER cheat on her. BUT I flirt with girls at work constantly and enjoy things like that, so I see how someone could just write a letter and there never to have been any real physical contact. I would try to see what she's like, if she looks desperate enough to just write letters to a married man but never do anything then he could be telling the truth.

Hi Grace. I'm sorry, but I don't believe for one second that your husband has been true to you. You have been apart for a long time and you have the letters to prove how far it's gone. If it looks like a cow, it's probably a cow. Even the little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar said "I didn't do it."

Do you want to stay with him in the marriage? It can be done, but he needs to be absolutely honest with you for any healing to begin for you. Does the army offer counseling?

If you have no proof of physical contact with this woman, then you can't prove adultery. (I don't think you want to prove it anyway. Do you?). But you love him and want to rescue your marriage. That shows you care and I hope he sees that. Why do assume he'll get the kids? Fight for them too. Also, here in the U.K. nobody would even consider buying a house without first going into it and checking what they're buying. We have a system in place that prevents you from buying a rubbish house.

i was in a situation like yours a few years back. of course it was my first choice to save my marriage, even though he was already living with her and had basically abandoned me. he refused to even try because at the time he was so wrapped up in her he couldn't even think of us. the letters are very telling about how they feel about each other. just talk to him, see where his heart is as far as reconciling, and if he isn't remorseful, or being truthful, its not going to be able to be fixed. love letters are usually written to someone u love, and have a relationship with. i chose to divorce my husband and move on, because it was better for me, but since u have children you may feel differently.