The most painful loss is that of a child?

AGREE

I hear that getting our tonsils out as an adult is horrid. Because adult have a harder time than children, my doctor explained the kind of pain I will experience. For me, I still HAVE to get it done, but I will be better prepared and will arrange support.

I think that some agencies want to diminish the pain the mother expects to have and are less than supportive if she has a change of heart. I think the even the change of heart come with feelings of guilt.

My opinion is tell them what others have felt. If the adoption is truly NEEDED and a last option, her grief won't be a deciding factor, but she may have a better chance at seeking support. If she does feel a huge amount of grief, she need to be told that those feelings are typical and to not hold it in.

If knowing how much grief she may be in makes her think twice about placing, then adoption was probably not the best option for her anyway.

I think the same goes, when explaining the grief the CHILD may feel. For those adoptions that are unneeded it could make a difference, but for those that were unavoidable or the mother is determined to place, the change of the "Primal Wound" may not be enough for her to decide to parent and in some cases she may not have the right to parent.

Grieving a loss is a very personal thing. No two people will grieve the same way. So why all the comparisons. Who says their pain isn't recognised? (first mothers.) Most pain people go through isn't something that is a dinner time conversation topic. But ask anyone what they think of how a woman must feel who's given up a baby for adoption and rarely will you someone say something like. "indifference, or who cares."

For years no one talked about women at the pain the felt who had lost babies. Whether through adoption, still births or miscarriages. It was a taboo subject to be ignored. (My grandmother spoke of her loss of a newborn baby hours old for the first time 60yrs after the event. I was the first person ever to ask her about her son. She still grieved for him, and hated it that she was told never to talk about it.) She was told to get over it. Deal with it silently, get on with raising other children, she'll have more etc.

So can we respect all women who have had loss relating to children in their life, and not demean it simply because its not spoken about all the time and not play these kind of mind games.

That's my answer, take from it what you wish.

I do not know, and I hope I never have to know. I have had 2 friends who have lost children, one child was 18, the other was 6. They were never the same. I sometimes think the only reason they survived was because they had other children. I also have 2 friends who have had stillborn babies.

All of them went through grief counseling, and were encouraged to speak about their losses, and that by talking about them, it would help them. One friend still signs her deceased son's name on their family Christmas cards.

The first Moms I have talked with (including my own) were not told of the all consuming grief they would have. Agencies would not dare tell a mother how she would be affected by relinquishing a child, because adoptions as we know it would cease.

First Moms were and are still held up on a pedestal before giving birth, and are touted as being heroes, unselfish and brave. But once the ink is dry, they are expected to shut their mouths. If they do try to voice their grief, they are usually met with, "It was your decision, you should have used birth control, (or even worse)...it was for the best". It doesnt matter if it was her choice to surrender, or if there was massive coercion. they have still lost their child.

Many first Mothers who have also had abortions have said that the emotional (and physical) pain was less with termination versus relinquishing, because it was over in an instant. Not a lifetime of not knowing.....

I dont think we will ever see the adoption industry handing out pamphlets about how a first Mother will grieve for her child, nor will they provide adequate and NON-biased counseling before and after giving birth. Its a billion dollar industry. The truth would bankrupt them.

I lost a child in an accident, and I can tell you it is the worst thing that can happen. Even years later, it still haunt every aspect of our life. Unlike a 'relinquished' child, our child is GONE. They aren't living somewhere else... there is no chance they will come back... there was no decision made... THEY ARE GONE.

I can understand how a biological mother may regret the decision to relinquish or be angry that the courts took away her rights, but IT IS NOT the same as having a child die.

NEVER, NEVER EQUATE THE TWO.

I do agree that the most painful loss is that of a child. I lost both parents and a baby in an 18 month period and while you expect to one day loose your parents (which is horrible) you don't expect to loose your child.

That being said, I don't agree that birth mothers are not told that it will hurt to relinquish 100% of the time. I am sure that sometimes and somewhere greed plays a part and people are trying to talk them into it but any reputable agency is not like that. I have worked with and visited several agencies and I have seen first hand the counseling that they receive.

I know my post will get a lot of thumbs down b/c it seems that so many of you have so much hate and anger and you are so narrow minded that you cannot see past that and know that adoption can be a beautiful experience for all involved. I feel sorry for the ones like that. Go ahead and bash me...it does not effect me. All this effects you so much more.

The most painful loss is the one which is most painful for you.

Yes, your pain should be acknowledged, but the "my pain is worse than your pain" game is just nasty. You also shouldn't be trying to make people feel guilty if they _don't_ feel the same pain you do. It's not a requirement. We all grieve differently and for different things. Telling someone who has decided of their own free will to give up their child for adoption (and yes, some people do, even if some don't) and who _isn't_ feeling pain that they should be in dreadful pain is a horrible thing to do.

Maybe it isn't acknowledged because women feel unable to say they feel it - and that is wrong. But it's also wrong to tell them they should feel it.

I read somewhere that the "most painful loss" is that of the spouse. That the statistics for depression, suicidal ideation, etc are higher after a spouse dies than even after a child dies.

I'm not sure I agree or disagree with that. I don't think there's any psychologist or grief and loss professor that can quantitatively prove what is THE most painful loss for EVERYONE.

People are different.

i think of the two could be terrible. although at this evaluate my existence (in basic terms 15) i think of dropping my father could purely spoil me. I misplaced my mom to maximum cancers good when I became 4. So i do no longer in all probability remember her. i think of the two are terrible, a newborn shouldn't must be without a discern and a discern shouldn't ought to circulate by dropping a newborn.

I don't think it's false, but I think it's overly simplistic. I don't think it's wrong in that I don't believe there's something else that's always more painful, but I think how painful something is depends on a lot of factors: personality, support system, prior experiences, state of mental health at the time, etc. There is no "always worst" when it comes to subjective personal emotions and reactions.

I think the focus on what causes the MOST pain is misguided, because ultimately, it doesn't matter-- pain is bad. Whether losing a child is the most painful, or just painful, is semantics-- it's pain. THAT is what should be conveyed to women considering relinquishment. That it's horribly, crushingly painful. Whether it's more or less painful than, say, losing a mother is really just an academic discussion. Any unnecessary loss should be prevented.

I don't think ranking pain is beneficial, because it creates nothing but a "My life is worse than your life" contest that no one ever wins. I think trying to prevent ANY unnecessary pain is more productive.

I can't even imagine what kind of pain that would be. I don't think I could continue to function after such a loss.

The pain is not brought into the light for first mothers before the adoption because it would not be conducive for the agency to have the mother back out after hearing how painful that part of her life will become.

I agree that the pain should not be negated no matter what the circumstance of the surrender were. But good luck convincing the general public who sees first mothers as people who bring it upon themselves.