Anyone who has searched for first family?

I have worked in search/support for a couple of decades, and also was reunited with my lost son.

Some things i have told people:

Your search will be yours, so whatever other people have found, will not be exactly what you find.

The outcome of your search may very well effect the rest of your life. That doesn't mean you should be frightened. It just means that what you are about to do is going to change your life. It will also affect the people around you.

So, take it seriously.

Resources would depend on where they are, but I would suggest support groups for searchers, and also some good books.

Wisdom....I have seen many searches as well as my own, and I would say that being gentle and careful work well. But also be aware that there are people who will try to sabotage the relationships you are trying to build. You will have to stand strong and be willing to eliminate some people from your life if they won't support you in your reunion.

1) Find support. If Aparents are not supportive, seek out other support, even via adoptee networks. It is a bit of an emotional roller-coaster, and it's helpful to have someone to bounce things off of.

2) Even though this is kind of ridiculous, try to go in with few expectations. People are dynamic...They change, they have their own emotions and their own stories. The birth family you've been told about or imagined may not necessarily be the birth family that truly exists. Not better or worse, just different.

3) Understand that the search belongs to the adoptee, not the adoptive parents. All of the information associated with the search belongs only to the adoptee. It is within the adoptee's rights to search, ask questions and form/define relationships as they see fit. Many adoptees lose steam when they hit roadblocks, because they fear that searching more agressively will hurt the adoptive family. Ideally, the adoptive family is supportive and helping with the search, but if not, hopefully the adoptee feels safe enough to continue searching if they feel the need.

I was fortunate to have all of my first family's info, thanks to the efforts of my Aparents, so I can't help too much in the more technical aspects.

Good luck to whomever this is meant for!

Well, first I would say prepare yourself. Read everything you can. Talk to other people who have searched and so on. This will help you understand the range of possibilities and responses. Everyone has a story to tell and they are each so different. Listening to other people really helped me prepare for anything. I felt like I knew what I was getting myself into! This site really helped me.

Then I would say, be respectful. You don't know how the person you are looking for will feel. In my case, my mother has never told anyone about me and she was hesitant about reunion. I am very, very glad I did not move on to search for relatives until I spoke with her first. I also was very aware of how overwhelmed she might feel and moved very cautiously not asking for too much too soon. We now have a wonderful relationship and talk every week. However, we moved really slowly. You will get a feel for how your "person" wants to move forward. I would just say, don't push it. Give the person time to process everything and move at her pace.

I would also say, surround yourself with people who care and who are interested. I was surprised by the people who were NOT in favor of this or who had rude things to say about searching. I was equally surprised by the outpouring of support from others. You learn very quickly who "gets it". Include those people in the journey. They will be fascinated and it helps to talk.

Lastly I would say put aside the guilt. This is not a loyalty issue regarding your adoptive parents. This is about your story. Whether the reunion is what you hope for or not, finding out your truth and being able to tell that story to your kids is an awesome thing.

1. Make sure that this is really something you want to do at this point in your life.

2. Try and have the support of family or at least close friends. Keep them well informed of how you are going and what you are doing.

3. Read booklets like "Personal Experiences - No More Secrets" that give individuals experiences from ALL sides. This booklet contains stories from adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents.

4. Join any local support and self help groups

I had access to at least these organisations

- Jigsaw - http://jigsawqld.server101.com/

- VANISH - http://www.vanish.org.au/

5. Use freely available information to your advantage. i.e electoral rolls, telephone books, social network web sites, reunion sites.

6. Dont expect PII or non-identifying information to be accurate when concerning your birth father.

7. Allow time for dealing with feelings from the past. Fear, Resentment, Bitterness..

8. Use a third party/intermediary when you first approach the other person.

9. Are you ready for an immediate face-to-face interaction or would you prefer to take it slowly via letters and phone calls.

10. The desire to meet MUST be mutual.

11. Make sure you meet on neutral ground. Not in either person's home.

12. Be ready for the unexpected. Pandora's Box..... or, You may find you only have biology in common as you may find that those involved have different lifestyles or values.

13. If you do walk in with expectations. You must comes to terms with your expectations not being met.

14. Allow for a "time-off" or "breathing-space" period for yourself and/or the other party. Some people just need time to come to terms with the increase in the family and other reasons.

I think that covers most bases that was either told to me or I experienced myself.

there is a few tips about the GRO internet site. It tells you the place you are able to seek for loose, yet you are able to desire to have the potential to get to between the places listed. you won't be able to honestly see the beginning certificates nonetheless to income whether the dad and mom are those you're searching for, you are able to desire to reserve it. I spent the day previous on the nationwide archives in Kew getting to know, yet I nonetheless ought to would desire to reserve certificates to income on the names I even have chanced on. in case you're getting to know around 1800 - 1900, a smart internet site must be the kin seek. i haven't chanced on births as such on there, yet baptisms. from time to time the beginning date is shown, from time to time no longer, even though it ought to grant an concept of whilst they have been born. in case you be responsive to the significant factors, you are able to order the certificates from the GRO internet site.

remind them they are searching for the unknown and might find anything... talk through all of the crazy possibilities and Be There for them. help them to organize theri thoughts

best of luck

Be prepared for anything and expect nothing.