Need opinions! Poem that i wrote?

Question

What do you think about this poem? I'm not sure if i like it or not and i need opinions! thanks in advance!

You come into this world
and high hopes fill the room
another life to be celebrated
is now born.

A few years come and go around
and before you even know it
you’re having friendships, and hearts broken
you’re now torn.

you find the one you’ve dreamed about
and you celebrate the perfect day with him
you’re life is better than it’s ever been
you’re grown up now.

you start a family of your own
and before you know it, they’re all grown
looking back on the times when you were all so young
you’re growing old now.

and you tell them you’re last wishes,
just before you have to go
you’ll be in a better place, you hope that they will know
you’re now holding on.

they surround you taking care of you
even in the last of days
you wish that you could bring them comfort, just in any way
and now, you’re gone.

and it repeats again
only too soon for them all
those trying to make this life last
until we get to the next.

Katsuki · Accepted Answer

love it! dont say that often either! :)

Theresa · Answer

Well, I guess I can say they are original. I've never heard anyone speak in such a way about fungus. I'm not sure what the object of that poem was... As for the first poem, it's alright. I mean, you started out very strong, but your lines run into each other and destroy the flow. I stumbled over words and had to go back, and that turns readers off. Also, I'm not sure what tilting the head symbolizes. It's a very vague image. Please explain it to me, because I feel as if I'm missing the resolution. I don't like the second one at all...

Anonymous · Answer

this poem is AMAZING!!!!
seriously, if i had permission from you i'd set that as my buddy info on aim and put your name under it. that's great you should put that on some websites and get noticed. im sure other people will like it. keep up the good work, so far, i can tell you are (or are going to be) a great poet. this is frigging awesome !! :p

Anonymous · Answer

i would make the last line of every paragraph longer
right now you have the rhyming as AABB
i think she should make your first paragraph rhyme with the 3rd paragraph
and make the 2nd paragraph rhyme with the 4th paragraph
but that is just my opinion

Meagan♥ · Answer

That's really good! I like how you did every last stanza! 
Definitely great work! :)

Anonymous · Answer

You answered mine, so I am going to say, it was absolutely gorgeous. Keep writing, it makes your smarter!

2xW · Answer

thats a very heartfelt poem. i like it. Although i guess it could do with some flow... erm.. iambic pentameter?

sue · Answer

beautiful

Anonymous · Answer

i think it was amazing! absolutely beautiful, your really good

bobbie b · Answer

OMG that is absolutely amazing!!!!!!!!

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Need opinions! Poem that i wrote?

11 Answers