How many nights should my step-daughter stay with us?

Question

Ok, there is no child support or visitation order between my husband and his ex-wife for their 6 year old daughter. They have always been very civil to each other and we even go out and do things together with her and her husband. He stopped paying child support a couple of years ago when he quit his job, but he started keeping her 5 days a week to avoid putting her in day care. I cover her on my medical and dental insurance, pay for her school lunches and buy half of her school supplies. We have to buy her clothes for our house when she out grows the things she has at our house. Last year when the daughter started kindergarten we were given a calendar by the ex-wife telling him what days we got to keep the daughter. We got her most weekends and holidays. The ex-wife and her husband live two counties away (56 miles from our house to hers) and last year when we had to pick her up from school we would have to drive almost an hour each way. Seeing as how we can only have her on weekends, holidays and summer break, what is a fair amount of days for us to have her? I think 1/3 of the year (122 days) is fair, we still get to see her and the mother still gets about one weekend every six weeks. What sounds fair to you?

Update:

I didn't explain this well. I want her more, not less. I would love for her to live with us, but the mother would never allow that. The mother is trying to diminish the number of night the daughter stays with us.

Wintery · Accepted Answer

well, there is no "fair" amount of time really. If you guys having her on weekends, holidays and summer breaks equals about a 3rd of the year, so be it.

Sounds fair to me that since you don't live near each other that one parents keeps the child during the week for school, and the other parent gets almost all the weekends and extended time during summer when school is out. 

If you guys would be living 5 minutes away, then I wouldn't call the arrangement fair, but this way, I do think it is.
It's more than the "every other weekend" most non-custodial parents get so!

EDIT: I'm sorry that you feel you don't get her enough. However, since there are no court-ruling on the matter and everything is done by two parents being civil with each other, it's more complicated.
It's best for the child to have a stable home during the school week... leaving weekends, holidays and summers. 
If you guys wish to have custody, it's a long fight, will cost alot of money, will start alot of trouble, and since no order exists, could leave you not seeing your step-daughter for a long time. I do think the weekends, summer and holidays is fair.

nicole · Answer

well im 16 and i went through all of that kind of stuff ever since i was born by moving back and fourth and going to each of my parents house for a certain amount of days. and let me tell you if you dont live close to the other parent then the parents should talk it over about moving to the same town so the child can go to the same school and be close to both of thier parents cuz thats what i wished my parents did. and try to make your step childs life good because with all that kind of stuff with custody and what not it wares the child down and i know this because i went through it and there is some times where i just want to die because i think im my parents mistake and the only thing that ruining their lives so pleasee be aware of how you raie the child in this situation because it take alot out of the child

drgnrdr451 · Answer

First of all to Nicole; YOU DID NOT ruin there lives. If their lives are ruined it is because they ruined it. You are NOT a mistake! You may  or may not have been planned, but either way you were and are a gift from God to your parents. If they are too wrapped up in themselves to see that then it is their loss - not yours.

Now to the question at hand... I think that because there is no court order you have a most equitable arrangement. Yes it can be and is inconvenient at times. But remember that you are doing what you are doing for the child and the effort you are making is most commendable.

? · Answer

What sounds fair is you stop putting ultimatums on your Husband who loves his daughter. They come as a package and you must not have read the small print. Love between a child and a parent is unmeasurable.

KURUPT · Answer

if it was me i would want her to be over all the time. from the way it sounds she has a dad that loves her and wants to be around her and that is very rare these days so you should let him take advantage of being around her. plus in a sense she i your daughter too. if her mother wants to let her stay around with ya more that with her then thats her problem. take advantage of it and let her always know she is loved cause it can be gone in an moments notice

Anonymous · Answer

well, the problem is there is no set court order here.    to solve any problems, take this lady to court and have a judge make the decisions not her.

death_is_close123 · Answer

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How many nights should my step-daughter stay with us?

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