Got any reeal qood jokes ?

How to check if a man is still a virgin

~~~~~~~~~~~

A very straight and honest girl is going to Kuala Lumpur before she left, her mother gave her some advice.

"Daughter, when you're in KL and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following requirements Mother set for you. You must find a man that is 'faithful', not 'spendthrift' and must be a 'virgin'."

With this advise from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for a holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?".

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we shared one room only. Isn't he not spendthrift guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum, I know he is a virgin".

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with with her open wide eyes.

"Mmm.... his "that one" is new... still wrapped up in plastic, mum!"

There is a blonde driving a car, she swerves to the left then right, then left. Then a police officers pulls her over and asks what she is doing, and she says"I swerved to the left cause there was a tree on the right, then swerved to the right cause there was another tree so i swerved to the left" The polce man says" Lady that's your air freshener.

There were three woman at an American college eating lunch. There was a Russian, American, and a Blonde. They were all bragging about their countries.

The Russian said," We were the first in space."

The American said," We were the first on the moon."

The Blonde said," Well, we will be the first on the sun."

The Russian said," You cannot do that or you will burn up!"

"Duh! We'll go at night." the Blonde replied.

A blonde recieved an assignment from her special ed. science teacher. The assignment was what will happen after you pull all of the legs off of a grasshopper. So the blonde says jump grasshopper jump. And the grasshopper jumped. So she pulled off one leg and said jump grasshopper jump. And the grasshopper jumped. So she does this until she got down to the last leg. So she pulled it off. Then she said jump grasshopper jump. And the grasshopper didn't jump. so she wrote down on her piece of paper.

"They lose their hearing"

There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of the blondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did. A few hours went by and so she fired three more shots in the air. Afew more hours went by and they fired three more shots in the air. Then one of the blondes said someone better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrows left.

A a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walked into a room which contained a mirror inside. If you talked to the mirror and told a lie, it would suck you up. If you told the truth, it would give you a wish.

The brunette went first. She said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world." And the mirror sucked her up.

Then the redhead went. She said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world." And the mirror sucked her up.

So then the blonde went. She said, "I think-" And the mirror sucked her up.

There was a blonde that was sick of people making fun of her. So she decided to prove to all people that blondes are not as dumb as what they think they are.

She studied all the capitals of the states ALL night long. She didn't even rest one bit. The next day, she spotted a couple a guys sitting down and walked up to them and she said," I bet you I can name all the capitals of the states," and he said, "OK", "What is the capital of California?"

She replied, " that's easy "C".

There is a blonde driving and a dumb blonde in a feild of wheat with a row boat. The first one yells out her window what are you doing? She replies rowwing my boat so I dont drown. The one in the car yells Its blondes like you that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim I would come out there!

LOL!

And the one where a blonde burnette and a red head are stranded on an island. The burnnette swims part wait and drowns the red head swims half and gets eaten by a shark. The blonde goes half way gets tired and turns around.

Blonde and Brunette are at a bar watching 7 o' clock news. A man is about to jump off a building.

Brunette says, " 50 bucks he jumps"

Blondes says, "50 bucks he doesnt"

The man jumps and the Brunette wins the 50 bucks.

Blonde, " How did you known he'd jump!?"

Brunnette, " Oh I watched the 5 o'clock News"

Blonde, " Really? I watched the 3 o'clock News"

Brunette, " Wuhh? Then why'd you bet that he wouldnt jump?"

Blonde, " Well I saw him jump at 3, but I didnt think that he would do it again!"

Lol! I love blonde jokes!

Best excuse for speeding

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "They'll never catch me, " he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" he said.

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop, " the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night, " said the officer.

Kid Science Quotes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then

stop.

Question: What is one horsepower?

Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* ...Lj]

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.

Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.

There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Tonight on more to love the reality show with full full figured woman[don't say fat, full figured is a much nicer word] any way one of the girls ask the guy, whats your favorite food so i could cook for you? instantly my plate of food drop to the carpet[the guy is big already and right away she wants to make him bigger[at least make him know how you love salads and vegetables\fruits but you snack on steaks and ribs once in a blue moon.

Why did the chicken cross the road? I hit it with my car

(not a joke, a funny pick up line)

Is it just my tourettes or are you a ******* CUNTFACE!!!!

(This next one has been sitting on my NG page for AGES...)

Two freinds are hanging out watching TV, when one says to the other, "Can I have a glass of milk."

The one who was asked the question left and came back with a glass of milk which he promptly handed to his freind.

A few minutes later, after the freind had already finished the glass the other asks, "Do you want to hear a dirty joke?"

The other one replies, "Alright"

"I did your mom, want to hear a dirtier joke?"

"Ok..."

"Your mom is my neighbor's dog's name, want to hear a dirtier joke?"

"Uhh..."

"I didn't wear a condom, want to hear a dirtier joke?"

"Not rea-"

"It was a she, want to hear the dirtiest joke of all?"

"Why not..."

"When I finished I rubbed off my load and kept it for a few hours, want to hear something funny?"

"Is it dirty?"

"Not really, but it does concern that milk you just drank."

Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Obama? So he wouldn't be the worst president ever.

Q: What's 12" long and white?

drum roll please...

A: Nothing :)