GargVK

Gujarati Funeral .....

Excellent one...

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US .

It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

"Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her..

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.

Love Smita.

Note : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays......=))

A Professor explained the concept of Marketing to MBA students:

1. You see gorgeous girl in party, you go to her & say I am rich marry me

- That's Direct Marketing.

2. You attend party & your friend goes to a girl & pointing at you

tells her. He is very rich, marry him - That's Advertising.

3. Girl walks to you & says you are rich,can you marry me?

"That's Brand Recognition"

4. You say I m very rich marry me & she slaps you

"That's Customer Feedback"

5. You say I m very rich marry me & she introduces you to her husband

"That's Demand & Supply Gap"

6. Before you say I m rich, marry me, your wife arrives –

“That's Restriction from Entering New Market”

girl: Oh my God, r u ok??

boy: ....

girl: talk 2 me!! what happened 2 u ??!!

boy: i have a critical heart defect nd i’m on life support

girl: ...... breaks into tears .........

boy: they’re taking me off tonight; today could be my last day!!

girl: why ?? why u didn’t tell me till now ... !!

boy: i didn’t want to hurt u but now i just wanted to say i love you more than anything. i would give you the world in my last heartbeat and take a bullet for you if i could !!

girl: (crying) i love u too i would die for you nd ... a Nurse interrupted her ....

Nurse: visiting hours are over...

(a few hours latter they took the boy to the surgery room and the next day the boy found himself still alive in hospital, he was so happy and he immediately looked for her ...)

boy: where is she?

boy’s mom: Oh.. Didn’t they tell you who gave u your heart?

boy: OHhh myyyyy God (With tears all over his eyes) !!!

NEXT DAY The boy is found dead with a gun in one hand and a note in the other.

THE NOTE SAID: I told her that I would take a bullet for her, just like she said she would die for me.

End.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.

Put your hand on a pretty girl’s hand for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

This is the Definition of Relativity !

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

In a interview at star news after the result of election the spoke-person of congress party could not digest the thumping victory of NDA, and says conradictory to the facts that about 99% women in India still do cast their vote as per choice of their husbend to the particular party.Do you agree?

Subject: Marketing concepts!!

To:

Professor at IIMs explaining marketing concepts to Students

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am

very rich. "Marry me!" - That's ''Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's

very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her

telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.

"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten

your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door

(of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her

ride and then say:

"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and

says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand

Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am

very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. -

"That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am

very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's

demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you

say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you

marry me?" and she

goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you

say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction

for entering new markets"

Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi today targeted Prime Minister Manmohan Singh over the Commonwealth Games preparations, saying even if he mops the floor the sports facilities will not be ready in time.http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Games-ven...

According to me>>.Because the most beautiful thing in the world is unseen.

What do you think??????????????

The failure of Bangalore police to keep its vigil when it had to guard just one venue should naturally deepen worries about a situation such as the Commonwealth Games when events would be going on at different stadia across the Capital.

A Indian Negotiating with God

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God came and asked me for a wish, I told GOD “Let all my friends be healthy and happy forever!"

GOD said: But for 4 days only!

I said: Yes, let them be a Spring Day, Summer Day, Autumn Day, and Winter Day.

GOD said: 3 days...

I said: Yes, Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

GOD said: No, 2 days!

I said: Yes, a Bright Day (Daytime) and Dark Day (Night-time).

GOD said: No, just 1 day!

I said: Yes!

GOD asked: Which day?

I said: Every Day in the living years of all my friends!

GOD laughed, and said: You INDIANS know how to negotiate. But since you are praying and asking happiness for your friends, I can't refuse. I love everyone who thinks of others first, so don't you worry.

Mine is " Silsila" ******* Amittabh Rekha Jaya etc.

Still a great Movie.

The unmarried pregnant girl

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant, Scared She confides this news to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?

I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, "If there is a miscarriage or unsuccessful delivery, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...

"You can try again!"

US Government Business Policy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her services on credit.

The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

THE GRACEFUL SEX

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The grandmother was worried about yet virgin granddaughter going out with boys, so she advised, "You know about those damn boys, they go out with you, then he will try to kiss you, you will of course like it, but don't let him get away."

Grandma continued, "But if he got away, then he is going to try feeling your plump boobs, you are going to like it but don't let that sob get away."

Grandma pushed on, "Now if he got away, then he is going to lift your skirt, move his hand on your thighs between the legs and damn you will love it a lot, but don't let him get away."

Grandma took a deep long breath, and stressed "Now most important thing, listen carefully he then will pull your clothes down and get on top of you, you will enjoy it but don't let him get away that will disgrace our family."

The young girl made a good mental note. She returned late in the night with full of happiness and satisfaction."

Grandma inquired, "What happened?"

Young girl explained, "I did just what you said, when the SOB got on top of my nude body with that thing hanging between his legs, I flipped, turned him over got on top of him and disgraced not ours, but his family."

The wedding registry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jacob age 85, and Rebeka age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

The Bonus Payments

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring!"

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