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John D
Lv 4
John D asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

Please comment on or critique this poem?

Desktop Daymare

“Pčela tko brujanje, te nikada postati pospan?”

~ Vrinhōd Ghajuċ

A nine hour day is not so long

unless the write is going wrong.

My brain may freeze a beat or two.

Computer screams in royal blue,

“Error!” In a minor key,

the sad, sad song she sings to me:

no quiet moment in my head,

the chatter of the breathing dead

fills every way with any means

-and rattles in my waking dreams.

Update:

I meant 'write,' shnizzle. Basically, it's about getting stuck in a difficult writing assignment at work and daydreaming about doing something -anything, else (and knowing you can't).

Update 2:

Thanks, Awkward!

Update 3:

Useful tips, Flying High, thanks.

15 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    no quiet moment in my head,

    the chatter of the breathing dead

    fills every way with any means

    -and rattles in my waking dreams...

    I fell in love

    this is def my favorite by you

    haha, love the "Error!"

    excellent write :D

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    It's marvelous. Be the poem so, might or not it's as candy? Erased like as come the summer season, and prefer as be the iciness. Winds and partners come and cross, winds like so linger. Directed each and every fall.

  • 1 decade ago

    WHEN IT GET TO THE POINT OF ERROR ERROR STOP, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN AND RELAX. TAKE IN TWO FIVE SECONDS OF SLOW DEEP BREATHS AND FIVE SECONDS EXHALE. THAT WILL RELAX YOU. OR YOU CAN TAKE TWO AND PASS. DID YOU SMILE. IF SO, IT'S WORKING AS READ THIS. YOUR POEM SPEEK THE TRUTH . TO THE POINT IT WAS EASY TO READ AND I COULD VISUALIZE AS I READ. GOOD JOB. I GO THERE ONCE A WEEK. THAT'S WHY I GO TO THE GYM THREE TIMES A WEEK. DID YOU SMILE AGIN ? I'M JUST SAYING.

    Source(s): YOU CAN ALAWAYS TAKE A WALK AROUND THE BLOCK ONE TIME. FRESH AIR HELPS. SOMETIME WE DON'T LISTEN TO THE WARNINGS OUR BODY GIVE US. OUR BLOOD SUGAR IS LOW. ONE OF RESONE FOR FATEAGA. DRINK 6-8 GLASSES OF WATER DAILY. AND STAY AWAY FROM SUGAR!! IT'S NOT GOOD FOR US. I KNOW THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU READ OR HEARD THIS FROM SOMEONE. I'M JUST TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD , ONE PERSON AT A TIME. I'M JUST SAYING.
  • 1 decade ago

    From Error and on i didnt like it

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  • 1 decade ago

    Well it rhymes but makes little sense to me.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's alright but you spelt right 'write'

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Very beautiful!

    That's all I can say. Nicely written. =]

  • 1 decade ago

    i just don't like how you have to think so hard to understand but maybe im just stupid other than that it's good.

  • 1 decade ago

    I love how it rhymes and its flows so well. Nice!

  • 1 decade ago

    Thats really good. I like it:)

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