can someone tell me a good offic/work joke?

Why are bosses like diapers?

That are always on your a ss and they are usually full of sh*t.

The directors decided to award an annual prize of $100 for the best idea of saving the company money. It was won by a young executive who suggested that in future the prize money be reduced to $20.

Boss: You should have been back from lunch at 2 o'clock.

Secretary: I've been having my hair cut.

Boss: In the firm's time?

Secretary: Well, it grows in the firm's time, doesn't it?

Boss: Yes, but it doesn't all grow in the firm's time!

Secretary: Well, I didn't have all of it cut off!

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

MANAGEMENT LESSON: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

This girl sat on a copy machine and made a copy of the place where a girl sits down. The copy was posted on the bulletin board. The boss demanded to know who posted the copy. No one would admit having posted it. There was a threat of termination for the culprit. Finally, in order to determine who did it, almost every girl in the office had to be scanned before the problem was resolved.

Top 10 Excuses for Falling Asleep at the Office:

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"Amen"

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

A fire alarm rang at 4 pm in a large office campus when almost all employees were present (approx 5,000 people ).

As per past fire-drill practices, the entire office was quickly evacuated within 3 minutes, and all employees gathered outside the complex in designated areas waiting for further announcement.

Before long, the fire drill officer in-charge made the following broadcast over their loud-speakers system : "My dear colleagues : With sincere regret, I have been asked to announce that for many of you, this will be your last evacuation drill with us. Due to the on-going recession and bad business climate, the company is laying off almost 50% of its staff. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building. And if your swipe-card does not work, then it means that you have been laid off, in which case you will not be allowed inside, and all your personal belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow.

The company is using this innovative, never-before approach as we do not want to choke our email system with lay-off notices and farewell messages going by the thousands, and we also wish to avoid any fighting inside the office and the consequent security issues for all staff.

We hope you have had a rewarding career with us. Now please move back in… and good luck !

x

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two. "

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Smith, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job...

x

My broker called me this morning and said,

"Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age 55?"

"Yes, I remember," I said.

"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 108."

x

Special Scheme for Employees....

Dear staff,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of Economy since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme To put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement.This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

B/O!!!.

Officwork

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.

(No, that's not the entire joke.)

He complains, "How can I be dead already! I'm only 57!"

St. Peter replies, "That's funny. Based upon your billing hours, you must be at least 87."

Bob sits at his desk, bored. He decides to play a joke on his friend, Bob Jr." Hey Bob Jr., did you hear that the boss gives extra money to work overtime?" says Bob. "Oh," says Bob Jr., raising his eyebrows, "I didn't know your relationship with the boss is so intimate!" "Huh?" says Bob, thoroughly confused. Bob Jr. chuckled to himself and went back to work. Bob never got to finish his joke.

Here is a good one, it´s from youtube channel CoolRiddles

Riddle #102 - The Password

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugVGW0QxEBM

It´s an animated riddle, i think you will love it.