What do you guys think? guitar song?

What rhythm? Where's the rhyme scheme? What are you actually trying to say here?

Rhyme - I don't see a rhyme scheme. If you aren't playing metal, then you pretty much need a rhyme scheme across the board. One common rhyme scheme is ABCB, where the 2nd and 4th lines rhyme. I'll show that on the example below.

Rhythm - the simplest way to establish a rhythm is to write lines that have consistent syllable counts. If we look at your first verse, for instance:

He was a poor boy 5

With not a penny to his name 8

They suited him up 5

And put a gun in his hands. 7

What a lonely boy 5

He didn’t have anyone 7

So they took him away 6

Missed by no one till today. 7

You almost have a 5/7/5/7 thing going, but you don't, and that disrupts the feel and natural rhythm to the words. If we tinker with it a little, we might come up with something like this -

He was a poor boy 5

not a dollar to his name 7

they gave him a gun 5

and then sent him on his way 7

That's relatively minor tweaking, but it still says what you're trying to say, but has the added advantage of having more of a natural rhythm and consistent syllable count, which will make finding a melody for it that much easier.

Finally, meaning - what exactly is your point in all of this?

You start off by basically commenting how tragic it is that poor people are sent off to fight wars, but your chorus comments how you wouldn't do the same, right?

The subtext here is that this probably *isn't* a cause worth fighting for, right? So that makes your contradiction here even worse for you - you wouldn't go if it was worth it or not.

Its like the politicians who say how necessary war is, but won't let their kids join the military.

If this isn't the message you're trying to send, then pay closer attention to what you're saying and change it!

For better of for worse, your friend was absolutely right. I would suggest never calling your lyrics "done" until you've rewritten them at least once.... and listening to what other people say and looking at your work from as impartial a viewpoint as you can achieve will be important. If you want high quality work, you must raise the bar - if you want to communicate something with your music and be effective about it, you have to learn how to speak to people in a way that intrigues them, not just something that says "blah blah war is bad no blood for oil blah blah" etc.

There's something to be said for subtleness here - don't bludgeon the listener over the head with how tragic it all is, rather, highlight the human element and imply how tragic it is. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but keep it in your mind - tell a story, and have the story be tragic, rather than just saying "poor people.... off to die... it sucks... but better them than me".

Anyways, there's no catchiness, nothing memorable here (yet). Write your lines a little tighter, use some structure (ie syllable counts, rhyming), and keep your message consistent, and your work will improve.

Good luck!

Saul

i like the ending

ur best friend was a little to harsh with tht

the beginnning could use a little work

the chorus is very good and well thought out

u know the part u labeled B march on

march on you brave souls

While we watch

I think u could add while we watch and pray to tht last line

(Is this like a self expierence or a dedication to the soldiers fighting?)

anyway it is a very good, emotional song

it sounds great you think i could use this?? haha