Joke Friday - Whats your best Religious Joke?

Three elderly, retired gentlemen decide on a fishing trip. Once on the water, a huge storm commenced, shattering the boat and killing all three men.

The three men found themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first man "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"

"I beg your pardon?" nervously asks the first man.

St. Peter retorts "Well, the boss upstairs has decided that this is the best question in determining which model car one receives in Heaven."

"Cars in heaven!?"

"Yes" answered St. Peter. "Heaven is a huge place and we need efficient means by which to get around. Your model of car will be based on how faithful you were to your wife. So tell me, how many times did you cheat?"

"Uh... Only ten times St. Peter."

"ONLY ten times!? My goodness, that's horrible. Here's a Pinto now get out of my sight!"

The second man then approaches St. Peter, to whom St. Peter repeats the question "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Well Father, I indeed cheated on my wife, but only once! It was during our first year together, finances were rough, the stress was through the roof. I did, however, confess to her. She forgave me, we worked through it and spent the remaining 40 years of our lives together faithfully!"

"That's a lot better than your friend! Here's a Lincoln Towncar for you, my son."

The third and final gentleman approaches St. Peter, and before he could even ask the question the gentleman proudly exclaims "I've never once cheated on my wife. I've never been to a strip club, never lusted after another woman, never watched pornography. Nothing of the sort! I've remained 100% faithful!!!"

"Now that's what I like to hear!" joyously screamed St. Peter. "Here's a Porsche Panamera Turbo for you!"

So later that evening the man with the Pinto and the man with the Lincoln see the man with the Porsche balling his eyes out on the golden sidewalk. "What seems to be the matter?" asked the man with the Pinto. "Yeah! You're the talk of Heaven! Your car is even better than Moses'! Why such the long face?" adds the man with the Lincoln.

The man with the Porsche sniffles a bit, wipes his eyes, and regains his composure, responding "<sniffle> I just saw my wife! She died and is here in Heaven! <sniffle>"

"Well that's wonderful! So why are you crying?" ask the other two men.

"<sniffle> She's here on a SKATEBOARD!"

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

This'un is pretty good

They nailed the guy to the plus sign

A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. His mom and dad did everything and anything to help their son...private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMs, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.

Finally, giving up they enrolled him into a small Catholic school to await another destiny.

At the end of the first day of school the boy walked in with a stern expression on his face, and walked right past the parents and went straight to his room -and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

The parents were not sure if they should comment on the boys extra efforts for fear of him losing this new found fervor, so they seemingly ignored it. This pattern continued ceaselessly.

One day the first quarter report card came out. Unopened, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room.

His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No." "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of Catholic school."

"How so?", asked his mom.

"When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew those people meant business!"

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

Besides Fireball saying she's saved.......

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God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "****, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don�t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fu¿½n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don�t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn�t help mutter, "Oh fu�" The priest said, "That�s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "****, I Missed

Okay, this joke needs a preface. I am a Unitarian Universalist, it's a very theologically open-ended religion, mostly because we agree to disagree on beliefs.

A priest, a rabbi, a mullah, and a UU minister walk into a store. Suddenly the clerk transforms and becomes God. God says, "You are all my children and because I love you, you can each ask me one question." The priest asks, "Will the Protestants ever rejoin the Catholics?" and God says, "Yes, but not in your lifetime." Then the rabbi goes up to God and asks, "Will the Jews ever find the Promised Land?" and God says, "Yes, but not in your lifetime." Then the mullah asks God, "Will the Sunnis and the Shiites ever stop fighting?" and God says, "Yes, but not in your lifetime." Finally the UU minister goes up and asks God, "Will the UUs ever stop arguing and agree on a common theology?" and God says "Yes, but not in MY lifetime." LOL.

a gambler gets converted and becomes a Christian, a horse player goes to the horse track all the time but he becomes a Christina and attends church services regularly as he and the congregation are lifting there hands and shouting praise he keeps shouthing Hialeah Hialeah Hialeah no no his fellow Christian says it is Haliluljia Halilulijia Halilulija not Hialeah (Hialeah being the name of a famous race track)

Once upon a time, every man had the Grace of God (Divinity) with them. But they misused it, so the gods decided to take their Divinity away. The problem was, where to hide their Divinity where they would not find it? So the gods met together. There were many suggestions.

One said, "We are going to hide their Divinity in the soil of the ground." It was not accepted. Another said, "If we put it there, one day they will have machines and technology, so the people will discover it."

Another proposed to hide their Divinity under water. This proposition did not pass either. They said also, "The man is going to discover technology and go there, too, and discover it."

Yet another proposition was to hide that Divinity in the air, somewhere in the sky. That did not pass either. Again, "The man is going to discover machines and technology and be able to go there and get it."

They did not find any solution. They took a break and went away to come back another day. The legend says that it took a long time.

Then God, the King of the universe, finally found a solution. He asked all the gods (elements, Sons of God) to come back together. He said, "I know where to put their Divinity where the man would not be able to find it. We will hide their Divinity inside of the man. It is the only place that man will not look for it."

Moses receives God's commandments and wants to share them with the world.

He goes to Germany:

Moses:I CAME TO GIVE YOU GOD'S COMMANDMENTS

The Germans ask for an example

Moses:You shall not kill!

Germans:Not interested.

He goes to Italy says the same thing and Italians ask for example.

Moses:You shall not steal!

Italians:Not interested

Then he goes to France

Moses:You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.

French:Not interested.

Then Moses goes to the Jews and says he came to give them God's commandments and the Jews ask "How much do they cost?"

Moses: Nothing!They're free!

Jews:AWESOME!We'll take 10! :D

What song did the atheist who believed that man evolved from Monkees sing to the theist who was on his way to heaven?..

Ans:

I thought God was only true in fairy tails,

Meant for someone else but not for me,

I thought nothing would ever get me, do dooby do,

That's the way it seemed, do dooby do,

Now eternal disappointments will haunt all my dreams,

Then I saw Gods face, now im a believer,

There's not a trace of doubt in my mind,

Now I need God, ooh ah, now im a believer, I should have believed ya, I should have tried..