Have you seen anything interesting on the road lately? A new poem from me, please comment and critique?

Question

The Appraisal by a too-curious Mind 
By Ee Juin Ng

Along, this one-way street is drenched
with rain of yester’s stench;
the too-bright sun attempts to drink
but spills light to the brink 
I walk on; heed not wind or shine
as I observe these tell-tale signs

On piles after piles, the tin cans stood
as if by pride which one would
derive from an empty mouth:
the words, not more, are loud
I speak, I shout; no voice but mine
is heard from one of this design 

A piece of porcelain is perched; 
remains by a wrong lurch
of hasty hands that ruined so many
more than the worth of penny
I hold it up and let go; it shatters;
the beauty gone, no more in matter 

Beneath the soaring towers, lays
a face of copper’s weight;
with a scorned lip and upturned nose
it bears each scratch that shows
My foot o’erstepped the coin, by chance;
I left and gave no spare of glance

A rock is no more than a rock;
it stays as if it’s locked
upon the smooth and flattened road
as wheels turned and legs strode
Today, it moves a slight from force;
I gave a budge to its still course  

From grand-boughed trees, the twigs have fallen
amongst the roses; forgotten;
a single may not be of use
but a small heap will rouse 
the tamest fires; I have known, 
therefore I kept some as my own 

A feather fell out of the blue
not white but black in hue
The parent is a common crow 
yet, from below, it glows
With much interest, I peruse;
it’s worth more than a gem, I mused

So many and so few have I seen
yet to learn I am keen
from each; the grimes and pearls alike
are pillage from this hike
I shall go forth wherein I hope
to see and think beyond my scope

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Actually, to introduce some perspective into the proceedings, although showing hints of promise in a few places it fails to deliver the goods. Needs smoothing out and fine-tuning as far as meter goes. In short, a nice song in the making, but sung off-key and out of tune. (I do like to reiterate a point, don't I?)

The only 'amazing' thing so far is some of the responses, not the poem itself.

it&#39;s me · Answer

I agree that it needs a bit of smoothing out, but this is a "piece of work."
There are many things that are what they are, until touched by the human hand.
Excellent start to your random thoughts.  You have some beautiful lines here.  You are so good at this.

♪♫NancyLiz ® ♫♪ ™ · Answer

Hi K.
it has been awhile ...Knowing English is not your first language I am impressed but I think contrary to most of your answers this deserves more time and effort, I hate to agree with  you know who.. but sometimes he has points worth taking.
There are some trip up spots in this for me when I read it.

Anonymous · Answer

I must have the tin-est of tin ears.

All I see is words with rhyme and meter.

the plot is like "oh here's a rock, oh here's a feather."

I AM AN IDIOT SO MY CRITICISM IS PROBABLY PRAISE.

But I find it a pointless amble.

[I don't know why it didn't occur to me that English is not your first langauge. For someone writing in a "learned tongue" you manage pretty damned well. My reaction was probably overstated.]

Anonymous · Answer

You're too young to be writing stuff this good.

I tripped over a few lines (S3, L2) and felt the rhyme was forced on some (S3, L6).

A good poem.

Anonymous · Answer

In what you call 
"some random thoughts"
there are at least three poems
steaming like dim sum.

Have a star.

Daisy · Answer

Amazing. Absolutlely what Buk said. This is simply very good poetry. I am impressed.

Anonymous · Answer

IWMD sees what I saw....several beautiful poems inside "some thoughts"

keep thinking

? · Answer

Far from random Juin
this is well thought out and executed expertly
Thank you for us on this walk

. · Answer

This may be the first of yours I've read. Keep them coming; your style is too cool & I enjoyed it immensely. TY

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Have you seen anything interesting on the road lately? A new poem from me, please comment and critique?

13 Answers