Help?? Husband refuses to intereact with my family. Blames them for auto accident.?

No one can treat you badly unless you allow them to. While you are blaming your parents for the accident, you really need to take responsibility for yourself:

-YOU chose to go help them

-YOU got into the accident...it was an accident, so you can't blame your parents. Some things are preventable and some aren't, but as a parent yourself, it is your responsibility to watch out for your kids and ensure their safety (no loading boxes in your car)

-YOU choose to care about people who don't care about you

-YOU are way too nice...like the word "welcome" written on a doormat

It's OK to say NO to people...why didn't you at any point in this situation? I agree with your husband. Why would you want toxic people in your life? Let go and move on with your life...your parents are never going to change or realize the error of their ways. Why are you allowing others to treat you this way...all in the name of family?

Sometimes accidents are accidents. It isn't your parents' "fault" that you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You could say that if that guy hadn't done the U-Turn, you wouldn't have had the accident, too. That said, most people would feel some measure of guilt/concern about your accident in your parents' position; at least enough to pitch in any way they could to help you through it. Their actions, including wanting your husband to stay and unload their truck before going to the hospital to see how you and your child were, would give me fits.

For that reason, I'd be inclined to blow them off and do your own thing. You have given NO indication that they have changed their ways, and I don't think I would want my children to be influenced by such selfish and uncaring people. If you are still dithering over this after 4 years, perhaps you need to discuss it with a counselor so that you can resolve it for yourself once and for all. For your husband, it is a no-brainer. You are torn. That's why you are fighting. People can forgive some pretty big things, and they can choose not to. It is sitting on the fence that is killing you.

We don't get to choose our family. And since family are people like everyone else, sometimes we end up with family members that really aren't worth the pain and effort. I am sorry to say that I know a lot of grandparents who aren't worth a damn.

Reality check here. Do you really think your parents think in any way about the accident FOUR years ago? Of course not. There is no way that they can apologize for something they take no responsibility for.

Your husband isn't upset about the accident. He is upset about what happened or more specific what didn't happen after the accident. Your parents did not go to the hospital.

They are not good parents. They are not there for you or your family and are not good influences. More harm than good. Your husband knows this and you whining for the kids to know their grandparents does not change what kind of people they are. He is the father of your children and it is his job to protect them from people like this.

Wait til your kids grow up and then maybe your parents will have matured into decent people. It happens but let your kids be old enough to make their own call.

Since neither your dad or mother was driving the vehicle, I am afraid that technically, you are responsible for this accident. Please own your responsibility. In my state of residence, traffic accidents no longer exists. There are only car crashes which are always 100% avoidable. As a mother, you owed your children your first allegiance and should not have undertaken any action or responsibility which endangered their safety. The law now indicates that the responsibility for any given crash always lies with one or more of the involved drivers - there are almost never extenuating circumstances which make some third party who was not even at the wheel responsible. Since your parents were far away, how could they be held responsible for what a careless driver did? Blaming your parents seems to be the result of faulty logic.

However, according to your version of the events, your parents do seem to be irresponsible and uncaring people. Yet, are you justified in breaking off all ties with them. I would say no. I am of the opinion that one should never discard human beings; they are not trash. They are precious human beings who are prone to error as are we all. You are angry and perhaps rightfully so. On the other hand, your parents gave you life, supported and protected you for 18 years or more, paid for your education, loved you and nurtured you. You must acknowledge that the good probably outweighs the bad. If you set standards for discarding human beings, these same standards may justifiably be applied against you at some later date. It may be that your own children will reject you based on some regrettable misunderstanding. Remember, no one is perfect.

What is lacking here is maturity, selflessness and communication. Not to mention the most important element of all - LOVE.

Open lines of communication with your parents. If the situation is too tense for face to face interchange, then write a courteous but honest letter expressing your concerns. If you can meet with your parents, then you really should. Perhaps plan to eat out somewhere together, or to meet in some neutral place, such as a public park. You might consider consulting a professional negotiator who can help you resolve this conflict. Show your children that you and your husband are loving, caring, evolved human beings. Demonstrate that you operate according to high moral standards, not based on angry knee-jerk sentiments. Also, you indicated that you will never obtain an apology from them.Well, you never know until you try.

If anyone deserves an apology, it's you, especially since you're THEIR daughter, and not even just their daughter-in-law. I commend you on your attitude and desire to have anything to do with your parents - I'm not sure if I could do the same. However, when it comes to in-laws, I believe the person whose family is in question, that spouse has the final say. If you want to have a relationship with your parents, that's your choice, and your husband needs to support you, especially since, again, you're the one who's suffered the most long-term damage as a result of this. However, if he simply can't do that (which you know your situation, family, and husband the best), then you need to accept his limitations. Which would be worse? Him giving in and showing up and risking a few choice words said and relationships damaged further? Or your family (who I assume already understands the situation) being offended and risking that damage? If he goes, he needs to be with it ALL the way otherwise you're asking for even more trouble. Weigh where the damage would be worse if there's no way of convincing him to grin and bear it - and i mean grin and bear it, not just show up and be obviously resentful.

Sounds harsh, but I would say forget about them. It is a shame that your kids will be out a set of granparents, but are they the kind of grandparents you want your kids to have?

From the incident you described, your parents are exceedingly selfish, vile people. They tricked you into moving them, and didn't show gratitude even with the sneakiness. They didn't cause your accident - it was a coincidence that it happened while you were doing them an unwanted favour - but so what? They didn't apologize, show grave concern and drop everything to make sure you were okay. They didn't even offer to help out afterwards.

If you forgive them, without a proper and genuine apology, you are letting your kids see that. In turn, they will believe in that crap 'blood is thicker than water'. That it's okay to let family wrong you simply because they are family, to tuck tail and allow for future abuse of caring.

I agree with your husband. Ignore them until you get the apology...without asking for it...but you may never get it.

Its not in any way your mom and dads fault you got into an accident. You decided to help on your own good will- and some idiot pulled in front of you on the highway. Had that idiot of been your mom or dad- that would be a different story. Im sorry for the pain this has caused you, but you nor your husband can continue to blame your parents for what happened to you. To blame your parents is just easier for you to accept that something terrible happened.

Your parents sound like extremely selfish close minded people. If i were your husband i wouldn't want to go either, But people are people and irregardless they are your mom and dad. They invited you down, you should go. Maybe only stay a short visit, plan on ONLY staying for dinner, than getting the heck out of their. You need to see your mom and dad, they could die tomorrow. I know deep down you love them, and want to be a part of their lives...no matter how much pain they may cause you. Go down, take your kids, explain to your husband like it or not they are your family.

How would you like it if one of your children grew up to have four kids and completely banished you from their lives?

Stop living in the past, stop holding a grudge. you only get one life...LIVE IT.

edit...after thinking about it

Im not really sure its true your parents made your husband unload the truck before he came and saw you. There is another side to that story, it sounds way to bogus. what father doesn't check on his daughter after shes been in a horrible accident? or allow her husband to at that. something else was going on, theirs something there that's missing. And why did all the church people leave as soon as you guys got there? Maybe theirs a reason they left other than not wanting to help.... like maybe they don't like you? I need to know your parents side of the story. their are to many totally bogus blame fingers pointing at them.

Honestly I stopped reading at the point you wrote:

"My dad wanted him to unload the moving truck before he went to the hospital to check on us!! "

That speaks volumes about your dad and me being a family man with kids, for your dad to ask your husband to wait on checking on the lives of his family to unload crap is infuriating!

I wouldn't want to associate with someone like that either. I would ask for an apology and if they said no...To hell with them. My family comes first. I would be civil for the kids and my wife but there is no way in hell I would forget their actions when my family's lives were hanging in the balance.

Family is not about blood. Its what they do when bad things happen.

UPDATE: Came back and still shaking mad reading this! Its just hits a father on a core level that what your father did was wrong. Its like a mother finishing at a beauty salon after getting a call her daughter has been raped.

Its a basic instinct all parents have that I can't believe your folks have no clue about. I really want to fly over to your parents home and punch them...AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

I agree with your husband. Your parents have caused many burdens in your family, so the least they could do is apologize. If I were you, I wouldn't accept the apology, though. I'd probably scream at them, hurl at chair at their heads, total their car, steal their money, and many other things, although that would probably get you into some trouble...just demand an apology and go to their house, but treat them extremely rudely during the stay. Then, invite them to YOUR house and put some laxatives and coal ashes in their coffee =].

Just curious...how did your parents treat you when you were a child?

Let him do what he wants to do. It's not your parents fault for the accident. if they had known, I'm certain they would have had movers do it. Hubby thinks that they ruined his life and yours but that is not so. It's timing. Timing is everything, if you were a bit slower or faster in your driving, you wouldn't have had THAT accident. you obviously didn't know. Blame cannot be assigned here except to the person that made the u turn in front of you.