My Wife hates Christmas!?

Question

For as long as we've been together we have spent a large part of the Christmas periods not speaking. In previous years we've at least made it through Christmas day. I love Christmas, she just views it as a few days when she doesn't have to go to work. I've made all the effort again physically and financially bought all the presents for both families, she paid me for her mums. She has no interest whatsoever, I have had 1 cheap DVD off her so far which turned up today, she ordered it on the 22nd December. She usually gets her credit card out and takes me shopping in the sales (Point at which we usually end up storming off in different directions), this year as we haven't spoken since Christmas Day night that hasn't happened. I go overboard on her gifts every year, I take note of what she mentions and go for it. I must have spent about £300 this year on gifts for her. I really don't learn.

We were all going over to her mum and dads (complicated situation, divorced for years but still live together, just in separate rooms) after picking up my mum. I know when she was growing up and they were divorcing, christmas's weren't that happy at time, a lot of arguments etc. From the moment she came downstairs on Christmas morning I could tell she wasn't up for it. She basically near enough ignored my mum and me all day, my mum has a hearing aid and my wife finds it hard to talk to her but hey it's Christmas make the effort! I was talking to her granddad about Pensioners Bus Passes at one point. 

It got to the point where i'd had enough and told her we wanted to leave, which led to our hour long discussion in her parents kitchen, her dad lost his temper and shouted at her, what he said was right but he shouldn't have shouted at her. Eventually she apologised to my mum but we haven't really spoken since and on Boxing Day she gave me back the money my mum (My mum is a pensioner in her 70's I found this a total insult to her) and her dad had given her for Christmas. That just threw oil on the fire for me. The most infuriating thing is that she has made some effort, she got her best friend and her daughter Christmas and Birthday presents all I heard about for the week before was how she'd love this etc. Which we went round on Christmas Eve for two hours to drop off. Just me and any family members don't seem to count. 

I know she probably has ghosts of Christmas past but as long as i've known her at Christmas her parents have been wonderful, far too generous with their gifts. They like my mum, they made a real effort to make her welcome this year, and my mum likes them. My mum has done absolutely nothing to offend my wife in any way.

I wouldn't mind the lack of effort in helping with the gifts or the fact that she doesn't get me much if she could hold it together and at least pretend to be having a good time.

Jeanne R · Accepted Answer

It sounds like your wife has a real anger issue about "Christmas" as I'm certain you already know.  But that anger issue is starting to affect your marriage.  It would not be unreasonable for you to ask her to accompany you to marriage counseling.  If she refuses, you should go by yourself.   There is something going on with her that none of you know about.  It may be some passive aggressive behavior adding to the stress of the situation but until you both see a counselor, it is not going to change.

? · Answer

1

? · Answer

The thing that was missing from this was, why does she hate Christmas? There's a reason for her behavior and, as her husband, you need to find out what it is. Maybe she had a traumatic experience or lost a loved one, etc. Her behavior sucked. That's a given. But you should get to the root of her behavior by finding out what emotions were driving it. Clearly it was a big enough deal that she couldn't think to put your appreciation for the holiday first so that's gotta be something big. Maybe counseling is in order to make her open up to you? You should approach this in a non threatening way but make sure she understands that you need to know why she behaved this way so you can make things better. Once you find out what's really behind it, you can tell her how much you appreciate when she is supportive of your excitement and come to a compromise for next year.

Orla C · Answer

Why don't you just agree to go your separate ways over the Christmas period in future? As it happens, some people find the few days to be forced and artificial, I know I do. If she'd be happier going away on a holiday then, why not let her do that, and then you don't have to be worried about her, and she won't have to worry about you? You'd both have a nice time, and then you'd both be happy to see each other again.

~*~ chiclets gum ~*~ · Answer

Hmm, sounds like I will be turning into her when/if I get married.  I dont like Christmas anymore because bad things happen and I get disappointed by family members because they would ruin the holiday.  So I stopped caring and would get in a cruddy mood as Christmas gets nearer and nearer.  

The only thing I could suggest is try talking to her and maybe go to marriage counseling.  It seams like she is getting herself ready for something bad to happen and is just preventing herself from being disappointed again if she is already in a cruddy mood.

? · Answer

your right. it's most likely the stress of it all. she might be feeling unappreciated about it all. how she use to go all out with everything yet never getting a complement... but i don't know your wife so can't completely say. but i'm 99% sure it's just stress

blackgrumpycat · Answer

Next year make her gift a holiday for the two of you over the festive period.  Perhaps then she will enjoy herself.  Unfortunately you can't make her enjoy all that goes with Christmas.

Nashvegas · Answer

If you're going to stay married to this woman, leave her @ the house next year and don't waste your money on getting her presents.  She'll be much happier at home alone.

Telulater · Answer

How about taking ONE freeking Christmas out of your life and trying to do what SHE wants to do.  If she doesn't want to do Christmas then DONT.  If she wants to go on vacation then go.  Just one time do it her way and see if that works out any better.

Anonymous · Answer

you can't make her like Xmas...next year...why not take her away for a nice holiday instead of putting up with all the rubbish that is involved with Xmas and get togethers...which lots of us tolerate - but don't like.  try that!

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My Wife hates Christmas!?

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