Constructive criticism for my writing please!?

You got my attention...I'm wanting to read the rest of it already.

I consider myself a writer; I'm up on grammar, sentence structure, etcetera.

There was no place in your writing which caused me to have to stop and look back to try to figure out what you were writing. It looks and reads like a book to me!

I disagree with all of the above criticism. I could tell it is being written for a certain age level, whether the writer realizes it or not. I was placing it on a shelf in a library.

"Hey Riles"...would be exactly right for the level of reader it will attract.

What is or isn't relative is in the eyes of the writer. For me, the details set the stage. I could see the boy behind the blue car. Again, for the age level it will target, they will like the visuals or else it would be boring. I think it is perfect the way it is.

I thought it was pretty good - a great opening piece. You can see what's going on in the story and gives a satisfactory amount of information about the main character. However, I think that you should use more vivid verbs, such as instead of "she just looked at my face" use "she searched my face" and that type of thing. It's very good.

In the criticisms that talk about relevancy with the blue Toyota Yaris and Katrina's exact height, I disagree that they are irrelevant. I think that this type of thing adds to the story instead of taking away from it. It gives you an idea of the character - the fact that Katrina has a blue Toyota Yaris can mean that she likes cute cars and the color blue, and her family is financially fit for Katrina to have her own car. The fact about Katrina's diminuitive height is really, really good because it can help readers either relate to Katrina or just get to know her. Readers can be reminded of one of their friends or themselves with these little descriptions. I would keep them if I were you.

Well, it definitely is an interesting start. You're thrown directly into the story which instantly captures your attention. Still it needs some refining. The room was filled with a metallic smell which caused her stomach to scream in protest. *** "scream in protest" bit sounds a bit weird in this context Slowly she pulled her numb body over the rough carpet towards the man. *** watch out with using the same word twice (numb) => watch out for the over use of adjectives Her hands sought restlessly for a pulse, but found none. + All of a sudden the doorbell rang, but she couldn’t get to the door – her body was simply numb. => there is some contradiction here, I think, OR she is moving frantically (restlessly) OR she is paralysed (numb). You cannot have it both ways. It seems like she is reacting in inconsistent manner. Keep up working, it will be very good in the end.

I hope these coments help

"A loud noise brought my head out of the clouds. - don't need that speech mark b4 a loud noise

“OUCH! Damnit!” - start a new line for this

I heard my little brother, Riley, yelled - yell - not yelled

My car, a little blue Toyota Yaris, - is this relevant? U might want to leave it out if not

“Hey Kat!” - start a new line for this

he said in my direction, - u might wanna leave this out - we can guess that

still gritting his teeth in pain. - I liked this

Oh Riley. He did not understand the places a book could take me. - thoughts can go in italics to differentiate them from speech

“Whatever.” he said, “Wanna help me with this?” - no capital letter necessary for Wanna

“Katrina!” I heard my mom sigh with relief, - can you sigh with relief?

She grabbed me up in a bone-crushing bear hug, and started crying into my hair. - lovely writing.

but she was nearly a foot taller than my 5 feet and 2 inches. - is this relevant?

Then she just looked at my face, all over, as if she was memorizing it. - lovely writing

He was so tall now, way taller than me, almost as tall as Mom. - very nice but relevant??

........ have for a long time." - no speech mark necessary

The characters are very two dimensional "hey Kat" "Hey Riles" not many people speak like you have interpreted them to

Apart from that this has some great potential please upload more for a great read

thanks

Honestly, just because of my personal preference, I wouldn't be interested in the story. BUT, it is good. I like the development of the characters. I like how she refers to riley as "Riles". I like how realistically they seem to act. Keep writing.

I like this :) You write well, but I noticed in the second line, you put yelled instead of yell. That was the only mistake I noticed though.

You're a newbie writer, huh? I could tell. Just practice and practice :)

Read more books and see how the pros do it.

Your writing style reminds me of how I started out but I've improved a bit.

That was great! Try to susbitute the thank yous into thanks.

Considering her age (:

Also try adding some more sadness express her feelings (:

ur a awesome writer!

I read it. Its good! I don't think you should add anything else but thought shots and strong sensory details could possibly make it even better?