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husband cheated and left me with 5 years old. He is not living with the other woman but they are a couple?

I've been with my husband since I was 17. We married at 22 and I am now 29. We have a 5 years old son. He is the joy of our life. Or so I believed. We moved from europe to Canada and our first 5 years has been hell. But we made it through and finally got our lives together: car, beautiful house, money etc. We were like any couples, ups and downs. Nopthing special except that we loved each other so much. Last August,2009 one of his childhood friends came to live in canada and stayed at our house for 2 weeks. We get along very well, she is a pretty girl and was very nice. I am a really attractive woman and I trusted my husband so I was not threatened. Beside, I never thougt it would happened. I have my own business and left out of town for 1 month. When I got back, my husband told me he was leaving me because he was not in love with me. I was crushed but didn't think for a second that he cheated. Then 5 days, he was out looking for a place and I went into his email. There I found everything: "I love you"how they slept together, how they loved each other. I was devastated. I confronted the woman, she denied everything but finally admited. My husband came home and denied they slept together at first but said yes after. too make a long story short, I was willing to make it work, he was not. He left me with our 5 years old and I thought it was over. I cried, begged, read everything online. I am emailing one of our friends in europe and he found out about it. He came back crying that he still loves me but he is confused. He is a spiritual man and NEVER cheated on me before. He has values and doesn't recognize himself in that situation. He things that maybe god sent that woman for him because he was not happy with his life. According to him, she is his twin. They think a like and they even look alike. But him and I share the same vision, ambitions and values. He misses that and doesn't know what to do. I still love him, I think of our son and I want to still fight for our marriage but day after day, I feel like I don't want anymore...what should I do?

15 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    You may still love him, but he betrayed you. Can you forgive that? He has basically thrown his life with you and your son away for this woman. What kind of a man with values does that. This was not just a moment of madness, this was an affair that he hid from you and lied to you about.

    He is probably confused because he misses you and your son, but think hard about why he misses you. Is it because of the security and familiarity you give him? If he had loved you that much he wouldn't have cheated.

    Think very hard about what you want you want to do. It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it, and that is only going to cause you heartache. It's not worth it believe me.

    You both have to want it to work for it to even stand a chance. He doesn't want it enough, otherwise he would be trying to win you back.

    I think that you need to let him go. Make a life for you and your son and move on. If at some point down the line you can let him back into your life then make sure it is for the right reasons and make sure before you do you both get professional help.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Marriage is a war. For some couples it's an unrelenting struggle to make things work, day after day.

    Look at Hilary Clinton. Not only did she cope privately with Bill's infidelity, she had to deal with pictures of Lewinsky, snide remarks and public humiliation about her failure as a wife. But she pulled through.

    Your husband was alone with her, and she seduced him, or maybe he just lost his head in an unguarded moment. Simple. He's a man. They're like that.

    Never leave a married man a "chance" to be unfaithful, or he will take it. Cynical, but there it is. Meet his every physical need, praise and pay him attention, but don't forget to show him when you are displeased. He'll stay faithful.

    The thing is, ALL men will let you down, in one way or another. Giving up on this marriage to find "someone who will love and respect you" is a myth. Whoever you end up with will hurt you, and you will hurt them, whether you mean to or not. It's human nature.

    Either you grit your teeth and forgive him, but make him work hard for it - stay separated for some time, but not longer than a month - while talking about the situation on the phone, emails, but not face to face. Then, take him back with both eyes wide open, knowing full well that:

    1. He might cheat again.

    2. Divorce is VERY messy where children are involved.

    3. Children have a right to have both parents around, and a boy needs his father, no matter how lousy the father is, as a person.(as long as he doesn't do anything to harm the child.)

    4. You will never be able to bring up the subject again, without undoing all the good work you have done.

    OR:

    You don't take him back, go down the messy road of divorce because you know in your heart that you can never forget, and deal with the future years of pain when your son asks questions, or your ex and his family start trying to turn your child against you. With a child, divorce is never a true solution. There'll be social services, visitations, school decisions, countless opportunities for conflict, which over the years leaves a huge emotional scar on the child.

    But if you do decide to get a divorce, don't make the mistake of marrying again, looking for a near-perfect man - there isn't one.

    Look for love, sympathy and understanding elsewhere - from God, from your son, work, family and friends. No man should be your source, or you will be disappointed - again.

    All the best.

  • ?
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Sophie, I am going to be rather cruel here!

    If, what you are saying is true, then you are wasting all your energies on a man who just does not care.

    I am stumped why he should sleep with this woman when he sees her has his "twin sister"! That shouts volumes to me and one that is not nice.

    Sweetheart, I know that you love him and have a child, but he clearly does not respect you. He just would not do this if he did.

    I am sorry, but he does recognise what he is doing. He is trying to find a way out.

    You have two choices: be prepared for it to happen again or to say goodbye.

    I know this is harsh, but you have yourself and your child to think about and this man just does not want to be a part of this.

    So sorry for not saying what you want to hear.

    edit: having read this again - sorry I am sporting a headache at the moment and really did not read it properly.

    It could be just possible that when he slept with this other woman, he mistakenly recognised their amazing likeness etc as being in love - especially if they have not seen each other for so long!

    You say that he misses what you both had together, then you know, forget what I said before and ask him if he wants to give you and he another go.

    Perhaps he is a decent man and has been caught off guide and feels bad for what he has done and guilty.

    I hope this is the reason for your sake.

  • 1 decade ago

    You are trying to tell us that before she came over he had no feelings for her at all? They hadnt talked about how bad his life was or anything else. She just happened to pop over for a holiday? Are you dumb? They'd arranged their little affair behind your back becasue she has been giving him sympathy for his "terrible" life and he felt he deserved a little present of some extra marital sex. Only, it made him feel he wanted to carry it on. Then they both lied to you about it when you caught them out, I have no idea why when it was all out in the open, they didnt even have the decency to own up and apologise! I can only assume it is because he intened to carry on pulling the wool over your eyes while he consoled himself with this little homewrecker. Now he comes to you whining about how bad he's had it so he deserved a present from God which was this woman. WTF? And you are trying to make yourself believe him? I take it life has been a bed of roses for you too, these last 5 years? You've had it good and dont deserve anything nice, like loyalty, or a proper husband? He's given in to temptaion, he is weak and to top it all off he's trying to tell you a big fat lie about how God has sanctioned it? Oh dear. No wonder you want out. LEAVE HIM he would be the only winner if you stay, he will do it again and again now he has had a taste, and if you let him get away with it you'd be the biggest fool on earth.

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  • cjlpn3
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    When cheating occurs, it is hurtful and devastating for both spouses. He was missing something within your marriage and in weakness went elsewhere . I am sure he does still love you. Affairs usually happen when someone makes you feel in a way you thought had been missing in your marital relationship. this is not an excuse but a fact. Sex is usually not what an affair is all about. If you want to make it work, here are a few suggestions coming from someone who has been in the same boat as you and him. I had an affair 14 years ago and I can tell you that I never thought I would do that nor did any one else. I watched my husband come home from work and look at me with disgust, he wouldn't speak to me, when I tried to talk he just brushed me aside. I assumed he was having another fling with someone and since my son had recently married, I saw no reason to stay. I started talking to someone of the opposite sex and an affair developed. I never stopped loving my husband but I could not live with him and feel so lonely. This was not about sex, it was about having someone to talk to that made me feel loved. Needless to say , I found myself loving my husband but scared of what lay ahead of us. Initially, it was so hard to stay in the home with my husband even though that is where I wanted to be because of the stress. many times I wanted to steal a minute with the other man just for comfort. You feel torn and lost. guilt eats away at you. I had to sit down and answer all the hard questions my husband asked and it was hard but I knew I had to tell him the truth about every thing. As it turned out, I also found out that he had been seeing someone from our past within two weeks of our separation. He was not as honest as I was until i had the proof in front of his face. In all the years of our marriage, I had never sought out the truth before but I felt the only way to save the marriage was to get the proof I had to so we could get all the dirty laundry out in the open and then put it in the past where it belongs. that was what it took for him to quit trying to place all the blame on me. When we sat down to talk , I discovered that he had been depressed about the job that he had and was very resentful of me because my career was flourishing. He pushed me away. I thought he was letting me know that he no longer loved me since our son had recently married. What I am telling you is this, find out why and how she made him feel, talk to him and bring up anything about the affair that you need answers to, find ways to work through your maritial issues. After he answers your questions, put the affair in the past. You won't forget but you can not mention it again. It will take time to build the trust that was broken It will hurt for a while but if you can do these things , your marriage will be better in the end. Good luck

  • JoKTM
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    It might be time to get a divorce lawyer. He doesn't know what he wants and going through an early midlife crisis. If he gets back with you it's because he wants familiarity. Think about this long and hard. You may want to tell your husband you want couples therapy or it's over.

  • Jessy
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    WOW, deja vu--Been there and done that. He is telling you what you want to hear. He'll continue to cheat and lie. Even though you love him and want to make it work( so did I) and I tried with everything I had to make it work, it didn't. It's been a long and hard up hill battle but after 2 yrs I am finally over him and happy. I wouldn't take him back now if he crawled back on his hands and knees. You deserve someone who will love you and be devoted to you.

    He will continue to break your heart over and over again, move on and find someone who deserves you.

    Source(s): Married, Divorced due to a lying, cheating husband.
  • 1 decade ago

    Let him go. It sounds like the only reason he is sorry is because he got caught and he looks like such a dick. A spiritual man? He sure doesn't sound like one.

    You trusted him and he took that trust and threw it away. It sounds like it's time for you to move on. Sorry. Best of luck to you in the future.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Is infidelity one of your values? Because it is one of his. I fought for a cheater once, and when I got him back I realized I hadn't won anything. I think you should seek counseling to find peace in your situation. Good luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    I don't understand women who are willing to "fight for marriages" with total losers.

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