Do you feel the "primal bond"?

In our foster care training, we had a really interesting trainer for one of the days, and she made a really interesting point. Now, I have no idea if this is true or not; I am no expert on this topic, but it is an answer to your question. I just don't know if it is a CORRECT answer. :-)

She told us that a "bond" is different than an "attachment". A baby will bond once--to his/her mother, in utero--after that, everything else is an "attachment". The word "bond" as it pertains to relationships seems to be grossly overused.

A bond is physiological (primal would probably be another word for it), not emotional, she said. Newborns do not recognize themselves as separate from their caregivers (mothers) as of yet, which is why it is called a "bond" (to join). When this bond is broken, that baby will not transfer a bond. They will likely not recognize the absence of a PERSON, since they don't yet understand their mother to be separate from them...but there will be a noticeable change that can create a certain amount of confusion and trauma for a newborn, I'm sure. Can you imagine someone lopping off a part of you that is supposed to keep you warm and give you nourishment? It would be devastating, to say the least (remembering, of course, that babies are ego-centric, for the sake of survival).

Attachment is different. Attachments are formed with other caregivers, including fathers, when baby begins to recognize other caregivers who are in his/her life. Attachments are emotional, rather than physiological, and are based on familiarity, history and shared experiences.

Just thought that was interesting.

I have noticed that many youth who were abused and either grew up in foster care, or were adopted from foster care, or just those who grew up in their abusive homes note the absence of that bond. I'm wondering if there is some sort of physiological (again, primal) response in those who do not trust their parents, particularly mothers, and that "pull" is silenced somehow...Like part of a survival instinct.

I am neither adoptee, nor biological mother, nor foster youth, so I will speak for none. Just a thought that occured to me when I read your question.

I'm sorry you were abused. :-(

I personally will never know if I can bond with a bio child the same way I did with our son. In fact, I'm sure parents bond differently to each biological child depending on a number of factors.

What I can say is that our son's first mom put in writing, the day we met her and our son, she felt like "he already knew" we loved him and would take care of him. That means a lot. And it's true.

But is that a primal bond? Probably not.

To me, "primal" implies...an organic, systemic, basic instinct...and that leads me towards the biology part of bonding. That can never be dismissed.

To be honest...I don't feel a primal bond to my own mom. And I think that has a lot to do with the fact that it was never interrupted so...literally...I didn't know what I would be missing. If I never did without...I wouldn't know the difference. To add to that: It was a rough childhood with her too. Perhaps that's the reason. Who knows.

In any case, our family as it is now, has bonded very well. Attachment was never an issue. So, although the type of bonding may be different...I will always maintain that the QUALITY of the bond is of equal value.

BTW: This was NOT a stupid question...Walter...you're reported. Using a vulgar term like "tarded" to insult the OP AND those with mental disabilities at the same time pretty much puts you in a class by yourself.

The act of prayer or worship has been scientifically proven to release endorphins through the human body, making the worshiper feel good. Thus, it is good for the person praying. Psychic experimentation by the United States military has gotten some results, as well as certain experiments in the private sector. Thus, if you pray, and you feel good about it, it makes you feel that "God" is going to help, and may actually cause the results you want.

coming from the mother side, my son and I did have the bond. My son told me that he felt it, and I certainly did.

It was very obvious when we had our physical reunion. It was very emotional. I picked him up at the airport, and he cried for 60 miles...to my home.

This was not characteristic of his personality under stress. He was a career combat soldier, very cool in stressful situations, and had hard- landed a burning helicopter while remaining calm enough to get himself and the co-pilot out before the thing exploded and burned down to the frame. He had been deployed many times and was used to controlling his emotions.

When he was born, I was able to hold him and feed him. I noticed that he would always stop crying when the nurses brought him to me. Every single time. He knew who I was. I gave birth without sedation, so that made him more alert and it was easier for us to connect.

I do think that children who are taken from abusive mothers may not feel connected, but I also wonder sometimes if there are mothers who somehow "disconnect" when they are pregnant. Maybe the child feels this in the womb.

OTOH, I knew I wanted my baby and focused my love and care on him while pregnant. I did not disconnect from him. This might have an effect on the child, who is developing and is affected by the emotions of the mother.

My son is a narcissist as well so I really don't know if he feels the primal bond with me. I do for him and my love for him is unconditional but I do have my eyes open to his "loving" me one minute and "hating" me the next.

i dont have a primal bond with my first mom or with my half-brothers. we look alike but we are different in every way. i might have a bond with my older half-sister but i dont kno bc i never met her. im really really really glad i found them tho bc i was sooooo curious, i think i would have died if i never found them. but now that i kno them i feel like they r my distant relatives and not my mom and brothers so basically i treat them like i would my aunt and cousins and stuff, bc they do not feel like my family at all.

I first met my bio family a couple of years ago and I didn't feel any kind of bond with them at all. My bio mom seemed nice enough but we didn't really have anything in common; no mannerism, no personality traits, there was nothing 'familiar' about her. She and my bio dad were high school sweethearts. She got pregnant but wanted to go to college so they both decided on adoption. Ironically, they ended up married and had two more kids later on.

I searched because I was interested in getting my medical history, which they were very nice and gave to me, and I was curious about them. I met the entire family. I felt a little bad that we didn't have any kind of bond but I think they all recognized it too. Their kids are very much like them and they are all super nice people. They wanted to know all about me and my mother (I was adopted by a single mom) told me all about themselves and their family. It was pleasant but felt more like small talk with someone you met at a party. At first I thought maybe I just needed more exposure to them to form a bond but even after meeting regularly and hanging out and getting to know each other there was no feeling of any kind of bond - on their side as well. We actually talked about it. The kids were really surprised that we had absolutely nothing in common. I think they had always imagined I'd fit right into the family with the rest of them. They were quite surprised by how different we were - different spiritual beliefs and values, different tastes in food/movies/clothing/etc, different life ambitions, etc. I think we all realized there wasn't any kind of bond there and we stopped trying to force one. Now we exchange holiday cards, the occasional e-mail. It's kind of exactly like the relationship I have with old college friends I've drifted apart from. I was very glad they felt the same way too.

Ironically, I have an incredibly strong bond with my adoptive mom. My mom and I are exactly alike and people are usually shocked when they find out I'm adopted. We share the same tastes/ideas/values/mannerisms/etc. That's likely due to environmental learning (Nature v. Nurture) but it's there. When I took my mom with me to meet my bio family for the first time they just watched us together and couldn't get over how alike we are. My bio mom laughed at us and said fate directed me into the hands of the mom I was supposed to have (they didn't have the option to pick the adoptive parents with the agency they used). So I'd have to say...if I feel a primal bond with anyone it's with my mom (adoptive).

No, I never felt any bond, let alone anything 'primal'. I've spoken to many adoptees (my parents were foster & adoptive parents who ran support group for foster-adopt parents) some say they felt abandoned, the majority didn't.

People need to realise every single person is different. What one person feels another won't and vice versa. Just don't tell me I'm in denial.

No I don't feel a primal bond at all, infact I wish I never met the wreck that gave birth to me. I think most foster kids feel that way to some degree. If you were brought up in a loving family, and don't know anything but love, I guess your feelings would be alot different.

Personally, no.

That doesn't change that there might still be one - it's just that I don't feel it. Why would I think there might be one, then?

Because my mother carried me in her womb, and she knows I am her natural daughter. That means something more often than not, no matter how much people like to try and deny it.