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Please critique my tritina?
THE SUN MOON AND STARS
The fog descended with the rising sun,
After he had hidden away the crazy moon.
Later he also bedded all the stars
Thunder rumbling were the noisy snoring stars.
I have won said the boiling toiling sun.
The day grew weak, then woke the crazy moon.
It is my time, now make way for the moon.
Come out now friends, he called out to the stars.
It’s my time now, so be off you bossy sun.
"Its my time now, make way for the moon
Come out now friends"
I left off the last line actually which says
"There's a time and place for sun moon and stars"
4 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
HH That's FOG not FROG LOL
This is a clever Tritina. One that would make a great childrens story. I can easily see this with picture narration in a book. However, your missing the sentence that combines all three
"So the Sun gave way to the Moon, that played with the Stars"
- Anonymous1 decade ago
It's cute but I can't get the image of the Frog sexing the stars out of my mind. I know you meant something else, but doing Sirrah (in Andromeda,) Froggy-style is a hard accident to let go of.
Otherwise, good job. (Now where is my Wart-Ex?)
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Hello Kate,
Nice Rhythmic, flowing and timely; pun intended.
Keep up the good work.
- Level 7 is BestLv 71 decade ago
You confusingly present "moon" in both third and first person. Pick one.
