What's the etiquette...family relations?

Question

I have an older sister that I am going to visit in a few weeks and I'd like a little advice on how to handle what has been an awkward situation for the past 10 years. 

My sister has four wild kids. She and her husband don't do a particularly good job of disciplining them, especially when it comes to interactions with other people, primarily adults. Her daughters seem to think that people, mainly my husband, are jungle gyms.  They climb, jump, grab and hang all over us. We find their behavior very annoying as well as painful. They often elbow, jab or knee people in the stomach, chest, neck, face or groin. All of her kids run around screaming, throwing toys and interrupting almost constantly. They treat me and my husband like peers as opposed to adults. When either of us (usually me) tries to correct their behavior, or asks them to stop  climbing on us because it hurts, my sister cops an attitude. She usually says something snarky like, "Excuse me but, they HAVE parents" or, to her daughter, "Look, Rylee, you have another Mommy." 

I'm not trying to teach them manners or discipline them excessively; I know that's not my place but, I feel that I should be able to express my feelings about their behaviors towards me and my husband. I will occasionally say something about other misbehaviors but I ALWAYS phrase it like, "Does your Mommy let you do that?" or "What would your Mommy say to you if she were right here?" I am not trying to control these kids or "teach them a lesson," I'd just like a little peace so we can relax and have a pleasant visit.

I am flabbergasted that my sister would treat me this way in front of her kids and doesn't teach them to respect me and my husband as authority figures. She has even asked me to come tell her when her kids do something "wrong" and she will handle it. Then, when I do, she accuses me of "tattling!" I'm 23! I am not going to tattle on an 8 year old. What should I do in this situation? I'm not sure what I can or should say/do to get across to my sister that her kids need to treat me like their friend's parents and not like their playmate. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.  :)

godzillagirl · Accepted Answer

For the record, your sister and her husband are rotten parents. They're not doing their kids any favors by permitting them to behave like that. When your sister says they have parents, ask her why she isn't doing her job.

There is no reason you should have to put up with kids climbing all over you. Tell them to get off you. if you have to, pull them off and put them on the floor. Ask them why they're acting like three year olds.

Before you go, call your sister and tell her you want her kids to stay off of you, and would she please tell her children not to climb on you. Make your visit conditional on the brats' behavior. If it starts up and isn't controlled, leave.

If it was me, I wouldn't go there again. Call and write, yes. Meet for coffee, okay. Go somewhere I'm treated like furniture, no.

And, you've already lost the peers vs. adults issue. Your sister is immature, and her lack of judgment has already damaged her relationship with you. You probably shouldn't expect anything to change until the parents grow up and get a clue.

EC · Answer

Have you spoken directly to your sister? I would tell her what you have told all of us here, that you don't like being climbed on unless you instigate it and that children should not interrupt adults unless it is an emergency. I think you are old enough to judge good and bad behavior and it isn't about undermining your sisters authority it is about keeping her kids in line and respecting you even when your sister isn't in the room. I guess you could choose to stay at a hotel and only visit for a few hours during the day but I guess you either need to learn how to play with the kids or talk to your sister about how you would prefer they not abuse you.

D L · Answer

I would, if  you could, stay at a hotel nearby (and have your sister come to visit you there without the little 'angels'.  I certainly wouldn't visit until the children are a bit more controlled or older. Your sister, it seems, may be a bit overwhelmed with her children. Soon they will be ruling her, if not already. I wouldn't tolerate it, and if your sister doesn't understand, then she or I would send pictures to one another. I have zero tolerance for misbehaved children, and I don't care who they belong to.

Anonymous · Answer

I would stop visiting your sister and when she eventually calls to question this say you aint never going there anymore because you can't stand the site of her horrible kids and that you think your sister is the worst mother that ever lived.

It may not be the best solution but you won't have to put up with horrible sounding sprogs.  I think you'd be better off falling out with your sister and never speaking to her again so that you don't have to deal with her offspring again.

Anonymous · Answer

the first time one of the kids jumps on you tell them to stop if your sister cops an additude tell her it was nice visiting and get up and leave.

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What's the etiquette...family relations?

5 Answers