How would you feel if your daughter.....?

I am an army "wife", but here in Australia you dont have to get married to get the benefits. Because in our laws, if you live together as a defacto (or civil union) couple for a certain amount of time, you get all the benefits (and exclusions) of a married couple the defense force will recognise a co=dependant couple in the same way they recognise a married couple.

While applying for this status, we made a decision that if we werent approved we would just get married legally now. Fortunately we were approved and can do the wedding legal and ceremonial all in one.

You need to think of her courhouse "Wedding" as just a legal thing. They will not be exchanging rings, so they obviously wont be considering themselves married yet in a spiritual way, they are just married in a legal way. Consider it not as a marriage, but a legal document stating they are together.

Being in the military, and with someone in the military, is hard. And no offense, but people who arent either of those things just dont understand the lifestyle. The only way their union will be recognised is if they are married. And its not just in the case of a deployment. What if he were to be injured in a training exercise? What if she were to lose her job and they need assistance from the military? There are so many benefits to being recognised by the military, if they intend on spending their lives together, not getting that legal document just doesnt make sense.

but dont make her give up the dream ceremony. She is already making the sacrifice of supporting one of your countries brave soldiers and accepting this hard life. Let her have this one thing.

I'm not old-fashioned, but I don't like wedding re-dos either. Vow renewals used to be on a milestone anniversary such as 10, 25 or 50, not because the couple had to do a courthouse wedding and still wants the big party. I had to get married at the courthouse for insurance reasons and, yes, sometimes I have regrets when I see pictures of big weddings on Facebook. But it's what I had, that's what we could afford, I have to think forward and focus on the marriage, not live in the past.

If you are as old-fashion as you say, you are probably conservative, and thus you support the troops. Then why would you be opposed in a military wedding? As other people here have said, they have to be legally married for him to take care of her. It is not strange. Many people in the military have been in that situation.

If what you are really opposed to is the legal wedding now / big party 1 year later, you could try to talk her into doing a more simple wedding, right away. There is nothing wrong with having an afternoon ceremony at the courthouse with all the family there to witness it, exchanging simple rings, then cake & champagne in your backyard. She can still wear an actual wedding dress, walk down the aisle with her father (ask the courthouse if you can have music, some allow it), have speeches, cake-cutting, etc. Just don't sweat the details such as embossed paper invites, chair-covers, centerpieces, etc. By making it as simple as possible, you can satisfy your wedding-planning urges, the family will get to see a wedding, and your daughter will be able to marry quick.

Overall this guy seems like a decent man, he wants to take care of her and make sure she's taken care of in his absense. He also actually asked for her hand in marraige which very few guys do these days.

I think you should be happy she found a guy like this.

But, I understand your disappoint of no big formal wedding.

You can have only 1 wedding per spouse (per marriage in the event you get divorced and then marry them again), if they are married "legally" in the courthouse that *is* their wedding. In 2011 when they have their big formal wedding since they are already married, what they will be doing is actually renewing their vows. Some may see this as a "do over" next year and think its tacky if they know they are actually already married, which by the way is public record anyone can find out and some areas post the marriage licenses in the paper - they have no control over it.

Most will genuinely be happy for them though.

Is it possible for them to have a smaller ceremony and reception this year? My brother had a big wedding planned, then his now wife became pregnant, his medical insurance was better than hers (he's a police officer and works for the state) and he didn't want his baby born out of wedlock, so they went from having almost a year to plan a wedding to 2 months to plan a wedding. They had a smaller wedding with just immediate family and very close friends, and a dinner aftwards, no big reception. They still had the wedding dress, tuxes, cake and overall didn't regret getting married the way they did.

There are three parts to a wedding: the legal part (signing the papers, getting rights as a spouse, etc), the religious part if you're religious (being united in the eyes of God), and the personal part (a promise between the couple who is getting married).

By going to the courthouse now, your daughter and future son-in-law are just doing one part of what makes up a wedding. When they have the wedding ceremony and reception later, they'll be doing the personal (and the religious, if they are religious) parts.

I think this is a wise decision on your daughter's part, and I'm sure she can use your support.

I have two questions on this which would help me to determine if I would react in a "I'm OK with it due to the circumstances" or "A do-over wedding is ridiculous & insulting to the guests who are being kept in the dark".

Does your daughter currently have car insurance & medical insurance? If not, I think it is practical that they would want to do this now so she is covered (God forbid something happened to her, medical insurance these days is vital and you can get into alot of trouble for driving around without car insurance). If she currently has her own coverage then I think they should wait and have 1 real wedding.

Does the fiance currently have any information indicating that deployment is imminent? If he does, then I think doing the legal stuff now is again a practical thing to do. If he does not, I think they should wait until he does (you usually get some notice, don't you? and they could run to the courthouse then) or they should wait and have only 1 wedding.

And I have to ask -- why must they stick to the 2011 date? Can't they move the wedding up so that they do it once and do it the way they want the first time?

Are you or the fiance's parents in any position to assist them in having the wedding sooner?

This kind of situation is not at all uncommon among military couples, who often have to work around deployment schedules.If my daughter was marrying someone early for convenience sake but having a wedding later, I wouldn't really mind, as long as wedding plans were definite.

If my daughter was marrying someone in the military, however, I'd be very disappointed. Marrying someone in the military means that the non-military spouse basically has to give up their life for the other person's career. They'll have to move every 2-3 years, she'll be constantly looking for new work (military wives overall earn significantly less than civilian wives), no matter how far she gets in her career she'll ALWAYS have to give it up, their kids will never be able to settle because they'll be moved all the time, and she would functionally be a single mom because her husband is never home. Plus she might have to deal with his mental issues, such as PTSD, which can get dangerous. It's not a life I would want to see my child sign up for.

My youngest has a marine boyfriend and they have been talking about doing this themselves...

While I too am old fashioned and think 'fake' and re-do weddings are rediculous, I can completely understand why a young couple, with one of them in the military, do this.

...and exceptions are always made for our boys & gals in service of our country.

If mine goes through with this, I will suggest they make their dress up ceremony a blessing of the marriage rather than repeating vows.....but who am I to listen to, I am only the 'bride's' mother lol....however NO ONE will be in the dark over exactly what the second ceremony is as I do NOT believe in deception, and I will make that clear to both of them from the get go.

With her fiance in the military, it is understandable and admirable that he wants to be sure she is cared for, if he has to deploy. Sounds like a good catch!

It's also understandable why you would not agree with their decision to go to the JP now and have a fake wedding next year.

I have a daughter of marrying age. If it were me, I would try to move the wedding ahead and get it done the right way, now. I think they will both understand if you sit them down and explain this to them. Be honest about it. They already sound pretty smart.

Good luck, hope it works out.

Well, I would hope to raise my daughter with values so that she understood this type of thing was wrong all on her own. But, even the best raised kids make mistakes. I would try to talk to her about the two weddings, and how you cant really have two weddings, because life doesn't provide do-overs. I'm sure I could find an example in her own life to make this all too clear to her. I would hope she would either choose to have one wedding in the immediate future or one wedding in 2011 and understand she can't have both. There are benefits to her getting married sooner than later so I would respect that. I could not respect her desire to have two weddings. I would be happy to attend the real wedding, I would never attend a fake wedding. Her plans may quickly change when she realizes half her family refuses to participate in the charade.

I would be happy that she was thinking with a good head on her shoulders. it seems like they are taking care of some mportant things, so if he gets deployed then she WILL be taken care of.

He has already assumed the position of her "care-taker" as many husbands would like to and I would feel good knowing he thought enough of my daughter to do that for her.

It may be very different for me than it is for you because I dont have the same old fashioned beliefs as you may, I have known a few ppl getting married by justice of the peace instead of a big church ceremony... but what it really comes down to is the husband and wife to be, it is their day(s) and their ceremony to do with as they wish. Hopefully the rest of your family will come around to being okay with the idea.... I dont know how your family is, but they stand a chance of finding out the truth, so its up to you if you want them to know that you knew all along.

I think the fact that they will still have a ceremony later on is sweet, they may be doing it mostly to make you happy, or maybe they dont want to miss out on tha experience. Either way, please dont make her sad for doing it her way, it will only cause more stress later on down the road. Everyone is entitled to their opinions... Especialy mothers! :) but this is her life and I think she should do with it what she will.