Children in wealthy families: learning the value of money & work ethic?

You teach your children how to treat other people by how you treat them. If you deny just for the sake of denying with the excuse that giving them anything is "spoiling them," then don't be surprised when they start refusing to share just because they can refuse. Don't be surprised when you hear second hand reports of the child, when away from you, shoving other children to get his share of something being dispensed, or bullying to get more than his share when he can get away with it.

When people (and I firmly believe that it applies to people of all ages, not just children) are spoiled, it has less to do with money and material possession than it does with attitude. In fact, I don't think money or stuff has anything to do with whether or not a person can be spoiled or not. Filthy rich people can be spoiled, and dirt poor people can be spoiled. Filthy rich people can be humble and down to earth, as can dirt poor people. Spoiled, to me, is a person who carries a false air of superiority, an unearned sense of entitlement, who is causally cruel and is careless with other peoples' feelings and possessions and needs, and who does not understand or care how their actions affect others. It's not what they're given or not. It's how they are taught to see themselves and others and whether or not they have empathy. When a poor man steals a television, people almost sympathize with him. They'll say, "Well, no wonder he steals, he hasn't got anything." But when a rich person steals, like Bernie Madoff, the same people say in disgust, "Well, no wonder he steals. He's got all that money and stuff and it's spoiled him." Bernie Madoff and Bernardo the petty thief from the projects are no different. Their financial situation has nothing to do with it. They do it because they feel that they are above the law and above common decency, and because they do not care how their actions affect others as long as they get what they want. That attitude comes from lack of being taught consideration and lack of security, and lack of having that valued and modeled in their home towards them and towards others when they were growing up. Not whether they drove a new Bentley or a broken down Corolla.

I am considerate and generous to my children and to others because I want my children to be considerate and generous with their affection, their time, their knowledge, and their material resources. I could easily snap, "NO! You're 6 years old, you come up with the money yourself!" or "you got to pick dinner last month you spoiled brat," when my kids ask perfectly nicely for something that is within my means or capability and that I would ordinarily be okay with them having by other means (IE it's not objectionable on other grounds), and then turn around and buy stuff for myself or choose what I wanted without considering them. I could brush them aside when they asked me questions about something I understood, rather than take the time to explain it, because I just didn't want to be bothered to think or explain. I could tell them to leave me alone when they want my time and say, "What about my ME time?" But that would hardly be teaching my children kindness and generosity. It would be teaching them that stinginess and ignoring the needs and feelings of others is okay long as you're bigger and more powerful and have what you want. It would be spoiled of me.

Every case is different, but: Generally, children brought up in poor families develop different coping skills. Using money to make problems go away is not an option, so they are forced to be more creative and adaptable. For children born to poor families, society places less pressure on them to succeed. By placing minimal expectations on these children, it gives them a wide latitude of opportunities to exceed these expectations, and there is no consequence from a societal expectation perspective for not succeeding. On the other hand, children born to wealthy parents are expected to get good jobs, maintain or grow the family wealth and societal pressure to succeed is higher on these children. The greater the wealth of the family, the higher the pressure on the children. The consequences of failure are wide ranging and include being branded a failure by their family and peers, personal feelings of self loathing and in some extreme cases, suicide attempts. I each case, the children will have experiences and challenges that children from the other group would not have thought of, or have been prepared to face.. In the final analysis, it depends on the child's parents, and how well they have prepared their children to cope with the stresses of life.

I think you need a happy balance. If the parents can afford nice things then there is nothing wrong with them buying those things for their children. I think the majority of people who are wealthy have a good work ethic and are good at managing money. All children leave home eventually, very few land on their feet and more often than not young people live beyond their means. Eventually the family values come to the surface as the person matures. I have seen a lot of wealthy children lavished with everything but attention to compensate and that makes me sad.

I disagree. I'm spoiled, and I'll admit it - and I have been my whole life. I've gotten a car for my birthday, and my family vacations out of the country twice a year. At the same time, I appreciate everything I've got and I work hard, have my own job and am attending university. I'm definitely not lazy, unmotivated or unambitious.

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I agree with you. It's hard to motivate kids if their parents provide everything they want for them. We saw this when we lived in an affluent area in suburban Dallas. Ten-year-olds were having birthday parties with 100 guests their own age, parties where their parents rented out a play facility or miniature golf course for their child. They were getting limousine rides to Six Flags with a carful of friends while they were still in grade school. Parents were attempting to outdo one another in providing birthday extravaganzas for their kids. But if a child is getting limo rides at the age of ten, what are they going to do for excitement at the age of fifteen? What will be new and exciting to them when they've already had so much at such a young age? The answer is that by adolescence, they're turning to drinking, drugs, sex and driving too fast for excitement. They're getting depressed about their own ability to continue such a lavish lifestyle on their own. Our community had a serious drug and drinking problem and a serious suicide problem. We chose not to spoil our kids -- they shared the family computer, shared the one TV that we had (yes, we all had to learn to compromise), put a lid on spending at Christmas and birthdays and didn't buy a lot for our kids at other times. They've turned out well, manage their money responsibly and have avoided the problems that many spoiled kids have.

sorry I can't read the whole thing but it basically comes down to this

if you need it (clothing/food) you got it!

If you want it (candy, sweets, toys, video games/gadgets) you can have some of it if you are good or willing to work for it (I made my oldest collect cans to get a Nintendo Wii not because I could not afford it but because I felt he should work for it)

If I think my kids can learn from it (like a horse, or large pet) I will usually buy it for them.

I disagree. I do not think it's the act of giving the gifts that develops work ethics, it's what the parent instills in to their child.

Some parents spoil their children rotten to the very core. They throw money and gifts at them and the child has more than they need or use and the child also does not usually care for their items and it gets damaged and broken and forgotten. They are never taught to appreciate what they have or why they have it or where it comes from. The child is never made to lift a finger to clean or do anything for themselves except wipe their own butt maybe, never teaching them to work for things. They break their things being careless because they know mommy will just buy them another. And these kids grow up to think everything is handed to them. They spend money they don't have because they think it grows on trees. They think everyone owes them something and they never appreciate what they have. They have never learned the value of working for what you have and appreciating what you have BECAUSE you worked hard for it.

Now, the second scenario... The child that was given the Bentley as a grad gift has a 4.0 GPA and a full scholarship to college. They got the Bentley as a reward for years of hard work. This child was given extravagant gifts, but they were also taught to work for it and to appreciate it and care for it. They spent their childhood doing their chores, getting good grades, staying out of trouble and working hard for their future. And they were rewarded. Obviously a family that will buy their child a Bentley has money, and you can't take that money to the grave. You have the money to buy your child expensive things, but you also teach your child the value of the expensive things and teach them nothing is free and hard work pays off.

Which child do you think will appreciate their Bentley and make the money to maintain it?

I am from a very wealthy family and I take nothing for granted. My husband is from a very wealthy family and he takes EVERYTHING for granted. He was the child that did nothing and was given everything. I was the child that was taught to work for what you have and to care for it because you worked hard for it.

And it shows in our adult life. We are opposites when it comes to working hard and appreciating what you have. He treats his belongings like junk, I appreciate what I have and re-home it if I do not need it. I have a savings account that I had been contributing to since age 16. By the time I was 23 I had enough for a down payment on a house in it, every cent I worked for. (But that money has all gone to me being a SAHM). He has not saved a cent. I was on my own at 18 and do everything for myself. He still needs me to hold his hand at everything. It's annoying. He can't even so much as make his own phone calls at times.

It is near impossible to undo any damage done to a person as a child. It becomes a part of who they are. Just like what life lessons you teach your child will be with them forever.

Another thing, I grew up with my parents driving Mercedes and Acura and owning more than one car. I have no desire for a luxury car. I am quite happy with and take great pride in my Subaru because I worked for it and it's mine and it serves it's purpose. And I am very generous with what I have, he is VERY greedy. He started a HUGE argument with me the other day because I made his own son a sandwich out of TWO pieces of bread he bought, I am not even kidding. Yet he has no problem taking and taking from me and using my things and eating my food.

It is not the act of gift giving, no matter how absurd the gifts might be... It is what you instill in your child that will define what they become. We were raised very differently and are two very different people. My parents had money but did not throw it at me and were VERY strict. His parents threw money and gifts at him and never raised a hand or their voice to him and never made him do anything for himself.

And THAT is what shows, not the fact that we both got expensive gifts but the parenting.