This day is going on slowly. Anybody got any good jokes?

After Jeff retired from his job in the city, he decided that he wanted to live somewhere that he could get in touch with nature. Montana seemed like a good place to him, because the human population is not very dense. So he bought a house out in the middle of nowhere. About six months went by and he hadn't had any human contact, except for in the nearest town, which was two hours away.

Lonely, sexually frustrated, and bored his mind began to slip. One day, to his relief, there was a knock on his door. He opened it up and saw a tall man that looked close to his age.

JeffHello, how can I help you? VisitorMy name is Paul, I live about a half an hour east of you. I just noticed that you live here when I passed by, on my way to town. JeffIt's really nice to meet you Paul, I thought I was all alone out here. PaulHey, you want to come to my birthday party this weekend, it's gonna be a blast. JeffWell, whats going on at this party? PaulWell there's gonna be some drinkin. JeffI'm always down for gettin wasted. PaulOh yeah, well there will probably be some fightin. JeffI'm actually pretty non-violent, but I can hold my own.

I'll just relax and have a good time.

PaulOk. Well there will probably be some f**kin too. JeffI havent laid anyone for years, I'm there. By the way, who's all going to be attending this party? PaulOh, it's just gonna be you and me.

-x-

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey.

One day he wins the lottery and gets 50, 000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey. "Anywhere I go, she goes.

" "I'm sorry, sir, " said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor.

The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was. ''Great!'' replied Bozo.

''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks. ''One thousand dollars for the food.'' ''But I haven't touched the food." ''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV." ''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!'' ''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed." ''But I slept on the floor!'' ''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars.

" ''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.

'' ''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.'' ''It was there. You should have!!!.''

---

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman...!"

This was submitted by Lemonpillow and she should getthe points....

JOKE: BP has found a way to stop the oil leak!?

Scientist have found a way to stop the oil leak. They are going to place a wedding ring on it and then it will stop putting out. :-)

ok...there' a girl riding her bike when a police man comes up on a horse and asks her if she got it from santa, she says yes.the police man then hands her a ticket and tells her to give it to her dad because a reflector is missing on the back.the girl says ok...she then asks if the police man got the horse from santa...in a thats cute tone he answers yes.The little girl then says to tell him to tell santa that he messed up on the horse...the d***s usually on the bottom of the horse, not the top

What Cheese Isn't yours? Nacho Cheese