Should I force my 13 year old son to go on access visits to his father's house? There is no abuse happening?

I think you probably should. He is his dad and both of them need to keep their relationship alive at this pivotal moment, no matter how strained. It will get better, and letting him get his way will only wreck their chances of reconciliation, drive a wedge and distance between them, and let your husband off lightly.

Kids are resilient and I think they need time to settle to the new arrangement. I don't want to cast aspersions on your kid, but I have seen other ones in similar situations play both parents off against the other and overemphasize their position due to the emotional conflicts of the situation.

There might be a lot of resentment that "dad has a new gf" and is neglecting them and spends no money on them. They also complain about their parents as standard.

I think you should put your foot down and have words with both of them.

Well done for not saying it in front of them that he is a douche, I have no doubt that he is, though it doesn;t mean there is no truth in the statement. These things are never all one sided.

Take the moral high ground. Things will get better.

EDIT: lol, that's not tawdry. I'll tell you what's tawdry... I slept with my brother's best man after his wedding. I was engaged at the time and my brother is a total homophobe who my bf been lying to for 15 years.

Oh Eartha, he sounds like real @ss your ex, I hope you don't mind me saying.

If that's the response you got after trying to speak with him in a sensible, adult manner... then I don't see why you should force your son to visit him.

I'm sure your ex cares about those kids, I can't imagine any father being that heartless or callous so as to not care! And to deny him access would be cruel!

However, this man needs to understand that it's not ok to neglect and hurt his children. Your kids' needs should come before his! Unless he mends his ways, you have every right to keep your son away from something which causes him so much distress and grief. And forcing your son to visit him will only deteriorate what relationship he has with his father, so defeats the whole purpose anyway.

If all that is really going on, don't make him go. Any communication you have with him should be through email so you have a record of it, (in case he's a jerk to you) and keep any texts and what not. If Daddy wants to try to force his son to visit and take it to court, you'll have these records to prove how mean he is. I think your child might be old enough to decide he doesn't want to go. It varies state to state but if your ex has that kind of temper you might not be required to make your son see him. Also, if he's that mean, there's no way I'd make my kids spend time with him. As the mother you have the right to protect your child. Abuse can be psychological too and too much exposure to things like that might have an impact on your son that you might not even notice until he's older or even a parent himself.

Unfortunately, things being as they are, if you don't send him to his dad's, chances are there will be hell to pay (if the Ex sees it as an attempt to get more Child Support, or as spiting him). The Ex might claim alienation of affection against you. You can't just decide not to send him.

You may be able to reach a mutually agreeable compromise with the Ex, if he's really "too busy" to give them quality time. Put it to him in a way that it seems a good idea for him, if you can.

Failing that, a court ordered/mediated change to visitation may be the only alternative. Perhaps a professional speaking on the way it affects your son, may help sway the courts.

Sorry, but just not sending him may go against you, should push come to shove. Just how amicable (or not) was the separation? That might give you some indication what you might be up against.

"He says he is miserable when he is there and feels unwanted". There's you're answer. Why would anyone want to be somewhere like that? Quit forcing him to go to his father's house if he doesn't want to go. Once he hasn't visited for a while, your ex might wake up and realize there's more to life than his new girlfriend.

I would suggest talking to his father about all of this and seeing what he says and if you two can come to an agreement.

If that does not work and things don't get better then I think your son is old enough to choose whether he wants to see his father, if he doesn't want to go I see no reason to force him.

Too late for him not to have formed an opinion for his dad.I know you deserve a little space also

and the kids do have a dad that should be good to them

and share in their upbringing maybe giving you a few days off knowimg they will be in good hands. Unfortunately he doesnt enjoy being with him

and is suffering.

. I would never ever force him to go . His age now he needs 100 per cent uplifting his self esteem

and not belitteling him. He needs that in his home where he is suppose to be loved

whether you 2 are together or differnt households. The outside world is bad enough but to have your own dad treat you miserably is not a good scenerio.

You are the only decent parent here. He may love the children but has a poor way of showing it and rather be with that low class" friend"(Wont last) His guilt will surely overpower him one day when it is too late.

All i can say

is that you are the winner here because you the one who got the respect of your children.He has absolutely nothing but a rope around his neck with a worthless woman

If what they said is an actual representation of what is going on during these visits, then no, you shouldn't force them.

After seeing your added details, I have to agree with your son; the environment there seems toxic. Of course your ex isn't going to admit he's a lousy father and could care less about the quality of the visits, that is to be expected regardless. But for him to rail against the kids like that with you, it seems he is more interested in how he comes off as the bad guy than in digesting any of the feedback his children have provided, however harsh.

When my brother and I were younger, we would spend summers with my father in Connecticut. Often times things there were boring, and we didn't have the greatest of fun. But that was because my father wasn't used to having children around; it wasn't out of disdain or lack of interest, and we were always well looked after. He never tried to garner info about our mother, never sought to put us in the middle of what ever issues they had. Even to this day, I'm not aware of them ever having argued, all discussion was done in private. Your ex needs to grow up and learn that his kids aren't annoyances to be kept at arm's length.

Anyways, forcing your kids to spend quality time with daddy when daddy isn't interested is only going to breed resentment; against him, for being a dick, and against you, for not heeding their complaints. If you've tried talking to him already, and nothing seems to change, let it go.

Tell you ex that your son thinks he's a cvnt and that Scuzzy agrees.

Don't actually do that, but do tell him how your son feels around him.

If your ex doesn't change and your son doesn't want to go don't make him. Instead of your son going for the weekend have him go for dinner or have your ex take him somewhere for the day.

Tough one.

Sadly I think you have an obligation to continue the visits.

They will form their own opinions in time and probably already have.

There will come a time in the not very distant future when a 13 year old will lash back at this treatment.

Its part of growing up. Its sad and hard to deal with from your perspective for sure.

But I think you have to do it.

Your Ex sounds like a real prize.