Who is financially responsible?

You write: I don't think it's fair to ask the custodial parent to pay $1000 to have her child in a wedding she's not invited to.

And I agree. It is totally unfair to ask an ex-in-law to pay for the airline ticket.

Honestly? This problem should have been considered before child was asked to participate.

I think if bride and groom want the child to be present, then bride and groom need to pay for the airfare. Perhaps the non-custodial parent can also contribute?

The custodial parent (ex-in-law) should not be responsible for child's travel expenses.

The legal designation of the parents and their arrangement for custody is none of your concern. You invited the father and his child. It's the father's responsibility to get the child to the wedding, as well as to house, monitor, and feed the child while the child is at the wedding location. It's also the father's responsibility to work with his ex-wife to get physical custody of the child for that weekend.

If the father cannot get his child to the wedding, then the child does not come to the wedding. The couple can be nice and offer to cover the cost/some of the cost (particularly if they know the the cost is a hardship to the father), but that's above-and-beyond what is expected.

Regardless, the uninvited parent should not pay to send the child to the wedding.

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Edit: after the information that the child was asked before the non-custodial parent was notified - that's rude. The bride and groom should have asked the non-custodial parent for permission, who would then ask the custodial parent for permission. The non-custodial parent would then inform the couple that it is acceptable, and the couple would ask the child.

That is standard protocol, but doesn't change the decision regarding who should pay. The non-custodial parent (you) are responsible to pay.

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Edit 2: With the new information that the non-custodial parent may not attend:

Did you just find out that your child was invited to the wedding? It should have been on your invitation/RSVP. If you RSVP'd "yes", you need to attend as the couple has likely already spent a considerable amount of non-refundable money on you (well over $1000 at my wedding).

I get that you're trying to find some way to not pay for your daughter's flight, but you're the parent, you're on the hook. Kids cost money. It would look extremely bad for you to ask the bride and groom for a handout.

Since the custodial parent agreed without discussing any of this, it's the custodial parent's obligation to ship her daughter off to be in someone else's wedding.

The custodial parent should have consulted the non-custodial parent who would be responsible for the child before agreeing to anything if the non-custodial parent would be willing to split the costs. Since she didn't consult the non-custodial parent, then the logical conclusion is that she entered into an agreement herself for which she is solely responsible.

HOWEVER, did you, the non-custodial parent, assume that your daughter would be at the wedding anyway, or did you believe that you would be attending alone? If it was assumed from the beginning that your daughter would be there, regardless of the bridal party appointment, then you should split the cost with your ex.

If neither you nor your ex can easily afford to fly the child to the wedding, then the invitation to be in the wedding should be declined on her behalf. If the bride & groom want the girl in the wedding badly enough, they will help pay.

PS... With divorced parents, excessive tit-for-tat accounting is rarely productive. Your romantic relationship is over, but you're still working in cooperation to raise a child. Who was right and who was wrong doesn't matter anymore. You were supposed to be a team when you are married, but even though you're not married anymore, you STILL must try to be a team for the sake of your daughter.

ETA: Given your last piece of information that you just added... I think the parents should decline the invitation altogether, UNLESS the bride & groom are willing to pay for everything. No one should kowtow to inconsiderate brides.

My first thought in this case is that the non-custodial parent, who is related to the bride & groom, would take the charge as it would be seen as an event involving the non-custodial parent's family, HOWEVER if the child won't be travelling to the non-custodial parent then arriving at the wedding with that parent I can see how the bride & groom might be asked to pony up the money.

Its a real sticky situation, but it needs to be addresses ASAP so it can be decided if the child will be going to the wedding or not.

From my personal standpoint and the standpoint of my family and cultural background, yes the people throwing the wedding should pay for the accommodations for the child. In general, in my culture, those hosting the wedding pay for everything anyway, but I think even from an American or modern day standpoint, expecting the parents to pay for their child to go to a wedding they were not invited to is ridiculous and a bit rude, especially since the cost is significant. If the wedding hosts still don't wish to pay then perhaps they do not really want the child in the wedding that badly, but, I would assume anyone asking a child to be in a wedding where the parents are not invited would also understand that there are costs that go along with it.

I think this situation is more drama than it needs to be.

As a parent, there is no way I’d allow my child to go off to a wedding I wasn’t invited to be at. Especially if the child is under 18. I most certainly wouldn’t pay for airfare, accommodations, meals and other expenses. Not to mention, who is going to be looking out for and caring for the child?

If the custodial parent wasn’t asked permission, this is all a moot point. Ultimately, it’s up to them whether or not the child is in or at the wedding.

If the bride and groom want the custodial parent to give up time with their child, the happy couple needs to step-up and foot the bill.

But as a parent, there is no way in heck I’d go for this.

It is wrong of the couple not inviting the custodial parent. Rude, rude, rude. Minors need a guardian/parent to take care of the child. Who is going to watch after her well being?

This is wrong in all levels. DECLINE the commitment on the basis that you are not going to abandon your child for a wedding and place her in the hands of strangers. HELL NO!

The correct thing to do is to invite both mother and child and the mother of child if accepting the honor, should pay for the tickets. If the mother cannot afford it and if they want her so badly, then the couple pays for BOTH tickets or at least help. If neither is able to afford it, then the invitation is declined.

Good luck

Its an unusual circumstance and should be addressed by the bride and groom. If it is really that important to have the youngster in the wedding because she would be hurt otherwise then perhaps several family members could chip in to pay for the plane ticket. But does this really matter to the child or is it more for the bride and groom? If this is something the couple is pushing for then of course, they would need to foot the bill.

Who ever asked the young child to be in the wedding should spot the ticket. If you can't at least pay for some of the ticket then don't invite the young child. Find someone that is able to pay their own way or that can "foot" the bill.

Good luck!

I have a minor in my wedding, her custodial parent is my cousin, however she has MS and is on social security disability therefore she does not have the funding, because she doesn't have the funding and I didn't want to have her to have to beg her dad. I am paying for her attire, hair, nails, accessories myself and still getting her a gift.

I'm not having a destination wedding, but if I was I would pay for her plane ticket myself too, or just add her expenses on to my own, if her parent whom I was either related to or friends with I knew could not afford it before I asked, who had custody wouldn't be a factor for me. Obviously being a minor she doesn't have the funding to do it herself.

In your case, it seems that the bride or groom is related to the non-custodial parent, I think they should have asked them to pay for this girls trip if they were not planning to do it.

However, speaking to just who is financially responsible, it varies on culture.

In North America, (USA and Canada) its customary that each member of the bridal party pays for their own attire, and for children in the wedding party their parents are. For divorced parents, it would seem logical to me that the parent whose side is the one wanting them to be in the wedding should pay for their attire, it shouldn't matter who has physical custody or who is custodial or non-custodial.

In other cultures such as the UK (England, Wales, Ireland, and Scotland) the bride and groom pays for everyones attire.