Inlaws meddling with kids?

Question

My wife's family has always been very close (too close - family gatherings two or three times a week forever, not much else in terms of socializing). My sister-in-law is not married, has no social life outside the family gatherings, and has made it clear she doesn't like me. In this clutchingly close family, I was in the category of a DNA donor only, and was allowed in the front door only if I didn't overstep my bounds - like participating in decisions affecting our children. For the first 20 years of our marriage, my wife was part of the committee, and I just went along.

As we aged and matured, and our kids, my wife decided maybe I wasn't such a bad guy after all, and suddenly, after decades, our marriage blossomed. We're closer than we've ever been, we enjoy each others company, started doing lots of things together.

A sidenote, there have been three times in the past ten years my wife, me, and our three children have done ANYTHING together, just us, without the extended family being involved. Even family dinner, etc. Yes, it's that deeply ingrained.

When our marriage turned for the better, my wife's sister doubled down on her nasty side, which is the side you see most. She isn't married, has no children, and has no social life of her own.

Leaving out lots of ugly details, my sister-in-law recruited her mother, other sister and her husband, into a war party where my wife and I are horrible, awful creatures, and our children need to be protected from us. They won't speak to us, but they take our kids and run around, do what they can to brainwash them, give them deceiptful stories to tell us about where they've been, and in general do whatever they can to make poison rain down on our home. Our kids were rocked when this first started, largely because we'd kept quiet about the family conflicts but the in-laws got a several-month head start telling the kids all about all the problems and who to blame.

The kids have figured it out, but it's still stressful for them.

We've discussed cutting off all contact, and that's still on the table. We just think it's best for the kids to figure it out themselves rather than making us look like the bad guys, which is the goal of the inlaws.

As soon as my oldest turned 18, yup, she moves in with her Aunt.

It's ugly. I don't know what else to do but hate their guts for raining poison down on our home. It's based in jealousy, and I don't know any way to make them not jealous since they're all losers.

Sister in law hasn't spoken to me in two years, hasn't spoken to my wife for a year. The mom doesn't speak to us either, nor the other sister or her husband. We're left trying to extract the smears from our kids so we can deal with them. Any legal suggestions?

mammy51355 · Accepted Answer

I feel bad for you,your wife,and for your children and can't believe that any parent/grandparent could be so vendictive that they would ruin the lives of her daughters' family,by lying to her grandchildren,and smearing her familys'reputation.If it were happening to my family,I would confront her and who ever she has helping her,face to face,tell them that your aware of what they have been doing,and aren't even going to ask why,as they would only lie to you any way,but that your here to see that it stops.Let them know that,since they have chosen to use your children as pawns,and fill there heads with lies about the parents who love them,you feel it's in the best intrest of the children,to have no further contact with them,and you will go as far as making this a court order,should they decide to go against your wishes.Explain that most states do not recognize "grandparents rights",and you have enough reasons for a judge to rule in your favor anyway.Although they were once considered a big part of your lives,the poison they infested your home with through thier own actions,has done it's job,and now you are taking your family away from having any contact with them,that they are no longer welcome in your home or lives.Before you do have this last confrontation with them,talk to your wife,and be absolutly sure you are in agreement about this,and she has no regrets,When you go to have this final confrontation,go as a couple,(not a good thing for the kids to have to see) and stand strong,letting them see that your not allowing them to come between you,tell them your decision, and leave,letting them know there is no longer any discussion to be had.It is so horrible to have to be put in that position,and it's going to hurt but,you have to think of what is best for your family,and it seems you have.You will be in my thoughts and prayers,and I hope that all is well for you in the future,God bless you.your new friend,Nancy

condosgirl · Answer

If you can't talk to the inlaws and get them to stop their campaign of hatred against you, then I would definitely just cut off contact.  Depending on how old your other children are, you should probably talk to them about what is going on so they don't think you're just being mean.  I don't think I would have waited as long as you have to take this step.  As far as legal steps, I don't think you could really do anything unless they posed some sort of physical threat which would warrant a restraining order.  You have legal and physical custoday of the kids so you have the authority to make the decisions as to who they can see or not see.  It's sad that your oldest has already taken sides against you.  Maybe you can have a long talk with her and sort some things out so that she understands your point of view.

bejay · Answer

I'm afraid that your daughter being 18, is now considered a grown woman and is of legal age to make all the mistakes on her own and be responsible for her own actions. And you are so right about them figuring it out for themselves. And it may take some time. Stay far enough out of the picture to where you can keep an eye out so your daughter doesn't do something she may regret for the rest of her life. But most of all let her know that you will be there for her. Any meddling now will only cause more distance.

Antst · Answer

I'm sorry that this is happening; it must be horrible to feel like you are losing your kids.

I hope you are ready to hear an honest evaluation of this situation...

First of all, of course you should cut off contact with these people.  If they are so nasty and poisonous, I don't understand why you didn't do this years ago!  At this point, your sister-in-law is not speaking to either you or your wife, so why even bother with her?  I don't get it...  

Second, your in-laws sound awful, but you need to take responsibility here.  It seems like you have sat back and let yourself and your family be manipulated by your in-laws.  Why on Earth didn't you stand up to them?  You can't blame your in-laws that you did not participate in decisions regarding your kids.  If you sat back and let other people raise your kids, then you can blame no one but yourself.  You also can't blame your in-laws that things were so bad between you and your wife for so long.  Your wife chose to side with them and you chose to stay with your wife.  Again, you need to take responsibility for your actions and decisions.  

If your daughter has chosen to go and stay with your in-laws, then there must be something wrong at your home.  Because if things were OK at your home, she would not have left.  Again, your in-laws might be horrible people, but you cannot blame them for problems in YOUR family.  Sure, the in-laws might be making things worse by telling your daughter bad things about you, but your daughter wouldn't have left your home and she wouldn't believe the in-laws unless there was something wrong in your family.

My advice is, send your daughter a letter and tell her that she can come home whenever she likes.  Say that you do not get along with the in-laws, so you won't be visiting.  Then have no more contact with these awful people.  And fix your family problems at home so the other kids won't want to leave.  You need to grow up and take responsibility like an adult rather than blaming others for your bad choices.  Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

*****
Reply:

Well, on one hand, I think you're right about letting the kids see the situation for themselves.  On the other hand, you've been dealing with this for YEARS.  Isn't it time to say enough?  

If you don't say anything to the kids, who is to say that they won't spend the next 20 years being messed with by your in-laws, like you did?  I'm not saying, forbid them from seeing the in-laws.  I'm saying, as calmly and quietly as possible, disengage yourself from the in-laws.  Tell the kids that you won't be taking them to see the in-laws as much because they have problems with you.  Say that the kids can continue seeing them if they like.  Tell your wife that you have tried with her family, and you're not ready to keep doing that.

The bottom line is that your method of dealing with these people has not worked.  So maybe it is time to try being a little harder with them.  And to talk to your wife about how the in-laws make you feel.

kpopp · Answer

Are you married to your wife's family? You're not? So why do you see them. You do not have the guts to keep them out of your lives? Too bad. You are hurting your own family. Take a stand and break off the relationship. It should have been done years ago.

Dharmendra P · Answer

My in-laws are same, I am sure if you inquire their status in society it will be zero, with no social status. consult her relatives, marriage counselor and then decide how to deal with them. I bet you people like this no matter what will never ever change. I really doubt your wife will understand and will be fair with you. she is brainwashed. but do talk to her relatives. good luck.

Anonymous · Answer

Honestly, you and wife your wife need to break away from her over bearing family. Who gives a damn what they really think of you, since they are being mean just because they can.

What do you mean legel suggestions? What are you trying to do?

? · Answer

You tell your important different to deal with HIS (or HER) determine. it incredibly is not truthful for you to ought to "cope with" meddling in rules. it is going to purely reason resentment. in the event that they meddle that a lot, your husband desires to stand as much as his mum and dad.

Anonymous · Answer

Move away.

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Inlaws meddling with kids?

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