Feeling low today. Who's got some funny questions or jokes?

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Mr Bean meets Kajagoogoo and he tells them he likes the last two syllables googoo because he says he one too.

What about Mr Kipling he made some cup cakes and top of the cakes he put some icing and a model of Elton John on his piano. Mr Kipling meets Elton John then he eats him.

I need a cup of tea but lots so I will need to carry them in a teabag.

Has anyone been 10 months or more pregnant. A giant lady.

I saw a huge man covered in green slime, he was the Green Giant.

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?

Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

"This birthday cake certainly is crunchy."

"Maybe you should spit out the plate!

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.

I got a leaflet through my letter box earlier, it said"YOU TOO CAN HAVE SEX AT 75"

I thought great I live at 67 so it's not far to walk.

what do you call a rooster made out of stone? a hard ****

what do a coffin and a condom have in common? they both have stiffies but one's coming and the other's gone

i'm not saying we have to disagree on everything but if you look in my eyes and tell me to my face that some of those apprentice models were tacky as hell i will get up and walk off this view.[whos with me]

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?

A: A fund raiser.