Choose Mom or Wife for Christmas?

Question

I have a very complicated problem and need your opinions on what to do. Unfortunately both my mother and wife are contending for me to spend Christmas with them and the circumstances surrounding this decision are far from normal.

My wife and I have been separated for almost four months for many reasons. We were having marital problems related to the fact that she is from another country, a different culture, and was here as a student. We had little time for each other as we both worked and went to school, had financial troubles, she did not drive and she was heavily dependent on me because her social world was thousands of miles away. We were married last year after being together for more than 2 years. We applied for residency, but the post office failed to deliver an important letter and our petition was consequently denied. We tried everything, even going so far as to contact our disinterested Congressmen and writing a letter to the president, but to no avail. My wife is now back in her home country, and we had planned to take 6 months off to decide what we would do next and to save up enough money in the event we did decide to come back together. 

I am joining the military, but my wife wants to pursue a graduate degree and fears what might happen if she is the wife of a soldier. She also doesn't know if she wants to live in the US for the rest of her life. She loves her country, and did not have a very good experience in the USA. We had some legal issues just before she left, and we were also in marriage counseling which helped at times, and made things worse other times. All in all, our marriage was not doing well at all, in fact I found it to be abusive. We both love each other, but we fight quite a bit. If we didn't love each other, I am sure we would have just gone our separate ways a long time ago. 

I am an only child, and my father died on active duty when I was a child. My mother and I were always very close, and I was always afraid of losing her after my father's death. My step father was cold to me during my childhood, so all I had was my mother. No siblings, no other close family nearby, just my friends and my mother to show me love and support. 

When my wife and I met, we agreed to alternate Christmas between her family and mine. This year we were supposed to travel to her country to be with her family for Christmas. She is there right now, and I am in the US. Our six month separation ends in January, but she and her family really want me to spend Christmas with them. 

On the other hand, my mother has been jobless for over 18 months, her unemployment ends in November, she divorced my stepfather, and is living alone in a new town hoping to find a job with only 1 cousin living an hour away. When I told her that I was planning to go see my wife in her country, my mother broke down and wept like a child over the phone. She manipulatively reminded me that my wife and I were having problems, that I was foolish for even considering going back to her, and how could I even consider spending Christmas with my wife who has treated me so badly instead of with my mother who gave me everything. 

Either way, I feel the decision I will make will not be my own. I will either choose to be with my mother for her sake, or my wife for her sake. Under normal circumstances I would choose to be with my wife despite what my mother said or did since I believe that a man's wife should come first. But, under these circumstances, with my mother being alone, my wife having her family, friends, and home, my mother being in a terrible situation, and my wife and I having so many difficulties, I really don't know what to do. 

Any advice and opinions will be much appreciated. Thanks.

Take it or leave it! · Accepted Answer

You are seperated now so whatever plans you had for the holidays no longer stand. Go visit your mother and let her go visit her family.

Anonymous · Answer

not sure about your money but offer to bring your mom with. that's my first suggestion
my 2nd one 
tell them both to kiss it your going to vagas. 
Frankly i dont think it will work out between your wife. i mean all these issues and it's been a year almost 2 years of marriage. WOW rocky rocky rocky start. 
Your mother is manipulative and lonely she needs hard love and maybe make a friend or two. 

i aslo think if your wife loves you as much as you love each other she would understand you being home with your mom. frankly i would understand that. she is with her family so she don't see it like you do. 

I grew up with out a dad with my mom. like u i'm an only child. 
My biggest worry when finding my guy. was would he accept her as well. She is a carring sap. hardly shows interest in my life and i feel she is depressed with no goals just loveing the stand still life. Now that i'm older I can see this. but I still love her with all my heart and would do anything for her. she was sad when she found out that she was now #2 in my life. Hopefully soon to be #3 if i can have a baby. 
anyway. sounds to me both girls mom and wife need to see what your worth. 
 
If i may What do YOU want to do. key word WANT if no guilt trips were placed and everything was fine What would be the one you WANT...

? · Answer

Simple answer:  Be with your wife, it was already planned that you would spend this xmas with her.


Longer answer:  I understand your mom is hurting but she is being selfish & manipulating you & interfering in your marriage where she has no business being just so she can have her selfish way.  IAs a mother you want what is best for your child.  She should be putting you first b4 her own needs.  She has a cousin she can spend xmas with so she won't be alone.  

If you want to any chance of working things out with your wife then you need to go be with her for xmas.  This may be what you need to patch things up.  

My own concern is that she is thinking of not coming bk to the US & so your marriage would be over any way.  If that is the case, then what is the point in going for xmas?  Perhaps she is only saying that bc things are so bad but if you two could stop fighting so much, she would reconsider that.

Michelle · Answer

i think you should spend your holiday with your mother.  you only have 1 mom,whom im sure stuck by you even if you were in the wrong.  and being alone on the holidays is never really a good idea. she probably is really gonna need you more than ever now.  your wife, on the other hand, is already with her family, in her own home town.  just remember, ex's are called ex's for a reason.  sounds like you might be better friends than lovers.   deal with mom first...... your wife should understand.  if she really loves you & wants to work things out, that should be  o.k. with her.            most importantly,...it should be totally what YOU feel you need to do !!

Stacie T · Answer

I vote for Mom.  Your wife has her own support system in her country and your mother has none here.  Does your wife's culture celebrate Christmas?   

You don't know how many more holidays you'll have with your mother.  I would spend it with her and let her know that if you and your wife are back together next year, then you'll be with her.

Good luck, and think of the money you'll spend on airfare.

? · Answer

I am totally a "always side with your wife" and "marriage is the ultimate-union/relationship and is most important" guy, but I think your Mom is right on this one. Your wife sounds terrible, and you both sound like colossal idiots who didn't think with anything other than the brain between your legs when you got married. No logic telling you it would not work out!?? No consideration of differing cultures, differing opinions because of this, etc? SERIOUSLY?!? Yikes man...

I'd spend the time with my Mom... and that pains me to say it.

? · Answer

Oh yuck! I don't envy you at all!
I guess, if you hope to make your marriage work, choose the wife.
If you were seeing this marriage ending and are ok with that, choose mom.
Mom will forgive you regardless, especially if you plan something wonderful with her before you go.
Your wife would probably forgive you but it also might be the straw that breaks the camels back, so to speak. 
I think it all comes down to you deciding whether you want your marriage to work...

As a side note, I suppose it is ridiculous to think that you could bring your mom ioverseas...

? · Answer

so here we have:
- you're choosing your mom. Wife's mad. Also she's mad because her parents won't see you. Huge quarrel.
-you're choosing your wife. Mom manipulates you. May even tell that she has no son. Also cool. They can do that.

Try to speak to your mom. Tell her that you love her,you miss her and other stuff. Because you love your mom. Just don't forget to tell. She  really needs it. Tell her, that seeing wife's parents means a lot for you and your wife.
Tell her that you'll sent her a Christmas gift. That you'll come to see her as fast as you can. And then you'll have a nice dinner together.

? · Answer

If you still love your wife, choose your wife.  Your mom won't always be around so if you keep choosing her, you might be end up alone as well.

Anonymous · Answer

If you chose mom, you lose the wife

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Choose Mom or Wife for Christmas?

12 Answers