Answering some questions for our adopted son...?

Hi Ferbs......and Rosie, Im happy to answer your questions, both as an adoptee and as a parent, but its first thing in the morning here in Australia and Im still drinking my first coffee of the day, give me a little while to think about your questions....Im sure that you would prefer well considered answers to such huge questions.....yes? I will be back in a little while. I will say though, truth is always best, age appropriate truth to be sure, but still truth or at least the honesty of, "I think that you need to be older before we speak about that." Blessings to you both. Rosie, if your hearing crickets, at least theyre thoughtful crickets in this case......Ferbs, why on earth would I rather choke than help a hurting child? I am a parent myself.

Adds after coffee:

Ferbs, I think that I too will answer this by email, that allows me to give you some background in my answer that I wont post publicly. It may take me a little while (not to mention a few emails) to get it all written, patience would be appreciated.......

Rosie, if you too have questions, feel free to email me.

*Yet another edit:

Well Ferbs, the emails are sent, I hope that they make sense, it was hard to keep track cause there is a few of them. I hope it all helps. Please feel free to email me if you have questions, or if there is EVER anything else you think I may be able to help with.

I answer most questions with "i can't answer for your family. but they were sick and could not parent and when you are older you can talk to them". maybe wrong but that's how i field it for now.

but you have contact with the mom so it is different.

I think Sunny is right (although maybe a little rudely put, althugh I still love her) that your experience is different than many adoptees, so you want to find assistance from this from others who have open adoptions where the mom may have some problems likely derivitive from being marginalized.

That said, don't take the daughter. I know this is direct advice, but don't even think about that right now. Get CAS to start giving mom some help now so she can parent her daughter and be healthy for the open adoption with your son.

But one quesiton though...why would he know his dad is in prison? this is something that shouldn't even come up, he is too young I think. Just keep your answers general, never speak for anyone else, and love him, and keep the adoption open and support mom where you can.

Hugs.

I'm not sure I can be of any help. The last couple days have brought a bit of craziness to our situation, too, that I will one day have to answer questions about. Which wouldn't be bad, but I don't like answering on behalf of others, and that is essentially what I will be put in the position to do, as will you.

However, I do have this to say... You have followed through. You have kept the adoption open and lines of communication open. For some of these questions, maybe you should defer to his First Mom? Maybe you and she should have a talk at some point and maybe you could gently bring up the fact that as he gets older, he will have questions for her. If you can trust that she can keep things age appropriate, maybe it would be best if she was answering some of these questions on her own behalf, so that you can stay back and be a support for him, rather than being the intermediary.

As far as a couple of the questions go...I could be wrong, but they look like a great place to talk about empathy and choices. Adults are responsible for their decisions, yes. But it might be a good time to talk a little bit about how some things are not black and white, and how sometimes adults are afraid and/or hurting and make questionable decisions because of that.

I don't know...I honestly can't say I know exactly what to say because I'm working it out, too. But I think honesty is crucial, since that information ultimately belongs to him, so long as providing the information isn't harmful in and of itself. Which is why keeping it age appropriate is so important. Stick to the facts, don't be afraid to say you don't know, and don't editorialize too much.

That's all I've got. :-)

answered in email.

Ya know, sometimes, "I don't really know why" is a fine answer.

followed up by " What do you think?" That at least opens up a chance to listen to his feelings about it.

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I got questions with my adopted son, I would love help with as well from insightful adoptees.

Do you know any place where you could ask questions and get helpful answers?

Rather choke than be helpful? Wow, nice.

Most of us probably cannot be anymore helpful than anyone else--since we have no such experience with a mother as you describe. I think I can speak for a majority here--our nmothers were "good" girls who were incredibly naive about the world 40-50 years ago. My mother was convinced that she couldn't get pregnant because she wasn't wearing a slip. A slip. These questions are waaay out of my range of expertise.

I feel for your son. Awful situation. But maybe you ought to ask the "experts" (social workers?) who helped you procure this child. There must be books about these issues? Or a forum? You certainly must have known these questions were coming?

I, for one, am offended that you seem to be assuming that our mothers, who by now you must know, were young women who were pressured into surrendering their children are not irresponsible abandoners who fall for pedophiles.

As I said, I feel terrible for your son, but to dis our mothers, is really rude.

I think the answer you really need to work on is for your younger son. "Why did you think you could save your marriage by adopting me?"