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Would you please c/c on my poem?
It's about a friend. So, ya know, give some advice and what not if you would please.
Watching her
Flames licking her cheek
The room was getting hot
Scorching all around her
Demise murmuring in her ear
I beacon, begging for her
To follow me out
Into the cool autumn air
Nods her head
Takes a deep breath in
And exhales into the heat
I yell
I must not wait anymore
No response
I must depart
No response
I must live
No
Response
Watching her
Burn in a fire
She could not control
Would not leave
Leaving her
And I never took a moment
To turn my head on last time
Thank you everyone!
I am trying to make my poems less rambly and a little more to the point. I think that made metorphores, similies and the like to be but on the backburner.
Ask her to link to me.....
My problem is I used to be like her, but for some reason now all of a sudden I am a happier person! This is great for me but.......
She doen't want to be happy. Enjoying life is unexciting, I think to her. She wants to be miserable, in fact she wanted (in my opinion) to fit a certain image (the fat girl with no friends who is emo and hates herself) to be able to have an interesting story to tell to her slutty high school friends (btw, I'm not implying anything about high schoolers so lets not start that!).
She wants it, I don't. I can't link to her, she can't link to me. We are in quite a dilema, are we not? I have given up. I don't want her to hurt herself (which she already has), but there is nothing left to do.....
Thank you for trying though Lovechild! I appritiate to thought!
6 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I think you can write it without saying
"Her" more then a few times...
It makes me wanna rush read it.
But i like it!
I likes really like the 3rd stanza most.
- autumlovrLv 71 decade ago
I can readily relate to this piece. I, too, have a friend that I cannot help because she is determined to live a life that is sub standard while she sits back and blames everybody else in the world yet never ever takes personal responsiblity for her own degraded life. Takes a long long time but you eventually do learn that a hand up is not what everybody wants or needs. The decison rests with you: stay or leave. The healthy thing to do is move on.
This piece is quite revealing and I had to do the same recently. Sad isn't it.
Very nicely written and it appeals to a soul condition that most understand and relate to frankly.
- Tee HeeLv 61 decade ago
Wow! I like it a lot. It contains a very abrupt ending. Nice word choices and all. The only suggestion I would offer is to add more figurative language. Similes, metaphors, alliteration, personification etc... They really enhance the material of a piece of writing. Other than that, nice job! Keep writing.
- ?Lv 71 decade ago
You said about putting metaphor on the back burner. You have a very effective metaphor with this poem. Perhaps before you were (is this possible?) over thinking thereby destroying your intuition.
This poem was much to the point, good job IMHO.
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
This reminds me of Casie's 'Some Like It Hot' I like it that way myself.
ask her to link you to it, it's GREAT!
