How can APs find a balance...?

Hi Ferbs,

By continuing to be open. By continuing to be honest. By continuing to NOT interfere in interactions between your son and his mum unless you can actually see a harmful situation opening up. By referring his questions back to his first mum where possible so that she can answer for herself. by offering non judgemental support wherever possible. By continuing to be open to advice from others while maintaining the right to do what you need to do for you as well.

It is possible to offer support to your adoptee without offering judgement and I know that you are in the position where if there are questions that you dont know the answers to, you can ask the first mother..........

Be aware, there are ALWAYS going to be times when an adopted child is going to be angry with their first parents, adoption is a huge thing to get your head around. Be wise, accept the anger for what it is, allow your child to vent and reassure him to what you KNOW is true.

I completely disagree with anyone that tells you that the issues related to adoption won't come into play until the child is older. I was adopted at 7 weeks. My very first memory at about 1.5 years old was thinking of my amom as "that lady". I knew she was the most important person in my life, I called her mommy, it was her arms I went to when I fell...but I still didn't think of her as my mommy. I secretly stored food in my closet. Not because I ever went hungry, but just in case. I never ate it; but I always knew it was there. I had no idea at the time what was going on. I did eventually come up with my own answers, but I think it would have been a lot easier if there had been some dialog. Don't assume that just because your little one can't articulate the issues that they don't exist! They do exist. Think of it sort of like getting a haircut. You spend, what? about an hour a month doing that? Will you devote even that much time to discussing adoption? How do you know when to get a haircut? You look at your hair and notice that it is too long. Sometimes a style that has worked for years just doesn't seem to be right. So, you look for something new. I think the secret is RESPONDING. Respond to whatever your common sense and indications from the child tell you. Watch for clues. Take advantage of teachable moments. I guarantee the child will not ask unless you have made it perfectly clear that you are open to talking about it. I know I never asked my parents about sex. Nor adoption issues. It was silently clear that in our family those were uncomfortable issues.

I really do not have much help to offer. I just wanted to say that your child is blessed to have a parent that will put this much effort into helping and supporting them work through their adoption and their relationship with there bio. mom. I second what minimouse said. I really wish my aparents had put half as much thought into me as you all have into your children.

The only time I was supported was when I was very angry at my bmom and 'hated' her and wanted nothing to do with her ever again (aah being a teenager! lol). When I would reconcile I was made to doubt my decision, feel bad for forgiving her (why should you? She gave you up to US!) and continuing on a relationship. My mom tried to an extent in the beginning, but certain things happened certain ways and things are the way they are now.

I was in reunion from the age of 13-18. I really did not have much to say beforehand, other than what I thought I was supposed to say to make my aparents feel good. All I can say is let them have their anger towards their first mom. Let them vent it to you and get it all out of their system, then show them how to express it in a more mature way too her once the initial 'vent' and anger is over. Don't discount how they feel even if it seems totally off the wall to you. My mom and dad also understood, identified, what have you - with why my bmom chose adoption. Doesn't mean I did or ever will and it aggravated the snot out of me when I would try and express that, and they shot me down. When things are going wonderfully between the two, don't remind them of the bad. My amom did that to try and regain security into our relationship, when she had nothing to worry about at that time. It was when she started the mind games with my adoption that she needed to worry. Try and keep your feelings out of it, or at least keep the majority of your feelings on it out of it in front of your child. Just listen unconditionally and answer any questions they have as non judgmental as possible. Since it is an open adoption and questions can be asked, maybe direct your child to ask their first mom questions if you feel they start to vilify her? Or if they are too emotional to ask maybe you could ask her through a letter, e-mail, or speaker phone convo but have them read/listen. I only hope first mom knows that she may get some harsh, mean questions and that she can be prepared to look over the anger and hostility your child may have and answer or clarify things.

In my situation, there was nothing my parents could have done to help me. It was my experience, I needed my space and time to deal with it, and I only needed them there when I felt I needed them there. Selfish, but being a teenager and going through reunion is just crazy. It would have been nice to have been supported unconditionally.

I agree, just continue to be open and supportive. There is no way to predict exactly what challenges each adopted child will confront. But if you read the research, ask questions before reacting and respect that your adopted child will have to come to some conclusions on their own - you will be doing the best you can to be a good parent. That's all any of us can do - the best we can and admitting if we make a mistake and then regrouping.

Your willingness to want to be as supporitive as possible, and considering all options is the key to getting it right.

Other than the above, I wouldn't know how to advise any parent on their unique relationship with their child.

You ask a humble question Ferbs and I appreciate your sensitivity to adoptee/first mother issues. But I think your question needs to penetrate further.

Adoption is best understood by the adoptee who was born into it and the first mother who was led into it.

How do ap's not stand in the way? Don't participate in the act of adopting.

I, being a crappy parent, have absolutely no idea at all how to answer this, but when I get chance, I'll show this to amom (who is the complete opposite of a crappy parent <g>), and then even if the time's run out on this question for answering, I can PM you as much as I can drag out of her. :)

Other than that, I'd say (a) take note of what the wise minimouse has said, and (b) talk to #1 son. I know he's only young, but from what I've seen/heard of/about him, he's got a damn sensible and wise head on them young shoulders (at least at times, I'd imagine), and while it might not be ideal taking advice from the kid you're hoping to be helping, I reckon he could possibly help you out at least a small amount.

Good luck. :)