Adoptees only please?

1. Just like I handle the aging process of anyone else. It's an inevitable part of life. No biggie. When She-Adopter died, it was sad, of course. But I never had a "parental" type bond with her, even as a child. So, when people talk about how difficult it is to lose a parent, I can empathize, but that's about it. I've never really been through it.

2. Not at all.

3. Towards whom? Her for dying? The universe for the cycle of life? Certainly not. Life is a process, with the ultimate goal being self-fulfillment and, hopefully, self-reliance. I never felt like I had a mother, so I never felt a grievous loss at losing one. I'm an adult; death is a part of life and one I've come to accept.

4. Peace because she died? Of course not! I may not have looked at her as a mother, but she was an incredibly kind woman who always did the best she could to see that I was happy and well cared for. Peace from the mortal wound of adoption does not come with the death of the AP's. The AP's, while culpable in many ways for the trauma of adoption, are not the enemy of the adoptee. As long as they provided a warm, loving, and stable home, I don't see why their death's would provide any peace or closure for the adoptee.

I. In the same way as anyone else would do. They aged and I cared.

2. No I don't think so.

3. If I felt any anger it was becasue right up until the end the whole adoption thing could not be talked about. I wanted to talk but felt it would be too cruel.

4. Yes finally a peace decended. Not a resolution but a peace of sorts.

"How did you handle the aging process and/or death of your adoptive parents?"

My Adoptive mother is getting older but so far, healthy. I dread the day that we lose her.

My Adoptive father died suddenly of a heart attack when I had just turned 17. I didn't handle it at ALL I was devastated and denied it so much that they forced me to go and view his body so I couldn't deny it any more. I just hugged him and told him how much I loved him. He was so cold; it was surreal

"Did your feelings of abandonment resurface?"

Most definitely Although I had no words to articulate the feelings I was having or why (adoption loss issues were there but had never been acknowledged, nor did I understand why I'd always felt the way I did - this event brought the devastating feeling of abandonment to the fore in a big way)

Did you feel anger?

Very. My Adad was only 50 years old. I would look at elderly people in the street and be angry at them for reasons, again, that I didn't understand (almost as if my suconscious was thinking "how come YOU'RE here and Dad isn't?)

I was angry that he wasn't there any more. That he'd never see me grow into a woman, get married, have children. Being cut off in the teenage years made me angry at myself for my perceived 'teenage' behavior and facing he fact that I'd never be able to have an 'adult' relationship with him.

I resented the neighbor who would come help my Amother with the garden, car and household chores. I hated the fact that this poor guy was 'replacing' my Dad, even though he was only trying to help us out.

I resented his relatives who just weren't there when we needed them

I was angry and resentful toward the wasters out there who contributed nothing to society whilst my Adad, a good man, had spent his short life in research and development finding cures for the world's diseases - he had so much left to offer. The injustice was incomprehendable to me

Or, did you finally feel at peace?

Sorry, no. I miss him. I still can't speak about him without getting teary-eyed. My son is named after him.

. . . . and people here blame my lack of affection for adoption as an institution as a reflection on my upbringing or 'bad experience' with bad adoptive parents. Hah! They could not be MORE wrong

I'm so very sorry ((((Linny))) Loss is loss. Adopted people feel this magnified, after all we lost our whole world, the very people we expected to be there for us when we emerged into this world, so early in our lives.

Further losses are cumulative and this is what people just don't understand. People really don't get it and can be very cruel when you speak out against unnecessary adoption and the adoption industry as a whole.

At least my AMum 'gets it' that's all that matters. Though I do feel very sorry for the adopted kids of these yahoos who insist that they are the child's ONLY parents and any adoptee that expresses the complexity of adoption is just 'maladjusted' or has had a 'bad experience' bah!

Love ya xoxoxo

wow not something I really thought about. My parents died when I was a baby and was raised by my grandmother until I was 6. When I was placed in the children's home, I remember being very scared at what was going to happen to me as it was obvious that my Aunt didn't want me. My parents are in their 60's and in good health. My house mother is not in the best of health and had a cancer scare last year. I think I would feel a great sense of loss if she was not longer here. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week. I don't know if I would call that feeling abandoned or just sorrow at a loss

something to think about

My parents are still both alive, mom will be 70 next December and Dad will be 69 next June. My grandmother will be 91 in May and she is starting to lose it, I see what my mom goes through to care for her. It can be stressful and frustrating dealing with the elderly and I imagine I will have to do the same if she (mom) lives that long. When they die I will be very very sad but I will be at peace knowing it is only their physical body that died and that I will soon see them on the otherside. When I use the word soon I just mean that the otherside does not have time like we have it. Its possible I might be angry as that is a stage of the grief process but at this point I’d hope I wouldn’t be. Death comes to us all and all we can do is live our lives the best we can until we are called home. Going home is not a bad thing

I'm turning 29 in a couple weeks, adopted in-country at a couple months old.

My mother is in her late 50s and my father is 76. I don't know if that's aged enough to answer your questions, but to me my parents are my parents and certainly as my father ages I don't see that as being any different than if I had stayed with one or both of my biological parents. I never really struggled with feelings of anger or abandonment, some confusion during my adolescense and yeah there's the occasional feelings of isolation, but there is a lot of adoption in my family due to genetic issues on my mother's side preventing a lot of biological children in the last couple generations so it was a pretty open topic for me in my family and elsewise. Having been to discussion groups for people on all three sides of an adoption, I realize that I'm the best case scenario in terms of issues, but I'm always a proponent of working through issues if they are there, it's the only way to resolve them (disclosure, I am a psychologist so that's my go-to place).

Having already lost my first mother just 3 years into reunion, the aging process of my adoptive parents absolutely terrifies me. My adad has asbestos cancer and melanoma.....5 tumours throught his body and was literally given a death sentence 3 years ago.........I cant ever adequately describe the horror that being told drowned me in... I immediately began a desperate search for anything that could keep him alive longer....so far we have been fortunate in that he is still with us, over a year after his medically determined "use by date" but every time he coughs, every time he looks even a little tired, the terror begins again. My mind cant even begin to contemplate losing them, it shakes my stability to the core to the extent that I literally cant cope if I dont speak to them every single day. My adoptive mother is 72 and my adoptive father is now 76, logically I know that I am going to have to face loosing them sooner or later, but for my emotional health I really hope that it is much later.

I am quite open with them about how I feel.....they know that I am terrified of losing the only parents that I was allowed to keep. I cant say that peace is something that Ive ever found...... Ive never stopped feeling frightened of being abandoned and as Im now 42, nearly 43, I cant see that changing at this stage.....mostly I just try to keep it all together and work my butt off to keep those I love healthy because I cant stand even the thought of losing anyone else.

Edit to add: Linny, Im sorry for what youre going through....email me if you want to chat.

I am 36 years old and my parents adopted me at birth. My father passed away 6 years ago at age 56, in a traffic accident. My mother is 61. She has some health problems and will be having surgery soon. I admit to being terrified of my mother passing. We're best friends and I know it will be very traumatic for me to lose her.

As for your questions:

1. When I was younger I never really thought about my parents getting older. But now, after losing my father and becoming a mother myself, I find myself worrying about my mother's health more and more. I handle this by making sure my mom is living healthy and taking care of herself, and doing the same for myself. I don't think this issue, for me, is any different that my friends my own age who face losing parents, be they biological or adoptive or step parents. It's never easy.

2. I didn't feel any abandonment when my father died. It was a tragic accident and I was profoundly sad but I was not abandoned.

3. Of course I felt anger. That is one of the stages of grief - most people go through it. I felt anger at the other driver, at fate, at the world for a time but not at my dad.

4. Many people who lose a loved one to a long, painful, drawn-out illness do feel a sense of peace because as hard as the loss is they know their loved one is no longer in pain and is now at peace themselves. I suppose I did feel a sense of peace knowing my father was killed immediately in the accident and didn't suffer.

Same as I handle any other death ... though tbh, I'm not sure what I'll do once amom dies.

Adad died 12 years ago, and I think I turned off for a bit so's I could help me mom and aunt get through it (she lost her husband 12 days before we lost my dad, her brother, so she was absolutely devastated).

Then again, death to me ain't no big deal. It happens to us all ('cept Elvis & Lord Lucan :p), and so there's no point stressing over it. Yes, you can miss the person being around like mad (I was pretty close to me dad, we used to spend time together almost every day at that stage, and I could talk to him like I couldn't talk to me mom), but there's no way of stopping it, and tbh, I would't wanna ... as the wondrous Freddie once asked, who wants to live forever?

{{{{{Linny}}}}}

I'd imagine it'd depend entirely on how death generally affects you (generic you) in any other case as to how much it'd impact you (still generic) with it being a parental death.

Fwiw, even though he's been gone 12 years, I still talk to him almost daily - even if it's only to say "'lo dad" when I walk past his picture by my bed, but often I'll hold the necklace I wear that was his 'n' natter to him too.

I am very close with my adoptive family, so close that I don't throw the adopted word in there anymore. They are the people that love me and raised me and I love them. The thought of them getting older terrifies me. My Mom's side has altheimers in spades, my aunt just died a few months ago and my grandma about 2 years ago, and that scares me. The thought of her not knowing me one day is TERRIFYING. and sometimes the thought of taking care of her scares me too. I was four and taking care of my birth mom when she died of a heroin overdose. To the point that I have scars all over my hands and arms from trying to cook for her. My parent's are 70 now, very fit and healthy thank God, but the thought of watching them die and the loss that will create in myself terrify me.

Let me just say that I think you have a lot of feelings you are struggling with. This is a lot to handle and with us adoptees sometimes it gets more complicated because we have seen other parents leave or die and the gap in our lives that caused resurface as the people we bond with grow older. Anything you feel is natural. Life is crazy and there's no 'rule book' for how you should grieve or handle the loss that you feel as the people you came to rely on grow older. Let yourself feel what you feel and NEVER apologize for it. You aren't wrong. I really hope this helped, and if it didn't please believe I have the best intentions. Good luck and don't worry so much, just live and feel. It's what life's all about.