Skyping with first mom...?

I am an adoptee in a closed adoption and I have a 5 year old son who I placed in an open adoption. From the experience that I had with my son I can say that the first year was a roller coaster. There were days when I was happy with my decision and other days when I fully regretted it. I think it's very important for the adoptive parents to be as open and understanding as they can. Make sure that you tell her how much you appreciate her and express to her that she is a part of this. It was nice for me to feel loved and needed even though it isn't me raising my son. Just be yourself, talk about how she's doing, how your son's doing and i'm sure everything will go fine!

My first visit with my son was tricky but I enjoyed it very much. It was hard to leave (I visited in person) but it was very comforting to see that he was happy and healthy.

Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you all!!!

Katie

Montreal, Qc

Are you talking about your oldest or the baby? Not that it matters, I guess :)

I agree with just trying to be yourself. It will likely be uncomfortable all around, but after this first time, hopefully it'll get "easier".

A few weeks ago we had my half brother (and his wife, 2 step children and new baby) over... it was the first time he had seen Bee (his daughter who was taken away by the state 4 years ago) in like 3 years- pretty much since we adopted her.

They had some visits during reunification but once we adopted her I told him he can't come around if he's going to continue with the arrest warrants, drug selling/use etc. But I stressed to him that I really want him in her life- for her sake.

I was nervous about the visit, but it went really well! Our kids all ran and played together and I was SO happy to get pictures of everyone (Bee doesn't know that's her birth father and half brother, she's only 5 and we aren't ready to tell her who they are yet). So he was Uncle J to everyone :) It was amazing and heartwarming. I hope to do it all the time now!! I want Bee to know that eventhough her parents were young and 'sick', her father cares. He came around and played and visitied. I don't ever want her to feel abandoned or like he just took off and didn't look back.

I felt awkward when she would call my husband Daddy and snuggle with him... like it was hurting J's feelings... but I just have to accept that's how it is. She wouldn't give him a hug goodbye, which is normal for her because she's shy with new people, especially men. That almost made me cry. I could tell J was sad, but he said "that's ok Bee, maybe next time!".

I know it wasn't an easy visit eventhough we are all so happy it happened. I know it hurts him everyday to know he's without her. But when it became obvious that their rights would be taken, he asked the social worker to please keep Bee with us and let us adopt her. He didn't really make the choice since she would be taken anyway- but he feels like this is the best option for the situation.

Good luck and I hope it goes awesome!!!!!!!!

Thank you for thinking of her. She will try to be brave, but after wards she will probably crash and burn. She will run the gamut of emotions from elation to depression, she will be happy and sad. There isn't much you can do to help her, she will have to work through it herself.

YOU can't take away the sadness unless you're willing to return her son to her - honestly, that's what she REALLY wants (if you DO want to understand her perspective). You've already stated that you won't/can't - so dump the idea of "helping" her - it's done.

I would be more concerned about how your/her son is going to react and how you're going to be there for him. From what I've come to learn from my own reunion, contact is 10x harder for adoptees so I would consider providing some autonomy during "their" special visit as emotions of loyalty and confusion run high.

His first mother is not interested in knowing/seeing/talking to you about her son.

Just be yourself is the best advice I can give and chat about everyday stuff, follow her lead if necessary.

I'd say be you, from what I know of you.

Don't overdo the sappiness, 'n' ask her about her same as you'd ask your best mate about them.

Good luck!

just be yourself.

lay off the "gift" and "blessing" dogma. and just talk. sometimes, the best way to handle awkward situations is to just let things happen organically.

i commend you for keep the adoption open. although you know my feelings about newborn adoption, i wish more parents would take a few rules from your playbook.

I'm sure she'll be very brave and tell you everything she thinks you want to hear.

I can only imagine how frightened she must be that you will cut off contact.

Poor baby, my heart aches that he had to lose his mother :(