Comments/critiques on my poem? People who know what they're talking about pls.?

To be honest, this poem wasn't really that great considering it doesn't really envoke any sense of emotion in the reader. It expresses very bland "emotions" without any real feeling behind them.

You should try and incorporate some of your own personal feelings into how you feel the world is.

I kind of get the feeling that the ideas you expressed here derived from somewhere else but not from within YOU. Do not underestimate the power of good ole honest feelings to get the message across.

Alot of the ideas seemed pretty sketchy at times without any real defined purpose.

If you were to rewrite this poem, then if you are discussing how the world is then find a way to describe it using your own personal feelings that not only you can relate to but that others could relate to also.

Since you are writing for an audience it is imperative that you grant them consideration and try to express ideas that could be interpretated in many different ways from different walks of life.

You do have a bit of talent that if properly nurtured, meaning if you continue to write and read great poetry then you can get a feel as to what good poetry looks like.

Perhaps take a favorite poem of yours that you have read and ask yourself,:

"What do I like about this poem?" "How does it make me feel?"

Then once you have answered those questions, figure out ways how you could make someone feel the same way about your poems as that author was able to make you feel about theirs.

Next time, engage the reader with honest emotions. I want you take me inside of your heart and allow me to interpret what I see.

Keep Writing and I hope I helped.:)

Edit: Ahh I see, well look, don't be afraid to express your real emotions even if they sound "emo." lol to be honest people who say "oh your poem is too emo wow go cut" like their really really stupid. There is nothing wrong with expressing yourself in an "emotional" way, hence "emo."

So don't fall into that mindset that there is something wrong with writing an "emo" poem.

As far as poems with a great emotional expression, Edgar Allan Poe, is known for his rather dark yet emotional poems. "Annabel Lee" is magnificent and speaks about his lover who passed away.

And writing with a sense of detachment is fine its just don't expect your readers to really relate to that because how would somebody relate to detached emotions.

It is almost like subjectivity trying to relate to objectivity. The two are hard-pressed to relate.

You can write "emo" just make sure you are original and creative and not too literal and cliche like "oh I cut myself yesterday as the rain fell outside my window" that kind of emo poem is overdone.

Just get more creative. Hope this helped and keep writing:)

-Denmark

That was a excellent poem.You gave the reader a mental visual of the house.I think that this is one of the top poems I have heard from blooming writer.Hope to read more.Keep up the good work!