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Give a read. Please. Constructive critique is welcome XD?
Oh, those deep dark pits,
round and black, they entice,
a glance into them and i fall to bits,
telling a story of danger and dangerous vice.
Blink away, blink away,
there, my soul does not wisho to stay,
look astray, look astray,
keeping bitterness, sadness and pain at bay....
Inflictor, remembrancer are the dark dark brown orbs,
pulled into them in times past,
then quickly, painfully, fast....
thrown back out just like times past.
I loved, and seduced by them is true fact,
not looking, even a glance...fruitless act,
you still bring it all back,
and as if it were wonderful,
you bring them back by the sackful.
It hurts, it hurts, to thinkof them,
you have done much healing, but more pain,
sometimes, it feels like a crippling poison,
those are the times, i try to keep myself sane...
A poem written during the depths of sadness that come and go....
Anyway, give it a read. I know it's not all that great, but emotion is a hard thing to phase. Espacially when you want it to sound nice...Critique please...
5 Answers
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
its nice but don't forget when writing especially poems or anything you write that you cant fake it don't try and sugarcoat your feelings if your sad, hurt, or whatever the emotion is grasp it better yet just write from your heart. its a nice poem but to me it felt like you read it and took some words out or as you were writing this you were thinking about what to write but every writer is different so this just maybe your style
- Anonymous1 decade ago
You are doing just what you need to do. WRITING. The more you do, the better you get. I have recently re-read stuff of my own from before YAP to now, and I am a FAR better writer. I have literally THOUSANDS of poems, with maybe a third publishable.
I rather like this one, maybe if you would work on imagery and metaphor.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Well done! It seems very dark and saddening, but is well written. Make sure you write from your heart during happy moments as well.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I actually really like it. I don't have a particular suggestion except to put a comma in "dark dark" as it should grammatically be, "dark, dark."
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- ?Lv 51 decade ago
this is a beautiful poem.you expressed your views and thoughts so nicely. .thanks for this good poem.
