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Is this "friend" taking advantage of/using me?
Okay, so I am a mom to a 2 1/2 (3 in July) y/o little girl, right, and of course I now and then want fellow mom friends. So I made this friend almost 2 years ago who I met at a library. Her daughter is just 9 days older than mine. She's a single mom to 2 daughters both from different fathers---one is almost 17. The little one the father is a military guy and jumped ship on them, never seeing her since 7 mons old etc. and just sending the monthly child support. So basically she doesnt have a lot of help although she does have sooo many friends, and her mom and dad and stepmom who often watch her daughter for her while she works. She didnt actually start working til her daughter turned 18 mons (same as me). She used to never ask me to watch her daughter and would do favors for me like let me in under her membership to places like the zoo, saving me money and giving me and my daughter a free outing, but the compensation was we'd go in my car and use my gas. well last year in dec. I lost my job as a substitute worker because of budget cuts, so basically she who still had a job, started asking me if I could watch her daughter. I said yes once for a couple of hours for free at her place, driving to where she lives which is about 20 min away, 30 with traffic.
anyways the yes became another yes etc. so basically once a week or so I;vwe been going to her place since about jan.watching her daughter for free. now and then she'' give me 5-10 dollars for the 2-4 hours i'm there. I bring my daughter with me bc they.re friends and my daughter has so much fun over there with all of her toys like playhouse, etc that my daughter doesnt have.
well i only work part time somewhere else now and it;s not much money. I'm looking for a better job, and money is an issue with me even though i "have somebody" as she puts it. IShe knows about my financial situation too, just like I know about hers.
now and then she'll offer to watch my daughter, she did yesterday, but it always has to be at her house and it's always for 2 hrs or less. She does work every afternoon.
i have mentioned her coming down to see us instead but she said she was too scared of my neighborhood (what?)
It just kinda makes me mad bc here I am making hardly anything and watching her daughter for free. She makes more than I do although it does all go to rent and her 2 daughters esp. her odler daughter who goes to a private school.
Last week she made almost 1,00 in one week and my first thought was, "you cant give me any of that for watching your daughter one day?"
Here's another thing: she's so stingy about me taking any food or drink for myself (sometimes even for my daughter) even though i'm there for almost 4 hrs once a week, and she gets food stamps so groceries are free for her.
Oh, and this also bugs me: often times she'll go out to eat etc with her other girlfriends but not invite me which to me is rude. One time she just got off and her friend came and they were gonna go to a restaurant making plans right in front of me without even asking if I wanted to come, after I just watched her daughter at her house for FREE. Now and then we do go to parks together etc. but that's it. Oh and sometimes she invites me to the museum with her and lets me get in underr her membership but it's almost always followed by "can you watch her/"
The reasons why I do this and allow myself to be treated like this are because 1--my daughter loves it there and often asks about her daughter (But I would rather feel like a friend over for a play date rather than a babysitter) 2---I do genuinely adore her daughter and feel bad for her, having a single mom, no father figure etc. 3---I desperately want to keep the few friends I have esp. mom ones (but at what cost?)
Does it seem like she's using me? any advice?
lena I dont expect her to invite me to EVERY single thing...I just expect maybe more consideration? But who knows...manners seems to be gone these days anyhow...as apparent with you.
Lena: it's not a "private conversation if I'm there. if I was not there then that's different. But it's RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME after I just watched her girl for FREE with a single thanks. So bc she "lets" me go to the museum with her etc. that means it's okay to take advantage of me or is equiavalant to me watching her daughter? Yes, I shouldn't allow it, but if a woman allows herself to be beaten by her husband, does that mean she deserves it bc she doesn't stop it? I know it's not the same thing at all, but just using that as an analogy. You seem to be playing the devil's advocate here, but I can tell you right now---no one is on your side, bc those 2 thumbs down aren't from me.
One thing you are right about: I let this happen and I need to stop. However, all the others said that without an attitude which you do convey. I don't know how you act in real life, or what your friends say, and I don't care. But the fact that you let that bother you a little must mean maybe it's true. and it'
also: if I do ask for money she would give like 10 bucks! and so I'd rather just not do it all. I dont mind doing it occasionally (like once a month or less) but not as often as once a week. and spontaneously as an emergency back up not relied on like a nanny (except no pay!).
6 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade ago
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- 1 decade ago
yes she is using you. The real question is "is she aware that she's using you?" I definitely give thumbs up to the first answer here, Tell her gas prices are getting too high and financially right now its hard for you to keep making the trip. Hopefully she will quickly realize that she's putting her friend in a bad situation. And hopefully the too frequent favors end there. If you tell her this and she stars bring up the whole "boo hoo you have a partner and I'm a single mom help me out" then you have a problem, because then you will know that she is aware that she is taking advantage of your kindness and probably isn't your friend. Hopefully your kids will still be able to do play dates from time to time.
- 1 decade ago
She is not being a good friend and she is leaning on you way more than she allows you to lean back on her. I would tell her that i love hanging out but i am going to have to stop watching her daughter tell her how much you love her little girl but times are tough and you are going to look for a job to help with the finances at YOUR house. Tell her it makes you feel bad to see all the pretty things that she has and you want to make sure your little one doesn't go without. Or you could leave that last part out people will do what you let them do to you so you need to take just a little responsibility and mom up and get the heck out of there. There are lots of other kids for your little one to play with that don't come with self centered emotional bloodsuckers for parents. Just saying. good luck
- 1 decade ago
yes, it seems like she's using you and I think you need to learn how to say NO. I'm a single mother and do ask my mom or sister to watch my daughter OCCASIONALLY. No more than twice a month if that! You need to have a conversation with her about this and let her know what it is you want/dont want. It seems like you have some built up hostilities so stay calm but get everything out! Let her know!
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
No, she asks you and you continue to say yes, so she has no reason to offer to pay when you have shown no will to be paid. She isn't psychic, for all she knows you are completely content with the current situation, since you've never said no or asked for any money, she probably thinks the museums and zoos are payment enough since you've never said anything. If she gets food stamps, then she has a limited amount of food a week, so she might just be careful about keeping enough for her and her daughters. You cant expect to be invited to every little thing, she already goes out to the museum and the zoo with you, sometimes its just something between her and her one other friend, so they can make plans and hang out together, it doesnt mean that shes snuffing you, just that she doesnt have to invite you to everything just because you watch her daughter, shes allowed to have one on one time with her other friends. If you want money, say "hey, Ive been watching ____ for a while now, I dont mind and I really enjoy it, but Ive been spending a lot of time with her and I would like some payment in return."
edit: So because I gave an answer that was the honest truth and you didn't like it and I didn't just agree with you, I have bad manners. Nice. Its actually a little funny considering everyone I know says I overdo it when it comes to manners. Don't mistake asked for honesty and bad manners. She is being considerate when she asks you to go to the places she does ask you to go to. If she walked up to a group of people and invited every single one of them out to dinner except for you, that would be rude, but having a private conversation with her friend and making plans to get together while picking up her child, not rude, she just has other friends. The bottom line is you asked about money for babysitting. If you don't tell her that you would like to be paid and you keep on going on as if the current arrangements fine, then she wont know otherwise. You have to voice your concerns so she knows how you feel.
edit: Or maybe its because I dont like people making false judgements of me because I dont agree with them. Do you really think those thumbs things really mean anything on here. Its not devils advocate when I believe in what Im saying, its called having a different opinion, you shouldnt attack people for having one. Are you seriously comparing yourself, a friend who babysits for a friend who is under the assumption that you dont mind, to a battered woman? Even if they arent the same thing, that just makes no sense. Theres a huge difference between beating someone, which everyone knows is wrong, and babysitting for free, which can be assumed that its done out of friendship. Shes not taking advantage when you gave given her no reason to know that you feel cheated, she thinks you are fine with the arrangement. I dont have an attitude, I just give the honest truth, I dont sugar coat it like others who are afraid of getting thumbs downs and not getting best answer, Im actually on here to help people, not for meaningless points.
- ?Lv 51 decade ago
she is definitely using you... esp for how much money she is making... if you want to keep the friendship try maybe saying something like "i love watching your little one but with gas prices getting higher right now I just dont have the gas money to drive over here" or start saying you are busy on the days she needs you to watch her or that you have other plans