Should this biography be revised?

My name is Zoe Park. I was born in Sioux City, Iowa on March 1, 1981. I began to learn piano at the age of five. It was my mom's dream that I aspire to become a famous pianist. I also took up violin and flute lessons at the suggestion of my piano instructor. My mom also thought I should take up on dance classes. I took Modern Dance, which was my favorite, and I took Traditional Korean Dance.

It wasn't until fourth grade that I discovered some books on Classical Ballet. I fell in love at first sight. The pages were graced with dancers embracing elegance, beauty, tragedy, and triumph. I remember thinking to myself, "This is my world... As how it should be and ought to be.". I started taking ballet classes and my primary goal was to dance professionally in a ballet company.

Starting highschool, my family had decided to move to Tampa, Florida. There, I went to the University of Tampa, to audition and I received a music scholarship to learn classic piano under a professor in the music department. I also began teaching piano to students ranging from Kindergarten to Middle School. During this time, I attended Barbizon, a modeling school. That was when I first opened my eyes and began to learn about the different concepts and art of outer as well as inner beauty. At the end of the year the school held a graduation and I was invited to enter a competition which was sponsored by IMTA (International Modeling And Talent Agency). I ended up winning the prize for first runner-up and I was also invited to go to New York. I didn't end up going but it was a memorable experience.

I ended up moving back to Los Angeles. Meanwhile, I decided to give private lessons to students as a way of making a living.

I always lived with bad, difficult hair. I've always believed that a person's hair makes up for at least 80% of their style. As soon as I got older and I had the money, I would frequent the local hair salons. The atmosphere was exciting. It was fascinating to see how a hair designer can transform someone's appearance by styling their hair. I developed the highest respect for hair design and the stylists who made it possible. Going to the salons, I was able to observe a lot. I saw scissors and combs shining in the reflective light at the flick of a wrist. I saw wavy, coarse hair being straightened out to glossy strands by steaming straight irons. I saw popping colors, of beautifully dyed hair, luminize a person's skin tone. I saw the right cut frame a person's jawline and cheekbones, which in turn, accentuated the eyes, nose, and lips. I could only conclude that to put in hard work and create something beautiful as a result was something so precious and inspiring.

I asked a couple of hair designers which school was the best if I wanted to learn about hair. They all said, "Vidal Sassoon.". The name stuck to me like glue. I went online to find out more about the academy and with conviction, I knew that Vidal Sassoon Academy was the perfect place to learn about the art and technique of hair design.

If I do get accepted, I will give a 1,000% and nothing less. I want to learn from the best and I think Vidal Sassoon Academy is the perfect place for me to start in achieving my dream.