How do I get the abusive narcissist to recognize himself?

You cannot do this for him. Narcissists have no idea they are narcissists and they would have to become "self-actualized" to even recognize the narcissism. It would take an act of the Divine within to awaken them. When narcissists do awaken it is an ugly sight. The messes they have left behind in their wake are almost too much for them to overcome.

As you know, I was married to one and was raised by one. The X was worse and he isn't getting any better. Sometimes there is a realization on his part for example: He called me a few weeks ago to tell me to talk to our middle son because he was working too much and he didn't want him to be like him. The next day he was back to his narcissistic self. Almost as if he never knew what he had said to me or if he was another person channeling through him.

Even if you both go to counseling (which is a miracle he suggested going) he will turn it around on you. Everything is your fault..that is what they do. They exaggerate, lie and say things that you never said. They also will say you are the one who has a problem or that you are psycho. They put you on the spot until you are exhausted looking for ways to prove to them what they really said.

By the way they are really good at changing the story in the middle of a conversation. My x-therapist once told me when he is vile to me just say something off the wall. I tried this once when he called me yelling at me about something and I said, "wow the weather sure is beautiful"...then he said, "it sure is". Odd? The other thing they like to do is always get the last word in like..."Oh and by the way...." and it is usually really ugly. They also like being right about everything and no one else is smarter than them.

My X called me last year and said he was in counseling. He was becoming aware of his love for money, but a few days later he was back to the way he was. When they have those moments of self-awareness it is too much to handle so they go back quickly to the familiar.

Why do I understand this because I lived with it my entire life. I can see it a mile a way. I can read right through narcissism. One of my friends who is a neuro-feedback psychologist told me after my awakening that she thought my X was a narcissist. I had never heard of this before so I went to the internet for resources.

Even when you are away from them they will never leave you alone...ever! The best thing you can do is just get your own counseling without him! The reason I won't do this anymore is because I equipped myself with much information and it cost to much for me. I live in an area where there are women who have been devastated by this kind of personality disorder from their X's or dads. With them, you and my contacts on here I am finding solace and my self-esteem. It does take years to rebuild what they have torn down.

You have probably heard of this guy but he is a self-proclaimed extreme narcissist.

http://samvak.tripod.com/

You never get over the abuse they have covered you with, but the more you understand this monster the better equipped you are to recover.

Peace my friend.

Mudslinger

I agree with Ivy! My X went to marriage counseling with me and found fault in both counselors. Nothing was resolved and he didn't even talk.

OurScott...Thank you for being here and sharing your experience. You can help many of us who have to deal with narcissists!

I do not think counseling would be worth it. It could help for a few days, or weeks..or whatever. But eventually he is going to slip right back to his old ways. I am not saying people cannot change, but the chances of that are very very slim. I would say that if he is so close minded as to have a conversation with you then he isn't going to get anywhere with a professional either. It can be extremely confusing to be caught in this kind of thing, but if you aren't happy with him the way he is now, I would say it's time to hit the door.

Narcissists, by classical definition, cannot see their own failures- everything is someone else's problem. He's done nothing wrong, no matter WHAT he does. It's ALWAYS someone else's problem. No counseling will ever help him. Even if the counselor tells him that he's the problem, he'll retort with "that guy doesn't know the situation! I'm not the bad guy! He's a bad counselor!"

You need to just leave the guy. There are 6.8 billion people on this earth, and half of them are men. Go find one that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

If your partner is narcissist the best thing get him to go to a psychiatrist, counseling want help it is better to see a mind analyst to get some treatment.The thing is that he can not help him self doing it, and you can not understand him, when he think he is given you pleasure by what he tell you, you would be confuse and you would not keep a good conversation between you two.

I'm really sorry - but Narcissism is a desperately difficult problem to tackle. Such people are very rarely 'healed', very rarely gain real insight.

I would advise anyone living with such a person, though it might be difficult, to cut their losses and get out of there.

Have you read anything about Anais Nin and the abusive relationship she had with her narcissistic father? It might interest you.

Edit,

I just read Mudslinger's post with great admiration for her courage and fortitude. I would disagree with her in one respect though. I do believe it is possible for the victim to recover. It takes time and a lot of dedication - but it is possible.

frank seems to have gone off into his own Freudian fantasy!

all you can do is keep an open mind and try the counselling. i guess it comes down to how much crap you are willing to put up with?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism

There is only one way to cure Narcissism although it is said it cannot be cured. He must do the work of lowering or dropping the false ego idea. He can begin with observing the ego idea at the time it is on display. Anger is a tough one but most affective. Observe during display and not after or before. The ugliness of it tends to have anger drop on its own accord. During controversy point out by saying, “Oh your ego is showing.” You cannot do anything else unless you can get him to go with you to a Yoga Master whom can assist in dropping self.

Desire and ego idea is the cause of suffering. Changing the old for a new self will not work. I know because of my experience.

I'm a diagnosed narcissist and have been in therapy for it since 94.

It makes me toxic to everyone around me.

Luckily I'm diagnosed anti-social as well, so I infect fewer people..

My ex made the right choice to divorce me.

RScott

You cannot get an abusive narcissist to change.

Counseling would only be helpful if it helps you figure out why you feel the need to change him rather than just walking away.

Fixing him will not change whatever your father did.

If he is sociopathic, then no, counselling will not help.

Cognitive therapy will not help.

Been there with my ex. Just gave up and left him to himself.