What is wrong with me, and would I be better off dead?

Question

I'm a 20 year old female living in L.A. I have had dreams of working in the film industry since I was a little girl (not acting, writing and directing more so). I am very creative, but I don't think I have what it takes to create, if that makes sense. I tend to get lost in a daydream and am perceived by many as spacey, anti social or depressed. I don't go out much, and when I do I always make a fool of myself, and am usually not invited back. I will be honest, when I go out clubbing for instance, I get very anxious and nervous. I feel threatened and everyone and every little thing looks very surreal. If anyone tries to talk to me I either sketch out and make up some b.s. excuse and hide, or I end up offending them by sticking my foot in my mouth or just acting plain weird. I know I'm probably not describing this well, but I just wish I could figure out what's wrong with me or at least know someone else feels the same as me. I love film and I have thousands of plots, ideas, characters, dialog running circles around in my head screaming to get out. But when I try and make something of them, I'm stuck, or I may get as far as outlining the plot but then something stops me from writing the full script. I fall in love with an idea, it plays out so well in my head and I feel it, then I lose momentum and look back at it with disgust. I think "It's not worth it, the concept is unrealistic" etc., and am back to square one. On top of all that, I realize Hollywood will most likely not buy my ideas, I would have to go it myself, meaning I need money, which I don't have AT ALL........

Bottom line: I have wanted this my whole life, but am not sure if I am a fit for Hollywood. I can't imagine myself doing anything else, but what have I been doing this whole time, really? I realize this industry is dog eat dog, and when it comes down to it it's not really about art, it's about money. I myself could care less about money, but making a movie takes money. My biggest worry right now is what am I going to do to support myself in the future? Even if I spent all my time and resources making little indie movies that could very well go nowhere, I will get to a point where I have surpassed the cut off age (they say if you haven't made it by 30 in the industry you're ******, and that's true). I basically have 10 years to make it, and the days are evaporating into the next month, into the next year, and it's scares me shitless.

On top of everything I don't have a car. I don't even have a license (don't ask). I can't even get a pa job over that. I'm jobless, in debt (I attempted film school, I was stupid enough to fall for that before dropping out 3 months in). I am running out of hope and am wondering what I my alternatives are. Should I just forget about film making altogether and settle for another career? The only thing I have a slight interest in is psychology, but it links back to character building (stupid, I know). I feel like I should either totally give up and fully focus on a steady career, or I guess struggle in the industry for the next 10 years, fail and then commit suicide (or hell, just kill myself now). 

Please, be as honest as you need to be. I need a reality check.

? · Accepted Answer

Call the licensed counselors 24/7 at 1-800-525-LOVE and tell them your scenario.

Read Omraam Aivanhov's "Creation:  Artistic and Spiritual,"
Mark Prophet's "Understanding Yourself," and
"Watch Your Dreams," Ann Ree Colton.

Check http://www.rwm.org/rwm for good vocations that bring in a living.

Keep the faith and plan ahead with college/rwm scene.  J. K. Rowling was where you are.

Atticus · Answer

Have you seen the episode of the Big Bang Theory where Sheldon tries to find some sort of menial work while he works on his research, and then eventually comes to a breakthrough? I think that the problem is possibly that trying to write a script or develop a plot is the only thing in your life. I think freedom can make us undisciplined, so when you have all the time in the world to do on a project, it is all the harder to get started on it. So perhaps you could get a job? Nothing interesting or skilled; something a total moron could do; the more tedious the better. This would use up a lot of your time, but none of your creative "energy", and it would give you an allocated time (i.e., after work) to write, so your energy would be more directed to the task and you wouldn't have the freedom to get distracted.

As for turning your ideas into a script, I would suggest that rather than dreaming up an idea and then diving into writing the script itself, perhaps write a short synopsis first, then a more detailed one, and then plan out the key strands of the plot in more detail, then plan out each scene. Maybe write some character profiles? Also remember that you can write the interesting parts first, and then come back later to write the more functional elements of the script. If you lose faith in your idea at any point, just forget about it and move on. Your next one will always be better

My final piece of advice is don't take life too seriously. It may sound rather ignorant, but I believe it is very important not to let the things you are not interested in take precedence. You sound like you are not in it for the money, but just for love the the profession, so don't obsess over how much money you will be making in the future. Of course you should plan for the future, but don't live in it, otherwise you won't do what you need to do in the present, and the future will stay the future. You should take life day by day, script by script.

Anonymous · Answer

You are only 20 and you are faced with the prospect of THE FUTURE. It scares the hell out of you just like it does most everyone. My advice would be to first get yourself together as far as a temporary job, a license, and a car. while you are getting this together you will be building your confidence in yourself. Then, see where you are and what you want to do. There is no law that says you can't write scripts and direct your own movies in your free time while working as a psychologist, a waitress, or even a stripper. Bottom line is, you are still young and the world is open to you. Find yourself first then worry about what you want to do in life.

Horsense · Answer

Come to accept yourself as you are, with EACH of your flaws.
Learn to love yourself AS IS.
Only then will you be able to make ANY changes in yourself.

I think one of your problems may be what is often called "Social Phobia":

"Bringing Phobias Under Control"
 - Tormented by Phobias
 - When All Eyes Seem to Be Upon You
 - Controlling Social Phobia
 - Watch Your Breathing!
http://watchtower.org/e/19980722/article_01.htm

"How Precious YOUR Life IS!"   
http://watchtower.org/e/20050201/article_02.htm

"Can You Be Happy and Secure in Your Work?" :
 - Job Security and Satisfaction Under Siege
> How to Cultivate a Balanced View of Work   
http://watchtower.org/e/20030201/article_01.htm

"What Kind of Education Can Make Your Life a Success?"
 - Benefit From the Best Education Available!
http://watchtower.org/library/w/2005/10/15/article_01.htm

Personally, I can't imagine being able to enjoy what I *really like doing when I feel like it / under no pressure*, instead having to do it locked into a schedule while under a LOT of pressure!  Maybe you could make it your hobby!

Anonymous · Answer

You've just described me scarily accurately there except im a guy and want to write music, no one understands when i try to explain myself so maybe i can just show them what you've written... I always try to think that I should keep trying to write just for me though, and to try to forget about my dreams and whatever and just focus on the music and the moment, thats when i write the stuff I'm most happy with. Its hard to get into that mood though... But I totally understand how you feel.

Nyx · Answer

Just live your life, be self confident and go for what you want.

? · Answer

well if worst comes to the worst you could always come live in ireland with me. im a rich sexual deviant with a fondness for big hats.

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What is wrong with me, and would I be better off dead?

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