critique this verse for me?

Honestly this isn't bad. I have a few specific points of advice. Raps are most pleasing to the listener when the rapper has multisyllabic rhymes (you have a decent amount of 2 syllable rhymes) and a complex rhyme pattern (you have mostly the same style of end rhymes in each line). Try expanding on the syllables you are rhyming and try including some internal rhymes on top of just end rhymes. Also, your subject matter is, at times, cliche, which there is really no excuse for. But honestly this is decent for someone who just started, so keep it up. If you want some help writing verses, check out my page: http://fiverr.com/users/kgilmore465/gigs/write-a-g... and I'll show you how to put some of these techniques I've been talking about into a really dope rap verse. You won't be disappointed.

I believe you are pretty good for songwriting, except you seem to be trying to hard with the rhyming just let it flow together. You don't have to rhyme in every verse.

If this helps try to think outside the box.

Keep doin' ya factor - scorching quotables come from folks who rap approximately what is truly - be certain you pair your rhymes with a bangin beat and give them such as you suppose them. By the best way, do not reply to the detest - upward thrust above it.

Your rhyme are out of a dr.seus book. Be more complex