[Serious question], Ladies please help, what is really going on here?

Question

Hi,

Thanks for reading. Really need some mature answers. Its more about dating and relationships, but the other section is full of teens and I appreciate some mature answers. Its a little complicated so I appreciate some female perspective. its a bit long but I try to make it concise.

We are around the age of 28. I'm a guy and its between me, a girl and our common friend. We are all university grad students. I am friends with a good friend. Lets call him Tom. We talk a lot. He broke up with his long term girlfriend after 10 years, he doesnt want any relationships. He has made this clear to girls hes involved with. So its ok. He tells me about this girl, lets call her Sarah. Sarah is Argentine and they are good friends and had a few weeks where they were sleeping with each other. She decided that she couldnt do it any longer wihtout being in a relationship and they are still good friend.

As I have been to argentina and speaks spanish, I told Tom Id like to meet her. But he never introduced her to me for understandable reasons. So I only heard about her. Then a yr later, I finally met her at Tom's bday party. And we got on very well. She later told Tom that I was a very caring guy and we were going out for coffee.

At coffee, we got on really well. She told me that I was very mature, kind and caring and she asked a lot about me, my family, my background, where Im going after graduation, etc. We spoke for over 2 hrs and she said that she want to see me again. Also, as Im looking for a house to rent, she offered me to stay with her for 2 weeks in case I cant find anything fast. Later that day she txted me saying that she really enjoyed seeing me etc etc.

When I spoke to her about my friend Tom, she was rather uneasy and tried not to mention him. By passing I asked her if she had been to his place, cos I live close to him, when she asked me where I lived. And she was quite uneasy about it and tried to act that she cant remember very well where he lived.

So...I wouldnt mind getting to know her better. But my friend Tom was obviously very sensitive. 2 days later he asked to see me over coffee just to ask me how it went with her. He knew about it. I dont know if he had spoken to her afterwards. But i felt he just wanted to gauge my response.I dont know what she said to him and I didnt really ask...

So..thanks for getting to here. I appreciate it. Basically is she interested? and also that is he being protective? They are officially both single. (And he is seeing another girl, again, not being in a relationship at the same time). Since we are friends, I dont want to screw it up and avoid any unpleasantries at this stage.

thanks loads, any advice is welcome.

? · Accepted Answer

It sounds to me like she's a bit embarrased about her connection to your friend.  She may be concerned about what has been said about her, you know, intimate things.  And on the flip-side, it sounds like your friend may feel the same way about what she may be saying about him.  You're in an uncomfortable spot, no doubt. 

With that said, I would suggest that you talk about your friend as infrequently as possible with the young lady.  I would also keep discussions with your friend equally infrequent and generic on details.  It may take a while, but I believe that will help both of them let it go gently.  

Good luck to all of you!

fun · Answer

She probably thought you didn't know anything about her sleeping with your friend Tom, which explains why she was uneasy, not knowing what you knew. Which is ok.  I mean....it is kind of embarrassing to accept you were sleeping with a guy without a relationship, like a friends with benefits thing. So just try to understand her on that.

Now, if you really like her and want to pursue her ,which is absolutely fine, since your friend Tom doesn't want to get into a relationship with her...so his lose is your win. I will suggest you though DO NOT try to fish out any information about this Tom with her, you already know what you need to know, and if you guys are moving on why keep bringing that subject back, right?    Just drop the subject, and never mention it again.

Good LUck!

Alison · Answer

It sounds like your friend got kind of hung up on her even though he claims he doesn't want any relationships. He's either had nothing going on since her or is wondering if someone else is more attractive to her than he was.
Either way you should put him in the background if you want to pursue a relationship with her. He might keep fretting around the edges but he is the one who decided he wasn't going to get serious with anyone and you are at complete liberty to remind him of that.
If you succeed with your girl (engaged) you might light a fire under him to change his ways and start looking for someone he can make a life with instead of his previously ascribed dabbling. Ultimately you would be doing him a favor, at least to determine if his convictions are actually true.

? · Answer

They probably talk and are friends and talk about how she likes you etc.  It's sounds like things may work out with this girl, but sometimes if everyone is friends someone ends up moving on.  Most likely Tom.

? · Answer

Get real with yourself first.  Is she someone whom you want to seek a relationship with, or someone to just remain friends.  Was there a connection between her and her ex-boyfriend.  Is she over him?  Your in a tuff spot, so its real important to be real to you.  If she is someone whom you can be yourself with and you are able to have fun with, then gradually take the next step, but when you do this, don't bring up your friends name.  You have got to stay out of what they had at one time. 
Best of wishes.

? · Answer

you want to date your best friend's girl.  That means you choose him or her, because you cannot have both.  

But think about this before you choose:  she is willing to pit you against him to satisfy her immediate needs.  Is this a quality you want in a long-term relationship?

~FROG~ · Answer

get all 3 of you together at the same time... and ask, if it's cool for you & Sarah to start dating..  if it's not cool, you'll know by their body language.    Always keep lines of communication OPEN!!!   & talk it out...  on every level..  

ask how he feels, ask how she feels..

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[Serious question], Ladies please help, what is really going on here?

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