[Serious question], Ladies please help, what is really going on here?

Question

Hi,

Thanks for reading. Really need some mature answers. Its more about dating and relationships, but the other section is full of teens and I appreciate some mature answers. I appreciate some female perspective. its a bit long but I try to make it concise and paragraphed.

We are around the age of 28. I'm a guy and its between me, a girl and our common friend. We are all university grad students. I am friends with a good friend. Lets call him Tom. We talk a lot. He broke up with his long term girlfriend after 10 years, he doesnt want any relationships. He has made this clear to girls hes involved with. So its ok. He tells me about this girl, lets call her Sarah. Sarah is Argentine and they are good friends and had a few weeks where they were sleeping with each other. She decided that she couldnt do it any longer wihtout being in a relationship and they are still good friend.

As I have been to argentina and speaks spanish, I told Tom Id like to meet her. But he never introduced her to me for understandable reasons. So I only heard about her. Then a yr later, I finally met her at Tom's bday party. And we got on very well. She later told Tom that I was a very caring guy and we were going out for coffee.

At coffee, we got on really well. She told me that I was very mature, kind and caring and she asked a lot about me, my family, my background, where Im going after graduation, etc. We spoke for over 2 hrs and she said that she want to see me again. Also, as Im looking for a house to rent, she offered me to stay with her for 2 weeks in case I cant find anything fast. Later that day she txted me saying that she really enjoyed seeing me etc etc.

When I spoke to her about my friend Tom, she was rather uneasy and tried not to mention him. In passing I asked her if she had been to his place, cos I live close to him, when she asked me where I lived. And she was quite uneasy about it and tried to act that she cant remember very well where he lived.

So...I wouldnt mind getting to know her better. But my friend Tom was obviously very sensitive. 2 days later he got back into town and the first thing he did was that he asked to see me over coffee just to ask me how it went with her. He knew about it. He once told me long ago that in case I meet Sarah and Im happy with her, then he's perfectly fine with it. But obviously its one thing saying it but another when it happens. At coffee he was quite serious and v sensitive to what I said about her. And he didnt encourage any conversation when I tried to talk more about her. I didnt give away much details or how I felt at this stage.

So..thanks for getting to here. I appreciate it. Basically is she interested? and also that is he being protective? They are officially both single. Since we are friends, I dont want to screw it up and avoid any unpleasantries at this stage.

thanks loads, any advice is welcome. What has she told him about me? Tom said that he have "been told" in a text to me before we met for coffee. If I have asked her out again, will she be willing to come out or will she hesistate?

Happy-2 · Accepted Answer

Like I told you before, there are billions of women in this world, but because you're picking the one your friend likes, you are a real jerk.

justa · Answer

You never lose by being polite, and not pushy.
I do think she is interested, he might be a little more involved than he thinks, or he might just not want to do more than have her on a string for a while before he decides what to do with her, and that's just wrong.
So this is my considered, adult, advice. 
Ask her to coffee and see if you both still enjoy the conversation,  if you do tell her so, and don't talk about your friend at all, just keep the conversation light and getting to know her.

There is an old saying, "All's fair in love and war", you don't have to make this war, but it could be love, and you deserve the chance, and so does she.  
You sound kind of nice together, being able to speak comfortably for hours makes a better relationship than just sex.
Tom is just going to have to grin a bear it, but don't discuss it with him any more either, and if asked say the two of you are having fun and she's a great girl.
He'll get the hint.

Women don't  belong to men, especially ones they aren't married to, and if the man involved isn't involved with her he hasn't got squatters rights to her for evermore.
While both you and Tom might back off from the lady out of friendship for each other, she might well up and see someone else and be lost to both of you.
And women don't spend a lot of time imagining how it was with a different man, they tend to concentrate on the man they are with.

09 _ · Answer

Tom and this girl have a history, which automatically makes her off limits to you. He's been involved with her sexually so it's like he'll always be keeping an eye out for her, whether or not he considers himself "single". I wouldn't deal with her if I were you. Obviously Tom is still pretty uncomfortable about this. There are plenty of other women who are worth your time more than this girl. Move on. I don't understand why you'd even be interested in Sarah after her involvement with Tom.

LIPPIE · Answer

After reading all this, the first thing I want to ask you is, what is more important to you, your friendship with Tom or a "possible relationship with the lady"?  That being said, if she is more important then you will probably lose a friendship, because although he is not wanting a relationship, he still wants to date her. If she is uneasy talking about him, then something is going on there.  One practice  woman should have is never dating a friends ex or someone they care for. should be the same for men.

Katie M · Answer

Those of us who are "mature" are likely going to tell you to leave this person alone. Tom is your friend and there is much to say about loyalty. As Happy said, there are plenty of women out there and I think it is sad that you would let a woman come between you and your friend. It's wrong. There are some things that nice people just wouldn't do.

tludwig40 · Answer

The girl is interested in you and probably would go out with you if you asked, but I'd never consider going out with someone that one of my good friends slept with or dated.  I'd never want a girl to come between me and a good friend, and I wouldn't want to think about a good friend banging my girl.

Best case scenario:  Things work out great with this girl and you; your buddy Tom doesn't hold any hard feelings against you and you remain close friends.  Do you really want your wife recalling what it was like to bang this guy when you all hang out?  Do you really want to be thinking about that?

Anonymous · Answer

Something is going on that you are not aware of.  Oh, it's not likely to be actual actions of behaviors .. but unresolved feelings.  This lady is interested in you, but she may not be as emotionally available as you will end up wanting her to be ... this is a sticky, difficult situation.  And I wouldn't want to get involved in it.

rock of ages · Answer

I don't why she wouldn't see you again since she likes you. Your friend shouldn't be concerned he had his chance but he only wanted a FWB and a year has passed and I guess she was looking for something more serious.

justagirl · Answer

It's obvious she likes you...and I can't blame her for not wanting to talk about your friend with you, your friend that she screwed a number of times....hmmm yea..understand. And your friend seems to be getting a bit jealous now but I wouldn't worry about him. He had his chance!

Rebz · Answer

Why do you keep posting the same question?

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[Serious question], Ladies please help, what is really going on here?

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