I have a super abusive/critical mother?

I am 17-years-old. My mother sends me to a private high school. Where there are a lot of ignorant, stuck up, rich kids. (Not all, but most). My mother has always been very critical of me! Negative criticism, constantly everyday! Everyday since I was very little, at about 5, my mother started becoming violent with me! Not your typical slap on the back. Instead, she would pull on my clothes, grab my face, push me into a wall, and knock me on the floor. She said I was a "bad kid", and needed to be controlled. She complained how I was so messy. She would tell me how to act, tell me I better start acting "normal" in public. Telling me if I would say something she thought was "odd, or strange". In 1st grade, I started developing social anxiety disorder. (which I still have to this day).

I would feel so pressured around kids, I would sit by myself, thinking no one would like me.

As I started advancing through school, my mother continued to make fun of me, constantly bickering, putting me down, being very pessimistic about everything I did. My social anxiety became to get worse, and I would literally hide from people in public, and keep my head down most of the time. In 5th grade, I began to be bullied, and started to be afraid to go to school. I would try telling my mom, but she would say "You are going to school, are you crazy, I don't care if kids are making fun of you, who cares". I became so stricken with fear, I would try to talk to her, and tell her about how I feel uncomfortable at school. I would tell her I don't want to go to school, I'm afraid to, and she would get into fights with me. Pulling my hair, grabbing my ankles, dragging me across the room, tearing my clothes, kicking me, saying "get up you baby, what's wrong with you!?" Between the grades of 4-7, I had a total of about 20-30 black and blue marks, 3 nose bleeds due to grub ixg hit, 3 busted lips, 3 cuts from her nails, multiple scratch marks, 2 black eyes, and 1 incident when she split my head open with an rubix cub when I was 8 years old.

Another time, after school, she started yelling at me because while I was holding open the front door, she was trying to get her keys, and the wind blew, pushing the door forward, and bumped her foot. She flipped out. She started fighting with me outside. When I put my arms up to defend myself, she happened to cut my right hand open with her nail. She threw my back pack over a metal fence, and I had to go climb this fence to get it. My hand bleeding, getting my legs all scraped, trying to get my back pack. She then, locked my out of the house, in the 18 degree winter weather for a half hour.

When, it got physical in the house, I developed a usual hiding place, and safety technique. I had a little string I would use to try to keep to door to my room shut while she was trying to break in, and attack me. Hoping to buy some time for her to calm down, and try convincing her not to hurt me saying "please don't mom, I love you", before she got past the door, and get a hold of me.

With all suspicious, physical marks. She would tell me stories to say to the teachers about what "happened", if they asked. Saying I fell down the steps with my roller skates on, got scratched by a dog and such.

She actually got called into the school 2 times, when they were concerned about my home life and my safety. She lied to them both times, telling them, I'm accident prone, the second time said I was violent.

Even though this was my past, and I am now almost 18-years-old. There are still emotional scars there. Everytime I try to bring up the past of physical abuse, she gets very defensive and tells me I was a bad kid, and SHE was defending herself from me.

Even to this day, I am emotionally/psychologically abused. Calling me a freak because I add dark brown/black streaks in my hair, making fun of my nails, saying I can't paint them right. Making fun of my makeup, calling me stupid, and retarded. Constantly putting me down for every decision I make.

By the way, my dad is constantly working. He is not interested in my school, or even shows a concern of how my mother treats me.

I am afraid, frustrated, sad, and broken. I never could understand why she did this to me! Even now, when I mention it she tells me "it wasn't that bad,", or "well, you were a terrible child".

Is this normal behavior for a mother? Did I do something wrong?

What advice could you give me?

Be honest!

~Sarah