Husband just disappears?

Question

My husband just disappears and it's driving me bonkers.  I feel like when I leave, it has to be a brig production- I have to make sure he knows I am leaving, tell the kids good-bye etc.  However, perfect example today-  he picked up one of our daughters from pre-school, came home with her, went outside to smoke and now his car is gone- so he left somewhere.  Earlier this morning, he left and went to the grocery store to get some groceries, but he never told me, he just left.  Often times he will sit upstairs in his room on his laptop or whatever, and i'm left watching the kids.  

I know he's not out cheating- his disappearing acts are stupid things like running up to the gas station for a soda, or running to the grocery store-  so it's not like he is gone for hours on end.  It just drives me bonkers that he feels he can just up and leave at any moment without saying anything.  I feel like watching the kids is 100% my responsibility- I couldn't imagine or even fathom just up and leaving without saying anything to anyone.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

If you know he isn't doing anything wrong, then the issue is really just that he has the freedom to do this and you don't feel that you do.

Maybe you could ask him to have 2 days where he's totally responsible for the kids and the house. Tuesdays and Thursdays, it's his responsibility for meals, kids, homework etc. and you are allowed to "disappear" whenever you would like.  You can run to the grocery store, or do what ever short errands you have to without the kids.

seedy history · Answer

Tell him he underestimates the level of security he provides for the family. That you all need to know when he's gone so that you can adjust how you would protect the children should something happen.  And for the children as well should an accident happen and you are hurt. That it's important to know when he's not on property. 

Ask him to set up contingency plans. A way to signal that he's leaving. A plan for what each family member should do in the case of a variety of emergencies for when he is, and isn't, home. 

In other words, just make sure he knows how important he is to everyone and what a strong role he plays in the family dynamic. He's not doing anything wrong. He's just underestimating his value.

MaxitudesMamma · Answer

As a wife and mother to a teenage boy, I will let you in on a little secret.  Often telling a man how you FEEL about something has little impact.  I know this sounds bad, but sometimes the only way to make a man stop doing something inconsiderate is if it has negative consequences in 'manland'.  For example, my son has a bad habit of leaving wet rags laying around the bathroom in big sloppy gloopy piles.  I have explained repeatedly to him that he should wring then out and lay them over the edge of the tub to dry.  He nods and says ok, then does it again.  So I started picking them up and putting them under his bed covers.  Did it twice, and he hasn't left a rag laying around since!  I know if sounds immature, but we are dealing with men here!  Tit for tat...let the punishment fit the crime.  Next time he   disappears, pack up the kids and go out for dinner.  If he is upstairs on his laptop, send the kids up to play with him and then grab your keys and go.  Hit a movie or the mall.  When it is happening to him, he may start to understand why it bothers you so much.

Megafunk · Answer

This may seem like a small thing to your husband, but you need to let him know how frustrating it is for you!! My guess is that he leaves quickly and randomly cos he needs a short break from the kids. But I can totally see why you're so annoyed at him, as you say, you would never dream of just getting in the car and driving off without saying where you were going. Its very selfish of him. Please speak to him about it before its the cause of your marriage breaking up!!!

Anonymous · Answer

Have you ever thought about doing the same thing to him. lol when he is home just leave the house and park your car down the street. See if he leaves while your gone. Then you can slap him for abandoning your kids.

Leezanne · Answer

Just talk to him about it. Don't ask complete strangers, that's just asking for trouble, because from our point of view, he looks like an unfaithful Husband. Let him know how you feel, and tell him that you don't need a play by play, but you don't feel comfortable with him just disappearing.

? · Answer

You envy his freedom.


If you would like some more help from him at home, then ask for it rather than yammer on about his little trips to the store, which is not really the issue at all.

Communicate, lady.

Harold Feller · Answer

I think it's because of the part you neglected to tell us...

You know the part where you go:
"Where were you? Who were you with?
Where were you!? Answer me!
Who were you with! What about the kids!"

"Where were you? Who were you with?
Where were you!? Answer me!
Who were you with! What about the kids!"


"Where were you? Who were you with?
Where were you!? Answer me!
Who were you with! What about the kids!"


"Where were you? Who were you with?
Where were you!? Answer me!
Who were you with! What about the kids!"


"Where were you? Who were you with?
Where were you!? Answer me!
Who were you with! What about the kids!"


All in 30 seconds.

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Husband just disappears?

8 Answers