For Guys With Cancer?

Googling online I've found various blogs and support groups. I 've been working in a medical-related field so luckily I have no shortage of nurses and physicians ... as colleagues...so that's helped ie.

they know if I'm having a bad day without it being a drama...and we can trade stories and medical concerns...in a more clinical/informed way as well as a personal way.

I thought about keeping a journal. My posting here is a kinda outlet - and sometimes it's more like writing to myself just to see how I'm thinking rather than trying to communicate...depending on the post. It keeps my mind active.

With me my biggest problem is insecurity and worry about how my loved one will survive without me. Honestly that is without question the top of my concerns. I'm obsessed with and I can't help it - but I notice a lot of folks go through that process ie. when my stepfather died of cancer <and like me he was young>he apologized over and over to my mother for not leaving her in a better financial situation. That's how I feel too. I obsess on the insurance company ie. have they lied too me - will they really pay? That sort of stuff...

Unfortunately my cancer was caught late ie. a kidney cancer that metastasized to my bones. Everyone compliments me about how well I handle things and how brave I am, but it's scarey.

I don't know if I'll live 2 years or 3months. It's hard to wrp my mind around the concept.

Here's my stages/hurdles ie.

1) shock of diagnosis

2) quick reading voracious reading about kidney cancer

3) surgery <omg it's a 10.5 cm tumor/15cm mass> but we got it all and it's stage 2

4)i meet my oncologist and he says it's not stage 2 but a very aggressive stage 3 likely to recur soon

5)3 mos. later a whopper tumor pops up in my right humerous - nasty pain and micro fractures

6)I lose my job ie. disability<part of my job is very physical...liability issues>

7)I'm on heavy meds ie. lots of morphine and immunotherapy drugs and gosh I can't drive the car like I used too ie. I have to skip meds. so as to drive

8) I'm feeling out lots of forms that describe me as 'terminal.' Nurses are extra nice to me..

9)I'm having surgery to fix my arm ie. cut it out, put in a plate and some cement

10) I worry about where it will pop up next ie. will it be the killer?

I have a distant relative who has a curable 1cm tumor who has fallen into a great depression. I look at him sometimes and just think 'Im too scared to be depressed and maybe you're too depressed to be scared.' Maybe I am brave. I get that weird Viking fighting against the Doom feelings. : )

I have a passion for history and love historical biographies. I have a large lovely aquarium in my room and a beautiful lava lamp to match. I have Kwan Yin, Jesus, Buddah and Ganesh statues all around me. All of it seems to help; it;s a peaceful environment. While I worry about my wife, I know she loves me and I love her and that I am incredibly lucky. I'm not a ribbon wearer. Every moment is precious to me now. I smell lots of roses. I feel weirdly more manly these days. There's nothing like a good case of cancer to make a man or woman step up to the plate of life and face things.

Too many men still have the 'tough guy' attitude and do not want to share their stories.

i was diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma in sept and ran into the same problem. lms is generally a woman's cancer that starts in the uterus. so i could find very little about how the treatment affects men.