I need help confronting my father.?

I realize you're going through something I have very little experience in, but I don't think you're going to get any results from a list of things your father failed to do.

You seem pretty darn angry, so actually you aren't just trying to tell him how he hurt you, you're trying to hurt him back. Yes, he hurt you, and he was a miserable example of a father, but trying to take revenge will do nothing for you except make you more frustrated when he doesn't react how you want him to. What do you expect his reaction to be? Automatic "I'm so sorry" will not be happening. He left your family and he may genuinely not be sorry. His life may be much better right now than it was when he was with your family, whatever "better" means to him.

Point is, your anger isn't going to change him one bit. Your being mad at him will not automatically make him love you more. He's going to keep doing what fulfills him in his realm of needs and wants. That's what humans do. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that's what happens. People get hurt in the process, and that's not okay.It is unacceptable that your father failed in his role. I don't know what the "heal-all" would be in this case, but I can tell you anger and bitterness isn't it.

Maybe something a little less for this meeting. How about saying those 3 things: i never got to have a dad there when i went on a date, or needed help with math homework, or needed money for a nice dress to a dance. Leave it there. Ask him if he did that on purpose, see what he says. Try to understand his point of view, no matter how shallow it is. I want you to be able to heal, not hurt, and seeing your father as a human being who messes up instead of an object for anger will help you. The road to healing is not easy. I've done it, still am doing it. Nothing is easy about it at all, but its rewards are incredible.

I'm not going to lecture you on forgiveness, I'm sure you've heard all of it a thousand times. I just don't want you to get more vengeful and bitter about a man who is supposed to have been your everything for the first half of your life. I'm sorry he failed, and I wish I could actually help you, instead of lecture you over yahoo answers. Good luck.

In theory your idea is a good one - but practically it will be a failure bc your intentions, feelings will not be satisfied..

Why?

Imagine the situation: A man of which you yourself said that he only pays your college bc he was sentenced to sits at the table with his daughter, feeling already pretty awkward - and then the daughter pulls a document, 3 inches width and starts to read a demand catalog starting from paragraph 1 to 236f.

Be reasonable - what do you think will really happen?

Do you really think he will stagger to his knees crying profusely and begging your pardon?

Is it that what you want or do you just want to tell him how you felt, no matter what his reaction would be?

My sis did the exact same thing with our "dad" - just as i described it above - result: They haven't exchanged a single word in 15 years. She was in midst her declaration when he got up, saying "i do not have to listen to this, i want my years to come in peace and need not to answer to these accusations, there are 1 million divorces each year and there are always problems" and left for good.

In your case he might write a check for you first and then getting the heck outta there.

You want this?

I know how hurt and disappointed and frustrated you are - my sisters "dad" is also mine, i lived there too - but that is not going to help you bc your frustration will not go away after this, believe me.

My idea is not so big and you will not have your 10 minutes of lecturing him (which as we both know is not enough for your emotions) but you may be talking more often with him and do this step by step. He knows he has done bad things, but if you put im on the seat of the accused, what can he really say to you?

So wait if he starts about talking about the years when he wasn't there - for him this was a hard time also and if he is very reluctant address one issue and see how he reacts, i know you want more - but i think you will then get less,ok?

i understand that you're angry with your father and for good reason.

but whipping out a list of why he was a crappy father is going to piss him off. and he's not ever going to be the father you want, even if you provide a detailed summary of how you'd like him to act. he hasn't done it yet. he won't do it now.

if you want him to pay for your college, then play along, eat dinner quietly, ask to be excused early and in the future, avoid contact with him if possible.

but if you can't accept his money because you know it's forced and you'd be more comfortable paying your own way, then pay your own way and have fun telling him off.

it's a choice only you can make. neither is wrong, it's just two different ways of going about it.

If you are looking for some material payback for his mistakes, you are probably going to be disappointed. If you want him to be a real father and do the things for you that a real father should, then you can tell him he needs to spend more time with you, and take an interest in your life. Revenge is not the answer, nor is it an excuse to get a nice car.

Only you can decide what the list should be. Only you know what he didn't do, and how he didn't fulfill his duties as a father. However, I would tell him what he has done to hurt you, but you sound so angry! I would calm down before I talk to him, or you might get met with anger. Remember he may have his reasons too.

Your father's role was negated in the divorce. You had NOTHING to do with that.

He CHOSE all his own actions in this life just as you do.

You see his actions as neglectful which, in many respects, they were. How can this ever be changed or corrected?

IT CAN'T !

It's now past history! There is nothing he can do now to FIX the past. It's NOT his past to fix! It's YOURS!

And you don't get it because you are still a child! You are not mature enough to stand up for WHO you really are in this world. You are still looking to pass blame on others that don't meet your needs or expectations! You just PROVED your intentions are for selfish gain !

Time to GROW UP!

What happens when your father does not support you through college? Are you going to blame him again for your lousy life?

Time to GROW UP!

Time for you to come to a place of forgiveness and reconciliation that you even have a father that is in the picture. You don't look for the blessing because your massive immaturity only allows you to see what you're missing!

This is a lousy way to go through life. You will ALWAYS be trying to "fill in the blanks" instead of seeing what you DO have.

u sound like a spoiled brat. your father has a right for his life. and not all parents are running with their children like a hen with eggs. and be grateful he pays for u. my father didn´t even pay any child support, i am not even mentioning the college - all was on my mother alone

love from a father

I dunno honey. Like you seem like you've already convicted him.

Things are normally *Nothing* like how the mother said they were.

You're obviously hurting. See what kind of relationship he wants and just accept it for what it is.