Anyone up for some drunken philosophical bullcrap?

I rambled this up on my keyboard while extremely drunk. Discuss if you will.

I’ve always wondered what the process of figuring oneself out is like for others. It seems like and endless maze of dead ends and setbacks. Perhaps I am just too susceptible to the image others are trying to convey about themselves. Maybe I’m just too naïve and fall into the lie that everyone is living the way they want, with things that I wish I had, like love, and a host of friends. Upon thought, this seems silly. I know that everyone is not completely happy and experiences problems in their lives, but I cannot help but feel that I am on, say, a lower level than that. You may be thinking at this point that I am nothing short of pathetic and narrow minded. Let me attempt to explain myself before you judge me. I have always questioned myself. I have never had that assurance of who I am that I see in others, whether it be true or so pathetically forced upon me by others undyingly striving to appear that way. I have always simply accepted this feeling rather than to try to lie to myself. This is where my true feeling lies. Myself. There is no trust involved in this relationship. No disappointment, only regret. I have never felt truly close to other people. I may be classified as what some would call a “loner.” But it runs deeper than what I see people perceiving as lacking in personality or being interesting to “hang out with.” I have always been so consumed in my own thought that I seem to feel no need for stimulation from others. That is to say, my own thoughts keep me occupied to almost erase the need for outside ideas, but the desire remains, whether this is based on false desire or a true spot of emptiness in my heart. I prefer to think the latter, because only the rectification of that can bring increased feeling of happiness, which I truly desire. I feel my mind is far corrupt and mislead at this time in my life, and I have always pursued nothing short of the truth, but I am coming to realize that truth seems to be a common enemy of the people around me. Everyone seems to want it, but nobody has the heart to give it. This strikes me as hypocrisy at its lowest. Maybe because I have not been so heavily influenced by the lustful ideologies of others that it feels like I alone hold this legitimate value of truth, and I am willing to inflict it upon others. However, I am not motivated to do so for reasons explained above. This leads me to the possibly incorrect feeling that truth only exists within myself, and maybe that is true for everyone. Maybe I am just as hypocritical when it comes to truth that I have claimed others to be. It is possible that truth within myself and others is only masked desire. That is the enemy of us all. It corrupts us, and manipulates us in sometimes disgusting ways to achieve it. I have tried to be true to myself but I am not invincible. Nobody is, or is even close for that matter. I feel undermined in a way, because I feel I value truthful feeling more than others, but at the same time it give me a feeling of strength in a personal sense, but certainly not a social sense. I have met some that I feel relate to this strong desire for truth, and I have only the need to relate to them. This is hard for me however for reasons I have discussed. I come to wonder though if the root of these uncertainties is simply that I have not bonded closely enough to others to realize that they share the same feelings I do. Should this be true, hypocrisy still exists and I am not in any means exempt. I hope by some currently unknown means I can learn to understand myself and others to the point where I am confident and secure with my feelings and the emotion I entrust upon others. I have a long way to go in figuring this out, but every day is a step. On the other hand it is very possible that I am simply lonely, miserable, and jealous, but I hope there is some legitimate, recognizable, deep emotional sorrow in what I have said. I can only continue to hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I can only hope that I am not heading for the edge of a cliff representing the realization that all I have feared about others is true, at which point I simply do not know what I will feel or do. I do feel strongly however that I am simply missing an important piece in the puzzle of connecting with others that I can only hope will resolve this uncertainty. I have not lost all faith. I have made it my goal to feel confidence and unfaltering security in myself around others and as I conveyr my thoughts and ideas to them. I feel only at this point can I truly understand and resolve the uncertainties that I have presented, for better or worse.

God help you if you just read all that.