How should I handle my fiancé smoking behind my back?

You don't say how long you have dated or how long you have been living together but I say you have a major problem here. This goes beyond smoking, which has major health ramifications for both of you. This speaks to trust. You do not have a real relationship if one of the individuals is lying to the other about their habits. She has pretty much dismissed something that is inherently important to you. You need to sit down with her and tell her this. Then you will have to decide if this is a make it or break it moment.

The problem with lying about something as important as this is you wonder what else is she lying to you about. Also what about the future - will it happen again on another important issue? No relation will survive if the foundation of the relationship is built upon lies. She pretty much has crumbled the foundation. Now you must decide if you want to rebuild it or look for one that is more sturdy. Best of luck to you.

Well, first, it really isn't cool that she went behind your back about that after you seemed to make it pretty clear. So I feel for you on that one.

First, you should think about whether smoking is a deal-breaker, given the fact that she is your fiance and you otherwise obviously really love her. Is the goal to get her to be honest with you, smoking or not, or do you want to break off the relationship if she is going to smoke?

Maybe there is a compromise that can be reached, e.g. she only smokes outside, wears perfume to cover the smell, etc.

I'm curious about whether she smoked, or you suspected she did, earlier in the relationship or before you started dating. If so, this is something that you probably need to take or leave with the rest of her.

I admire your adherance to principles. A man with principles will be a stronger man than one who does not. Some men know which principles are important and deserve ZERO compromise. Other men don't choose the most optimum principles and enforce principles which give them sub-optimal results. My only question is do you really know which principles serve you best and which are sub-optimum? If smoking is her only vice, then you MIGHT consider relaxing that principle...or NOT. Trust me , you can find some really pyscho-women out there that don't smoke that if you were to be involved in a relationship you would NOT make you happy. You have suceeded in getting her to keep that vice underground but the addiction to nicotine is strong...so have you really won?

Have you ever heard that forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest?

Every time you and her have a tiff, sneaking a cigarette is an option for her to rebel, TAKE that option away from her. Be flexible. Take an unorthodox road to get the EVENTUALLY results you want. . BUY a pack of cigarettes to replace the one you crushed. Tell her you owe HER an apology. Tell her you were angry and you shouldn't crushed her cigs. Tell her no more hiding. If she has to smoke, then she has to go outside, brush her teeth, use mouthwash, floss, wash her hair, and change her clothes that have that odor. THEN ask her if she is willing to compromise with you. Ask her how many packs is she willing to limit herself per week? And after this mind-freak you play on her. she should be willing to pick a really low number like 1-pack. If she says 1-pack. Ask her questions to drive steel spikes into your mutually oath...like.

*So you are congruent with this promise?

*So if you smoke that pack at one sitting you are willing to spend the next 6 days not smoking to prove your love to me?

*And you know I have an aversion to the odor of cigarettes, so when AROUND ME, are you willing to compromise by brushing your teeth, flossing, using mouthwash, and changing your clothes that smell like smoke. Trust me, if your relationship is healthy she will say yes to everything. By getting her consent, it make the oath more powerful. Besides changing all her clothes after each smoke will get old for her and she will LIMIT herself on what she smokes. If she balks then your relationship has other issues which you are not paying attention to...

Got it?

your marriage won't last you can not live with someone and not be open and honest it just doesn't last , there is always 2 sides of a story , there is a reason she is hiding it from you , and it could be something you said in the past to her, anyways it doesn't matter you seem to make her uncomfortable i think she needs to take a long look at you and see if she wants to marry you . these are red flags going up that you are a controller and if you get married it won't last with a loser like you that have to control everything because of insecurities that you have .