Was I wrong? Am I a mean stepmom?

Question

My stepson is almost 22 years old and has never held a job more than a month, since he turned 18. He became a father a year ago and has made no attempt to support his son. In the last year he has lived in three different places, all three times the people that have tried to help him have been sorry. While living at his girlfriend's grandma's house for free, he stole money from her and when was asked to leave, he told the grandma that he wouldn't leave and would have to be evicted. He is such a parasite and of course everything is always everyone else's fault. Six years ago he stole my car and actually broke into our bedroom while I was asleep in bed. My husband promised he would never make me live with his son again, but recently tried to get me to let his son live with us. He is always making excuses for him, and is really the only one left who doesn't hate him. If he was a normal person who had just come upon hard times, then that would be a different story. But he is a horrible person with no conscience or sense of responsibility at all. The thought of having to support his worthlessness and the fear that he would rob us blind is just too much. Anyway I said no, he couldn't live with us, and now of course my husband hates me. He is also now taking it out on my kids and grand kids, who adore him, and have never done anything to hurt him. My stepson has done so many horrible things to me, and people I care about. I feel terrible saying it, but I hate him. Was I wrong not to let him live with us? Please be honest, even though I will never change my mind. This is a perfect example of what he is about. His one year old, recently started having seizures and was diagnosed with a mild form of epilepsy. The baby's mom called him to ask if he could help buy his seizure medicine, or the baby wouldn't get it. My stepson said that it wasn't his problem, so the baby didn't get his medicine. Am I wrong?

Update:

Oh I forgot to mention, he was arrested for domestic violence and hasn't complied with his work crew, anger management, fines and never checks in with his probation officer. Needless to say he has a warrant out for his arrest. My husband knows it, but doesn't think I do. This is the person he wants to bring in to our house. Geez.

Update 2:

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. They were very much appreciated.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

No, you are not wrong. 

It seems your husband is trying to push his own guilt over his son onto you. By making you the 'bad guy', he can ignore whatever wrongdoing he has done. 

My advice is to stay strong. You wouldn't be helping anyone, the step son included, by letting him live back with you. It sounds like the step son has had a lot of people he could mooch off of... if everyone denied him this, maybe he'd see no one would put up with his behaviour and would straighten himself out. In actuality, you are the only one doing him any sort of real favour.

Hope this helps!

Mariela · Answer

Quite frankly, you did the right thing. People with destructive impulsive and explosive behavior as the one described above, don't change. If him having a baby has not changed his life then I'm not sure what it will take. Does your stepson have a substance abuse problem? Or better yet does your husband know something that the rest of the family does not know? There has to be a reason as to why your husband has condoned such detrimental behavior. Stick to your guns and in this situation put ur self and family first, because its clear that your stepson is incapaple of doing the same. No point in reasoning with the unreasonable.

Anonymous · Answer

Well as his dad loves him so much tell him his son can come home but you will not be there. I would be getting right out of this family because your side of this is getting hurt. But no you were not wrong but I do think you would be far better off well away from all this trouble. I have epilepsy so know how important the meds are.

shclaudio12 · Answer

What you did was harsh but it might be the thing that helps him. After not having anyone to mooch off, maybe he will grow some independence. It's natural for your husband to be angry at you, because it's his son and he loves him unconditionally and would never want to see him struggle. Stick it out and hopefully your husband will see you've done the right thing and your stepson will grow up.

Mircat · Answer

If you have kids living in your home with you and your husband, your first duty is to them and their safety and no you wouldn't want the stepson living there.

As for his baby's mom asking for medicine, perhaps she could apply for welfare and receive medical care for the child.  At the very least she should be going to the county and asking them to deal with the dad for child support.  If he doesn't pay child support he might get thrown in jail and there goes your problem.

I think I'd sit down with my husband away from home in neutral territory and tell him the idea of the stepson coming home frightens you and that feeling safe in your own home is important.  Tell him you'd be willing to discuss it in family therapy.  Get him to go to counseling with you.

Another thing is that you could say yes but with very structured parameters.  (1) He gets a job and keeps it and pays you guys even a small amount for food or utilities.  (2) He has to save his money and in 6 or 8 months take the money he saved and get his own place.  No job he moves out, doesn't pay you he moves out.  Of course you have to be able to live with the consequences if he moves in then your husband doesn't stick to your agreement.  You might have to leave.  But go for the counseling first.

? · Answer

There is a thin line between right and wrong sometimes, and I think you did the right thing. The universe has a balance, and beleive that may have been what he needed(deserved). He probably would have neglected that child anyway, I dought that was a result of your decision. As for the future, things should improve.

katrina · Answer

I'm not the right person to judge.
If I were you, I would take him in and help him. If I wouldn't take him in that means other people will and more people will get hurt. I would get him diagnosed by a psychologist too. I'd also bring him to church because no one can change him but God.

Josie · Answer

It's not your fault. Obviously your step son has issues. Give a chance, or get him to therapy.

trapani · Answer

this is fairly nasty and ill of you. merely circulate on and locate yet another woman who isn't married on your loved ones or family contributors contributors! you do no longer choose the toddler to be your son / (step) brother hybrid.

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Was I wrong? Am I a mean stepmom?

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