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Promoted
lovechild
Lv 7
lovechild asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 9 years ago

Will you critique my newest poem?

I promised some of you a party-

and I am not gonna fail;

started early, so you won't be tardy,

pinned a donkey on a tail.

I'm leaving the fun and games to Kirby,

she will never let us down;

but I'm too small for roller derby!

and I'm in my party gown!

Dallas has a dance card,

well, rather a dance tome;

but I might tap on shoulders

and ask her for a poem.

Thomas is a gentleman,

he might get a little drunk

pull his pockets inside out

and display an elephant's trunk....

Yes I am a bad girl.

It's my party so I'm allowed-

and if I can create a scandal

I will feel really proud.

TBO and Joy2U2 might show,

but they won't stay too long.

They are seeking strength you know.

True friends are like a great song.

Pandora will cause heads to turn

when she arrives fashionably late.

She's got the Box locked, demon's burned,

Hope freed to compensate.

Dee comes from the table

where she just set down the cake.

I don't know how she was able

to find an oven that big to bake!

Fredric brought a gift for me.

It's a medallion inscribed with words:

It say to love and live, forever free.

I hope you all heard.

And Nancy is telling stories

to my gift that was the best-

a tiny black cat named Mischief

lies purring on her chest.

Unknown Soldier brings the fireworks;

he can handle explosives.

Replacing memories that hurt

with better ones, emotive.

Flossy brings a bag of candy

to fill up the pinata;

she might find that pun quite handy-

I haven't said sorry but I oughta.

Dave and Schultzie made it!

Everyone, give them a hand.

Next are Sue, Cassie, and Kathy

(I kept yours short folks, you understand)

Billy Smith and Crimson Ark

are dancing with me in the mosh pit.

We have glow sticks 'cause it's dark.

(Who's hand is that? I hope you washed it!)

Then I am saved from the situation

Benny and Hiram come through the door.

I love both of them so much,

and they don't make me try to keep score.

A new face in the crowd,

Justme me- you need a good username.

You may be just but far from 'only'

hope you are ready for these games!

Gene and Vlad are debonaire

Vlad in that dark cape,

He carries Gene's piano

and keeps staring at my nape.

We can't forget that Gio

has been there, being nice.

But it's not a wedding, it's a birthday,

why was he throwing rice?

Meanwhile Doe plays DJ

and Caz is throwing daisies around-

I know that's gonna make my day-

where there are daisies, Sin is found.

Followed by Mizzy and Ducky,

my old long lost friend Das Boot.

Then Cheesy comes in through the roof

in an unopened parachute.

Lapiz scolds him for ruining

the streamers she hung all day.

Libby agrees but promptly leaves

she's not sure any of us are okay.

Ski-idaho brought blue roses

in a glow-in the-dark vase.

Iggy brings a perfect glass leaf.

There's a smile on my face.

Andy P and claptic.

octagen and tteoo328

bettter get some cake now

before it is too late.

I am starting to forget

who I've got here in this list.

Ben Allan wears the coolest boots-

his smile makes my heart twist.

Joanne and Zahid are here

they are laughing, drinking punch.

They have been so positive

and happy! Thanks a bunch!

Someone please take over

fill in those I have left out.

When I see them I must do a face-palm,

in chagrin, I have no doubt!

And if I left you out it was not by any reason except that I have too many to include! I hafta get out before I remember and have to add more stanzas!

Update:

I hope someone has some toy mice and catnip for my present cuz I haz a lil white furball!

Now to give my kitten a name...

Thanks Nancy!

Update 2:

I swear I had Beth in there. *face-palm*

I am not allowed to put Lizzy in or I would have,

Update 3:

Thanks to TBO and his flea for adding as I requested.

21 Answers

Relevance
  • ?
    Lv 6
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Happy Birthday, as the medallion says " We Come In Peace"

  • ?
    Lv 5
    9 years ago

    YAHOOOO ... It's a flipping tea party and I'm filling the pinata with my candy!!!

    OH ... I LOVE YOU ... I DO!!! ... and who's delightful ... ? May i call you Mandy?

    We share a sadness ... but we share a gladness too ... we are a chosen few!!!

    It was so fantastic and WOW ... you never say sorry to me ... I'm highly elevated!

    I will dance with you until every guest goes home and I'll even tuck you into bed!

    My God, my little darling ... what a blast and how flattered am I to be in your head!

    ---- The mad tappers tea party --- because we are tapping on our keyboards!!!

    ME??? ... YOU put me in your poem and that is so outta sight = I LUV U...xxx.

    Angels are singing and flying around and I'm clapping my hands without any sound!

    You made my day and put a giant sized smile on my face and that deserves a medal!

    Mine own sister in a rhyming verse of bliss ... you better run or I'm gonna plant a kiss!

    You know I adore a long poem ... one we get lost in and send out a rescue team ...

    a search party and a bad girls pajama party ...yippee!!! ... they better retrieve us!!!

    And ... I'm late ... I been swinging on that gate again!!! ... they better believe us!!!

    I'm in heaven now ... I been hanging around in church ... when I should of been here!!!

    Turn up the music ... oh crank it up please ... lets give it up and yell out without fear!!!

    You got a friend ... you just call out my name and I swear ... wherever I am ... I'll be running

    to see you again ... oh yeah ... don't ya know now --- you gotta friend in me!!!

    Lets get it started in here!!! = YAHOO and YIPPEE ... and start me up!!!

    Source(s): My source is overwhelming happiness to be written into your poem in public!!! I am going to cry about it ... I am just so flattered beyond hysteria!!! Thank you my darling friend in grief and glory and that is almost the end of the story! Only because I don't want to bore ye ...lol.
  • Tad Wojnicki Israel
    9 years ago

    What's the point of your poem?

    At the beginning you say "I promised some of you a party,"

    but the poem stops before the party!

    Why?

    Why do you strain to use rhymes?

    Rhymes are good (sometimes) like Kirby/derby,

    but mostly you fail to rhyme.

    Or, even worse, you use off-key rhymes

    like in this stanza:

    <Yes I am a bad girl.

    It's my party so I'm allowed-

    and if I can create a scandal

    I will feel really proud.>

    In cases like this, you'd be better off

    to quit the inane rhyming, and,

    instead, get straight to the point.

    I hope I'm not toooo critical.

    Tad Israel,

    www.write-like-a-lover.com/

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I love epics and i see nothing wrong with this party and thank you for the invitation. i will wish you happy birthday again. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!. this poems bounces with happiness and flows with rhyme. power down yesterday early and until late last night so couldnt participate.

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  • THE BANNIBAL ONE
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    What a special day.I was busy ,glad I came back to poetry today.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Plus It's Good Friday.2 great events in 1 day.

    Thanks for including Elayne and I,,She says hello.happy b-day.

    I will add Skittzo,Tori,Yolirosa,Shy,and H.D..I'm sure Joy2U2

    won't mind if I stay late to flirt.or dance..Should be fun.

    The kitten's name? Wildchild? byeeexxx

    Source(s): my new found JOY!
  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    My attention deficit started kicking in because i was all set to excoriate you for leaving Joanne out when I read her answer thanking you for including her. If you didn't leave HD and Liz out, I again blame my poor reading, but I didn't see 'em!

    I spy Kels and Giggles in a corner and go over to see what's shaking with the barefoot dancing crowd!

    Also wave hi to Sue-Ma, wherever she is.

    Then it is back under Bannibal's armpit for me, lunch is not going to eat itself!

  • 5 ft 7 Texas Heaven
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    Homers epics were long, this is not

    I got 2 gifts today, two,

    a reporter, took their weak shot

    Today is a day to celebrate

    your name day, and I will

    just to enjoy, I'm in YAP to create.

    Happy Bithday LC

    may it be a great one for you.

  • Yesu Ben
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    Thanks for inviting me to share

    with you this special day

    This is so cool, the gang’s all here

    dripping of champagne spray

    and chuckling, snick’ring, havin fun

    stoned but no wars today

    LC show us your residence

    beyond the milky way.

    Happy Birthday Twin! ILUVU!

  • ?
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    LC,

    You know better than to expose your nape to Vlad.

    What a swell party that was.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liSrzc_OdDw&feature...

  • ?
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    LC

    My, you are something else girl. Content Birthday to you, and many more.

    Oh, yeah, it's been about 20 years, but I'll tie one on with ya

  • Show more answers (11)
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